Rising Up Whole

Rising up LOVED.

2012-01-07T23:31:00.018-07:00

This is a very long-overdue blog post. It's the day before my 1st wedding anniversary - and I suppose you could say no news has been good news. Or something like that.

Shortly after the new year last year, I was privileged to be able to marry my wife, Theresa, in a wonderful, snowy, intimate ceremony with so many beautiful friends and family in attendance.

An online community I've been involved with had their conference in Denver. Since many of our friends go to this conference, we decided this would be a perfect opportunity to celebrate with many people who normally wouldn't have been able to make the trip here. We were surrounded by dear friends from all over the country, Canada, and Australia.

Since Theresa and I decided not to invite anyone who couldn't be happy for us and celebrate with us, we were happy to have Theresa's mom, grandma, and an old family friend join us. I also had a relative there and it was nice to have someone there related to me who wanted to celebrate us.

Standing in for my parents were Bob and Mary Lou Wallner. Mary Lou lost her lesbian Christian daughter to suicide after she refused to accept her daughter being gay. Mary Lou and Bob have traveled all over to tell their stories and educate about the consequences of homophobia and we've ended up at several of the same events and conferences and gotten to know each other through the years. I was so honored to have them be at the wedding, in light of my own family's non-acceptance.

Our dear friend Joe was the officiant. We decided that we wanted the wedding to be interesting and surprising to us as well as to our guests, so we asked three different couples to do something during the wedding - taking up to 5 minutes to do whatever they wanted. And we didn't want to know what they were doing until they did it.

One couple read a haiku and then burst into a song about our relationship to the tune of The Brady Bunch. Another sang one of our favorite songs and wrote a beautiful third verse for us. The last couple had one person talking about us and their own committed relationship, while the other half of the couple played a very perfect love song on the piano. Our friend Ling read an e.e. cummings poem, and another friend sang a beautiful song for us.

Our rings were passed around in a bird's nest during a ring-warming ceremony. Since we are non-religious but many of our friends are people of faith, we decided to use this as a way to include them, and asked everyone to hold our rings and take a brief moment to make a silent wish, pray a blessing, or fill the rings with warmth, love and some good juju.

We wrote our own vows which made each of us cry and some of our guests gag (and I said "Follow your shiP" not "shiT" people, just sayin'), had a wonderful time and celebrated us in front of the friends and family who give us unconditional love.

The reception was in the same art gallery as the ceremony, and our friends gave such wonderful toasts. Another friend put together a Newlyweds game for us, and we couldn't stop laughing.

It was an entirely perfect wedding, except for the absence of some friends who were not able to come. You know who you are!

It's amazing to me the life we've created for ourselves...the love that we give and receive...the ways that we bring wholeness to ourselves and to others.

It's been an amazing first year, this first year of being with Theresa for the rest of my life. We had sickness on the honeymoon (pneumonia for Theresa, bronchitis for me), a flooded basement on our return, great visits with friends (and wonderful visits with my nephews for me), board games and cabins, work and play, the death of a very dear friend, being apart for Christmas (that will never happen again)....all of it. It's just life, and it's what is real, solid and good. I wouldn't trade what I have in my relationship with Theresa for anything in the world. I'm looking forward to many more years to come.

Happy Anniversary, baby.

As to be in plain sight

2010-10-11T21:04:00.008-06:00

My coming out history is complicated, like many people who have been in and out of the closet because of the ex-gay movement. I had come out initially in my early 20s, then was back in the closet four years later, where I had another kind of coming out to do. This kind was perhaps even harder, coming out as gay (or ex-gay) among conservative Christians. Then, when it was all over - when I began to come to my senses - I entered into another round of coming out that might have been the hardest of all.

In the last 7 years, I've had a lot of big coming out moments - this blog that I started 5 years ago last week, the Glamour articles in French and English, the Good Morning America piece, and so on and so forth. You'd think the whole world would just know by now, wouldn't you and that I'd get to rest a bit?

However, coming out is still something I do on a weekly, even sometimes daily, basis. I have a choice to make all the time. How honest and authentic will I allow myself to be on this day? How uncomfortable will the other person be if I am authentic? How uncomfortable will I be with their discomfort? How safe will I be if I am out?

