Saturday, December 31, 2005

And what a year it was

This has been the year that I really began to make my own acquaintance.

I was looking over my old journal entries tonight and sit amazed at the journey I've taken over the last few years; but especially how I've started coming into my own over the past year.

I found something I wrote in one of my old entries:
as i am right now
is when i learn to love me--
my heart unclenches

I am still unclenching and stretching and learning to love myself. I imagine I will be until the day I die.

This time last year I wrote a very bighugeimportant letter that freed me in some significant ways. And although it didn't have the hoped for result, I don't regret it.

I took my first real vacation in years and stopped long enough to hear my own thoughts.

I made a conscious decision to stop listening to the damaging words that had been spoken over me. I decided to attach new words and new thoughts to my life.

I came out of the tomb and began the smelly process of removing the grave clothes. I re-came out as a lesbian, and kept on coming out all year. I'm no longer ashamed of who I am. I refuse to identify myself any longer with the damaging ex-gay mindset of brokenness and inferiority. I came out free, naked and in my right mind.

I marched with Soulforce at Focus on the Family. I started telling my story.

I rediscovered my love of camping and the outdoors. I started to hear again the small voice of the artist within.

I met some really wonderful friends. Existing friendships have been deepened. I have started creating my own supportive family.

It's been a good year. A great year, actually. A growing year. A heart-growing year. And aren't those the best kind?

8 comments:

  1. This has been the year that I really began to make my own acquaintance.

    How beautiful, and how wonderful that you took the time to do so. *hug*

    Happy New Year, honey!

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  2. I've really enjoyed reading your blog over the last couple of months and hearing the snippets of your story that you share here.

    Best of luck for 2006 :)

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  3. J, thanks so much! Thanks for your continuing support....Happy New Year to you and K!

    and CA...thank you so very much for your comment. Hopefully in 2006 I'll be able to post more as well. I enjoy reading your blog too! I'm glad we met through Peterson's...

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  4. christine, happy happy new years! so glad i met you in 2005 and look forward to learning more from you in 2006!
    Peterson

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  5. Yay! I love reading your blog and stuff even though I like never comment >.< but I just wanted to tell you how cool it is to have someone like you to look up to! We don't have many gay role models out there! Thanks and happy new year!

    Katie

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  6. Christine,

    While sometimes necessary, I know how frustrating "gag orders" (or "information embargoes") can be when you want to tell, nay shout, your story to anyone you know and everyone you don't. Hang in there and trust that it will be worth it in the long run.

    BTW, my blog has found its own home at http://damnstraight.oversampled.net

    In pride,
    Abigail

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  7. It's been a very good year indeed. Here's to many more.

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  8. Here's to progress and to family! Looking forward to going camping with you sometime.

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