When Theresa and I are in a store and they automatically assume we must be related, instead of partners, what do we do? Do I say, "oh, she's not my sister; she's my partner" or let it slide? When the sales clerk asks for what occasion are we buying these nice clothes, do I answer that it's for our wedding? The assumption is always that I'm straight, until I say (or do) something differently. And I'm not OK with that always being the assumption.

So why do I feel the need to be out, even when I don't have to be out everywhere I go? Why do Theresa and I act like any other couple when we're out in public (a touch on the shoulder, an affectionate look or a term of endearment), instead of hiding our love away so that others feel more comfortable?

Because being out is not an option for too many people still. Because not being out is not an option for a lot of other people. Because teens who are being bullied and feel so alone need to know they're not. Because I'm happy to be exactly who I am.

In related news, this last Friday Theresa and I finally got our engagement photos done. This is one of our favorites.

Photo by Daniel Gonzales.

Trickle-down bullying

2010-10-03T22:36:00.006-06:00

These last few weeks have been filled with pain and sorrow for many in the LGBT communities following a recent spate of teen suicides resulting from gay kids being relentlessly bullied (or kids that were just perceived to be gay). I wasn't sure what to write about it; it felt so overwhelming. And it's just a drop in the bucket of all the lesbian/gay/trans/bi/queer youth who have attempted or completed a suicide.

I'd just written my post about Focus on the Family's campaign against anti-bullying measures in schools and then all this came to light. So it felt particularly painful and heavy to me.

I was mulling this over when I read with great interest a blog post from Exodus Vice President Randy Thomas, where he tells his followers that they should "Step Up and Speak Out" against bullying.

Sounds great, right? I mean, Exodus encouraging people to stop bullying gay folks? What's not to like?

Randy writes this particularly touching paragraph: "We must come to the aid and defend life no matter where it is being exploited and dehumanized. We must speak out against bullying behavior. We must intentionally edify, bless and build up others to counteract the hurtful influences of this world."

It sounds beautiful, but unless it represents a true shift for Exodus, it is just PR. Sadly, the words mean nothing until I see a change in the continuing rhetoric.

These words are coming from the mind of someone who actively has worked to make it more difficult for LGBT people to live lives free from dehumanization, harassment, and yes, bullying. This comes from someone who oversees, according to the Exodus website, more than 170 "professional mental health and church-based member agencies across North America." Over at Beyond Ex-Gay, we have consistently heard from people who have had contact with many of these ministries that they have been harmed. There have been people who have consistently complained of dehumanization and abuses at several ministries and the claims have not been investigated, and the participants have not been listened to.

Alan Chambers, the President of Exodus, has on more than one occasion called gay love a "counterfeit" and also said the gay community is a "counterfeit" community and that being gay is an addiction and bondage. Alan and Randy both oppose hate crime legislation (which includes crimes against LGBT people based on orientation/gender identity). They regularly share their testimonies in an effort to influence legislation pertaining to LGBT issues. They talk about change in ambiguous language meant to mislead, and disregard the stories of those who nearly killed themselves trying to change their orientation, and who now live truthful, whole and authentic lives.

It causes me to recall a conversation I had with an ex-gay leader who asserted his wish that we would go back to time when gay people felt ashamed of being gay. When your wish is for people to feel shame about their lives, when you want them to live in fear and silence, that is dehumanization. When you want to roll the clock back and go back to a time when people suffered deeply and lived lives of desperation, humiliation and shame, you are being a bully.

Randy continues, "People, regardless of who they are or what they believe, need friends who bless and defend not expose and betray. We have to fight selfishness and exploitation with selflessness, respect and unconditional love. We must default to having a humble and high regard toward another person’s soul."

When people hear that our love and lives are "counterfeit" or a "delusion;" when they hear that we are broken, sick and damaged people; when they hear that gay people can change (without "change" being fully explained - i.e., a change in behavior, not orientation); when they hear that people "choose" to come out of homosexuality without understanding that being gay is not a choice; when they hear lies about the lifespans of gay individuals or hear that our lives are empty, yet full of drugs, disease, alcohol, addiction and rampant sexual encounters, it becomes easier for them to hate us.

It might not be the words "fag" or "dyke" or "queer" but it's the words "broken" and "emotionally dependent" and "bound up in sin" and "deadly lifestyle" and "bondage and addiction" and "counterfeit." It might not be an actual blow but it's a systematic tearing down of the worth of lesbian, transgender, bisexual and gay people. In short, it's bullying behavior. And don't tell me that it doesn't trickle down to our vulnerable youth with some very tragic consequences.

The artwork above is a piece of mine titled "Self Preservation." There are days that I feel the need for a way to insulate myself against the bullying words and actions of those around me. Most days I am strong enough to exist without that extra insulation, but there are some days....

Focus on the Family and the anti-bullying gay agenda.

2010-08-31T15:37:00.005-06:00

As I was driving to work today, Theresa told me about an editorial in our weekly Aurora Sentinal, which made me think perhaps another blog post was in order (two in the span of one week? I know, brace yourselves).

The editorial, entitled "The real bullies at Focus on the Family" talked about Focus on the Family's recent assertion that "the anti-bullying issue is being “highjacked by (gay) activists.” It's a clear editorial that calls out Focus on the Family for its efforts to attack anti-bullying programs because they feel it promotes a "gay agenda".

The Denver post also ran a news article about the issue and talked about bullying statistics.

"About 30 percent of American sixth-to- 10th-graders report being involved in bullying — either as a victim or bully, according to a 2008 report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

"It's three times more common if you're gay, Byard said. GLSEN's 2007 National School Climate Survey found that almost nine out of 10 lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender students experienced harassment. Almost 61 percent felt unsafe in school. And 22 percent reported being physically assaulted in schools."

These are sobering statistics and I don't care who you are. That should make your heart hurt just a little.

This issue is important to me because I was bullied and harassed in school for 5 miserable years (6th through 10th grade). Not because I was out and gay (I didn't even know women could be gay at that point of my life!) but because I was different. Was I different because I was gay and had differences that people couldn't quite put a finger on? Perhaps. For whatever reason, I just never fit in and I was miserable on a daily basis and cried myself to sleep more nights than I can remember. (As an aside, all of this happened in Christian schools. The best years I ever had of my school career were the two years I spent in public school.)

When I was in the ex-gay movement years later, this was pointed at as a potential reason that I was gay (among many other "root" causes we discovered). Ex-gay programs are full of people who were tormented in schools, not necessarily for being out as gay, since many of us would have been horrified at that thought, but merely because we were different...perhaps expressing non-gender-conforming behaviors. Boys were targeted for being sissies, and girls for being tomboys. Many of my ex-gay friends had been called names because they were perceived as gay, whether they admitted that they were at the time or not (most of them didn't).

I remember vividly when the shootings at Columbine happened, because here in Colorado, it was a REALLY really big deal. It wasn't abstract. I knew people who knew people in the school. My therapist at the time counseled some of the family members who lost children. I was in a group once with an ex-gay woman who had known one of the killers for his whole childhood. When people started talking about how the shooters were possibly bullied and that is why they attacked, it struck a chord with many of us. While we didn't condone the violence, most of us, it seemed, knew what it was like to feel harassed and bullied and the adolescent desire to give it back better than we got. Many of us, it turned out, had envisioned some type of revenge on our bullies. Yet we thought what had happened was awful. It was an emotional time for many in the ex-gay group I attended with a lot of conflicting feelings.

If you read ex-gay testimonies, you'll often read about people being bullied in schools and the damaging effect it had on the person, and some of them will point to that as a reason they decided that maybe they were gay (of course, it's not as simple as that in real life, but testimonies often are a little light on the complexities of the situation). In my ex-gay days, I was told that bullying by peers is a prime reason someone could become gay, because if a person was bullied, harassed, and rejected by same-sex peers, that person might then always seek the approval of the same sex, and then that need might become "sexualized" (a mysterious happening that was often an explanation for "the gay" - such and such need had become "sexualized.") If a person was bullied by opposite sex peers, then that might drive you right into the arms of a same-sex person, again with a need that was sexualized. As I write this, I realize the mental gymnastics we all went through to find something we or Jesus could "fix."

Anyway, my point is this: If so many ex-gays have been bullied for their sexual orientation, and they see this as one of the causes for their homosexuality, why in the world would they ever want to stop anti-bullying initiatives that specifically deal with matters of sexual orientation or gender identity? Why shouldn't kids know that it's not OK to call kids names? Especially "sissy" or "faggot" or "dyke." Or that it's not ok to make fun of the kid that has two moms or two dads? If the theories of the ex-gays are right, that bullying in schools can cause someone to perceive themselves as gay, and therefore lead to them living a gay life, isn't that enough of an argument that bullying should be stopped?

I remember talking to an ex-gay friend of mine who said that he actually supported non-discrimination acts and laws because although he no longer considered himself gay, he was still susceptible to discrimination because he was perceived to be gay. He said, "the guy on the corner who might attack me because I am more effeminate than many men will not stop to ask me if I am ex-gay or gay. He'll just attack and I'll get just as hurt." Wise words. Words that I wish more ex-gays and ex-gay activists (as well as the folks at Focus on the Family) would contemplate.

It seems like however you come at the issue, from the point that gay is OK, or that it is not and should be changed by whatever means possible, we should be able to agree that bullying is bad for kid's psyches. And that bullying based on real or perceived sexual orientation has long-lasting consequences for many people.

If the "gay agenda" is about wanting all kids to grow up as valued and nurtured and not bullied or harassed, then sign me up. It would have made a world of difference for me. I still would be gay, but I'd have a few less scars to worry about.

Note: For a great take on the Day of Silence and bullying from someone who is ex-gay (although I don't think she likes that label), check out Disputed Mutability's post here.

A Slice of Life

2010-08-18T21:47:00.002-06:00

So I guess it's time for my yearly blog update. Really? Where has the last year gone?

I have some legitimate reasons for letting this blog get dusty, and some not-so-legitimate ones, too. The cat bite that had my hand in a half-cast for a bit? Probably legitimate. The weeks I spent watching the first two seasons of The Waltons? Probably not.

But the biggest legitimate reason is that...I've got myself a girl and I am getting married in 5 months. Yes, you read that right. Me, who was OK being single and in fact sort of despaired of ever being able to have a good, healthy relationship after the ex-gay movement. Me, who wrote about enmeshment with the words of someone still in the thick of the healing process. Me, who thought I'd never find someone who got all my quirks and weirdness and loved me not in spite of them, but because of them. That me.

That me has been busy dating the girl of my dreams, being in love, getting engaged, planning a wedding...

How did this all happen? Let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up. (I know, I think I've used this line already on my blog before, but it's a good one, and worth repeating, as is anything from "The Princess Bride" really...but I digress).

The "sum up" is that Theresa and I met through a mutual gaychristian.net friend on Facebook, almost two years ago. We were initially just very, very good friends (we lived in different states–geographically, not emotionally), but that changed after our first in-person meeting a year and a half ago. Then I imported her to Denver and that's that. We got engaged on Valentine's day of this year in the very most romantic way possible (a treasure hunt where she was the prize, waiting with a ring, a rose, and a book of poems), and it's been slices of everyday life and extraordinary bliss mixed in with wedding planning since then.

My ex-gay days did a real number on my psyche. After being told so many times that there are no "happy endings" in lgbt relationships, that gay relationships don't last, that any love I had for another woman was just a "counterfeit"–it was really hard to even dream of someday meeting someone. And then once I did, what if I got "enmeshed" or "emotionally dependent?" So many things to fear. And fear is immobilizing (at least for me it is).

Now that I'm in an actual relationship, it's been a great feeling to shed all that garbage. That's just old stuff that isn't true. It may be true about some lgbt relationships, just like it is about many straight relationships, but it certainly isn't true of a vast number of them. It's been delightful to get to know other gay and straight couples with good relationships. People who model interdependence and good communication. I can honestly say that I've never felt this loved, embraced, and cherished in my life. We started out the best possible way–as friends who knew the good, the bad, and the ugly–and that's laid a strong foundation for our future.

And what does that future hold? Who knows. I just know it's gonna be good.

Celebrating me

2009-09-12T20:59:00.005-06:00

“I wouldn’t be LGBT, if I had a choice, is internalized self-hate. It’s like saying I wouldn’t be a woman, or a man, or “white,” or a person of color, if I had a choice. It’s the desire to flee something we are.” Robert Minor, Gay and Healthy in a Sick Society

This quote hit me right between the eyes. I used to say "If I had a choice, I wouldn't be gay." I used to say, "If I have kids, I hope they aren't gay", or "Why would anyone choose this life?"

Of course, I was referring to all that we have to deal with in society...but that wasn't all. Deep down, I think I still didn't really want to be who I was. I think I had the thought that I was trying to make the best of it since I couldn't change it. And above all else, I wanted others to love me and I wasn't sure that could happen if they thought this was a choice or, heaven forbid, something I was happy about.

Times have changed for me. I don't wish a straight life on all children. I want there to always be different types of people in our society. What I wish for instead is for our society to finally come to terms with differences and to embrace those who stand outside the norm.

I also am finding out more and more that I really love who I am. All of it. The gay parts of me, too. However, the gay parts are not separate parts that can be lopped off like limbs. The gay parts are more like...(if I'm going to continue the "parts of the body" analogy)...the nervous system. I can't survive without a nervous system. I also can't survive without this part of me that informs everything I do. I'm not saying it is all of who I am, because that is certainly not true. I'm more than "the gay", but I can't take the gay out of me without slowly killing myself.

I know this for a fact because I tried. I tried for many years to sublimate all my differences. To stamp out anything that read "gay" and to become a different person. I walled off my sexuality and in doing so, lost my creativity as well. I stuffed down everything that was outside of gender norms, but I didn't realize that I lost many fine things about myself. Things I used to value and cherish now became hated and worthless. As Peterson says, "I went to war against my body and my sexuality." That's certainly how it looked for me as well.

One of the first blog posts I ever wrote after coming out of some of my ex-gay fog and life was about how, as a gay person, I was absolutely no different than anyone else. And it's true - in many of the big "life" things I am no different than anyone else. I want my family to love me for me, not for who they expect or desire me to be. Most people want that. I want to be treated well. I want to be loved and accepted. I want others to feel that way, too. But part of what I was really saying was that I also didn't want to be different. I didn't want to be perceived as different. I used to get nervous when I'd see an ultra-butch lesbian, or a very femmy gay guy. "What will others think of me if I hang around someone like that? They'll think we're too different and they won't accept us."

For some people that may be true. For others, thankfully, it is not. However, somehow over time, and I think in working through a lot of my ex-gay past, I've come to realize that I'm OK being different, that the world will not end if I'm not accepted by all who pass my way.

I am different. I am not just living your average, everyday life. I've had to confront many beliefs I've cherished and ideas that I'd grown up with to see how they fit into my life now. I've had to grieve many things that no one should have to grieve, including the loss of family and friends. I've had to dig deep and see where my strengths are and learn how to develop them. I've had to face a lot of fear and challenge myself to go beyond what I think I can do. I've learned how to speak out when I'd really rather just be at home reading a book.

So yeah, I'm different. Because I'm gay and because I'm also just me. I'm a lesbian. I have weird toes and short arms (although probably those things have nothing to do with being a lesbian). I'm proud of who I am. I think, while I have some regrets about my life, I don't regret this larger journey I've been on and I no longer mourn the fact that I'm different. Instead, I celebrate it.

Edit: I was suddenly reminded of a line from a song by one of my favorite groups: "I don't know who else to be / more and more I'm secretly just me" from the song "Goodbye (this is not goodbye)" by Over The Rhine. It seems to fit.

NEW Beyond Ex-Gay Community Site

2009-08-24T20:01:00.008-06:00

Posted on Peterson's blog this morning and I wanted to repost it here. I'm so excited about what we're doing!

Back in April 2007 when Christine Bakke and I launched the Beyond Ex-Gay website, we knew it was only the first of what we hoped would be several organic steps we envisioned to help support fellow ex-gay survivors. Our goal has been to help survivors connect with each other both on-line and in person.

Since the launch, we have held ex-gay survivor gatherings in Irvine, CA, Memphis, TN, Denver, CO, Nashville, TN and even as far away as Barcelona, Catalonia where survivors got to meet face to face to share their experiences and to help in the recovery process. (We will have the next gathering in West Palm Beach, FL in November 2009).

I remember how thrilling it was at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine when I saw people in person for the first time, some after years of connecting on-line through blogs and social networking sites. We had developed deep and meaningful connections through our often vulnerable sharing with each other on-line and were able to jump right into even deeper connections.

Christine and I have always planned on creating a social networking site just for ex-gay survivors. We didn’t want to rush though and get ahead of ourselves. This is a volunteer effort, and we don’t like to do something that is not thoughtfully considered. We have spent the past two years consulting with other people who have run social networking sites to find out the difficulties that arose with moderation and in creating community. We looked at various technologies, some well outside of our price range. We finally settled on Ning.com, which offers flexibility and options for customizing pages, engaging in discussion and creating groups.

For now we want to focus primarily on people who have had ex-gay experiences. These are not just people who attended ex-gay programs, but also those who tried on their own to change or suppress their orientation or gender differences. Some of these ex-gay survivors may also have been leaders of ex-gay programs at one time. We have also met transgender individuals who as part of their own life experience have spent time in ex-gay treatment. So much gender policing happens in ex-gay programs.

Although we have come to a place of understanding that change was not possible or necessary for us, we also recognize that the treatments and theories that once influenced our lives and view of the ourselves and the world have often caused harm. Over at the bXg site I list the various types of harm that several ex-gay survivors say they encountered as a result of trying to straighten themselves out.

Christine and I have met many straight and LGBT allies who have never had ex-gay experiences themselves yet have been effective in activism, supportive to survivors and present during our gatherings. For now we want to limit the Beyond Ex-Gay Community social networking site just for survivors and not for allies. Some allies struggle to understand how some of us say we experienced both good and bad during our ex-gay experiences. They don’t always understand the complexity of our experiences, and in their passion for justice or for showing empathy sometime express anger and judgment that does not always help in our own process of trying to understand exactly what happened in our lives and how to respond to it.

Below I have posted the basics from the new Beyond Ex-Gay Community site. It will operate as an invitation only site for now. If you are an ex-gay survivor and want to know more about the community site, Send me an email requesting an invite. Also include a brief overview of your own ex-gay experiences.

Beyond Ex-Gay Community

WHO: This site is for people who at one time attempted to suppress or change their sexual orientation or gender differences either on their own or with the assistance of others. We have since determined that for us change was not possible nor is it necessary. We understand that by pursuing such a change, we may have encountered more harm than good. We now choose to move beyond our ex-gay experiences and affirm ourselves as lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals.

WHAT: This site gives ex-gay survivors an opportunity to connect with fellow survivors to discuss our ex-gay experiences (what we did, why we did it, the harm as well as the good that may have come of it) as well as the issues surrounding recovery from ex-gay experiences.

This site is a SAFE SPACE for ex-gay survivors and not a forum for anyone but ex-gay survivors. Harassment, preaching, shaming, etc will not be tolerated. Honest sharing, thoughtful exchanges, funny stories, helpful suggestions are all very welcome.

We also recognize that many of us come from religious backgrounds, some quite abusive. We seek to maintain a site that it is a safe space for religous/spiritual and non-religious/spiritual people. We endeavor to respect each individual’s personal journey and not impose our own on another.

This site is not to take the place of therapy or professional treatment. If you feel uncomfortable or not ready to connect with others about your ex-gay experiences, or feel you have already done this and need to move on, than this site is not for you at this time.

WHY: We have discovered that many people who have not had ex-gay experiences do not understand the complexity of such experiences. We share many similar stories and many differences. We struggle with the fact that we may have encountered loving kind people and positive experiences along with the trauma we endured. Through connecting with other survivors, many of us have found clarity and insights. We have found mutual support and friendship.

(This is Christine again. Feel free to email me as well if you're interested in joining the bXg community website and forums)

More thoughts on Bridging the Gap

2009-08-02T16:54:00.009-06:00

Since my last blog post about bridging the gap, I've been thinking a lot about bridging and what's all involved with that. After some offline conversations with folks, as well as comments on that post, I felt I needed to write a little bit more of my thoughts, disjointed as they may be. I'll preface this by saying I don't mean this as some sort of post slamming Christians or Christianity, I just wish to post some thoughts and observations I've had recently. So now...my mostly uncensored thoughts:

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to bridge with many conservative Christians. I mean, if a Christian says to me that they don't think gay people will be allowed into heaven, how is it possible to build a bridge or meet in the middle there? I don't believe that being gay (in orientation and behavior) means someone won't go to heaven (if it even exists in the form most folks think). How do we get to a middle ground there? Likewise, I believe I'm whole and wonderful just how I am. Others believe I need to be healed. What is the middle ground?

A bridge, to me, implies meeting in the middle. So what's the middle here? Gay people can get halfway to heaven? I'm only partially flawed? That is an untenable position to me. I spent too many years believing I was broken and flawed and "less than" merely because I had same sex attractions. And now I know that I'm not broken and I feel more complete and whole than I have ever felt in my life, and you can't convince me otherwise. Likewise, many Christians feel you can't convince them that they Bible as it is translated could be wrong here and there.

This leads me to my next thought. Is a conservative Christian building a bridge merely so the "other side" can cross over to their side? For many pro-gay people who were doing bridging work with conservative Christians (many of them ex-gay) years ago on a site called Bridges Across the Divide they became disillusioned with the bridging work over time because there was no middle ground that anyone was willing to stand on. Conservatives were not going to concede that gay relationships were OK, and self-accepting and -respecting gay folks were not going to concede that their lives and relationships were not okay. At an impasse, and after many hurtful actions and statements by conservative Christians who used to be "bridgers", many pro-gay people are no longer interested in bridging work. And I don't blame them.

The inherent problem with trying to bridge over gay issues is that you're talking about our lives. And more and more, many of us are feeling like our lives are not up for debate. The time for debate and dialogue about whether my life, and my basic orientation is OK, is over. As Mel White, founder of Soulforce, wrote on his blog:

"For me, the debate is over. The verdict is in. Homosexuality is not a sickness, not a sin. Furthermore I have no interest in continuing that debate. Whether fundamentalist Christians believe it or not, I can say without fear or ambivalence: “I am gay. I am proud. And God loves me without reservation!”

I’m no longer willing to debate my friends on the religious right. I’ve sat through a thousand dialogues. I’ve stood in protest, been arrested and thrown in jail. I’ve written. I’ve preached. I’ve been interviewed endlessly, all hoping that one day fundamentalist Christians would realize the tragic consequences of the untruth they proclaim.

Now when someone interrupts a speech or sermon to ask me “Have you ever read Leviticus 20” my answer is simple if abrupt. “Friend, you’ve confused me with someone who cares what you think about Leviticus 20.”

This brings me to my next thought:

In his speech in Cairo talking about the U.S. and Islam and moving forward with our relationship with Muslim countries, President Obama said:

"But I am convinced that in order to move forward, we must say openly to each other the things we hold in our hearts and that too often are said only behind closed doors. There must be a sustained effort to listen to each other; to learn from each other; to respect one another; and to seek common ground. As the Holy Koran tells us, "Be conscious of God and speak always the truth."

Maybe some of the problems that arise from bridging are that many times in order to bridge, we don't speak all of our truth. We're trying not to offend, we're trying to withhold judgment, and we're trying to make a lot of allowances. For instance, I feel like many Christians make friends or sustain friendships with nonbelievers to win them to Christ. They often don't show their hand, but keep it close to their vest, not wanting to reveal what all is in their cards for the future of the relationship. (On the other hand, maybe in order to keep bridging without offending the other person or driving them away, we need to keep some of our true beliefs and intentions hidden?)

I know about keeping things hidden because I was raised as a fundamentalist, evangelical Christian and I almost never made friends without first ascertaining if the other person were Christian. If they were, great. If not, my goal was to win them to the Lord by (nearly) whatever means possible. It made me perhaps a wonderful friend on the outside, because I was willing to do almost anything to spread the love of Jesus. But inside I was always somehow pathologizing everything they did, and saw them as inherently lacking in something (namely, God) and having needs that could only be fulfilled by Jesus. I saw everything in spiritual terms and would rejoice when I felt like they were having trials that were bringing them closer to God, or if I felt like God was blessing them in some way to show his love and grace. I would pray for my friends because they were incomplete without God.

Because of this, I don't honestly know how to bridge well with Christians, because I usually feel from them a certain sense of superiority, whether intended or not. If someone thinks they have the ticket to the only truth, where does that leave me? How can a Christian just be a friend without an agenda, when they have the great commission to fulfill? How can they "bridge" when bridging might require leaving that commission to witness behind them for a bit?

Once again, more questions than answers. But I'm interested in others' thoughts on this. What do you think? For my readers who are not Christian, how do you feel in your relationships with conservative, evangelical Christians? What do you think can be done to bridge with them? Do you agree with things I've said? Not? For my Christian readers, what do you think? How do you feel about bridging with those who don't share your faith? Do you think there is a middle ground somewhere, or is that also untenable to you? Thank you in advance for your thoughts.

[image: november, originally uploaded to flickr by downtownlynn.]

Bridging the Gap

2009-06-24T03:03:00.008-06:00

My post today is part of a larger initiative of more than 50 bloggers all sharing their thoughts on how to ‘bridge the gap’ between faith and sexuality. You can check out the other links at: btgproject.blogspot.com

At one of my lowest points in life, it was a straight Christian who rescued me. At another low point it was an agnostic gay friend. At my highest point in life, it was a gay Christian who celebrated with me. I have found absolute unconditional love with a non-Christian. I have friends all across the spectrum. Gay Christians and straight agnostics. Gay atheists and straight Christians. I'm an ex-ex-ex-Christian (that's just a non-Christian with a very sordid past).

I have been everything from a fundamentalist Christian to an angry ex-Christian. I have been an evangelical ex-gay and an apathetic agnostic. I've been on all sides. So in some ways, it's ideal that I've been asked to participate in this synchro-blog-o-rama. Who better to talk about bridging the faith/sexuality gap? However, I find myself at a loss for words. Not that that's anything new (as readers of my blog will attest). But I'll try. Bear with me as I share my somewhat scattered thoughts.

Frankly, sometimes I wonder if it is possible to bridge this gap. I think, for instance, that many ex-gay programs and ex-gay therapists cause more harm than good. Many fundamentalist or conservative, Evangelical Christians think that GLBT folks are riding on a one-way train to hell and feel compelled to stop and tell us about it. How do we love while also holding these ideas that are most likely never going to change? We both would claim love for others as our motivation. Is it ever possible to love without an agenda?

About two years ago I went to lunch with a friend who is on the staff of an ex-gay ministry. Still smarting from a previous meeting with two major ex-gay leaders who seemed to take almost a perverse pleasure in saying the most hurtful things (including that they wanted to go back to a time when gay people felt ashamed to be gay), I forgot about loving without an agenda. I forgot about how much I love my friend, and instead tried to show him where he was wrong. I was hurt and I lashed out a bit. I confronted him "in love" but I didn't radically love him. I didn't find out where his heart was. I wanted to change him and change his thinking, out of love of course. I loved, but with an agenda.

Is it possible in particular for conservative, Evangelical Christians to love without an agenda? I started thinking about all the various Christians I've known and I realized I only know a small handful of Christians who seem to be able to just love with no preconceived notions of what will happen in return (will they get saved? will they change their beliefs about this or that? will they start going to church again?)

The very first time I ever met Wendy Gritter (director of New Direction in Toronto and the author of the Bridging the Gap blog, the organizer of this synchroblogging event), it was at a gay Christian event. She was there to experience it for herself and see what it was all about. I am sure that she witnessed what I did - scores of people who were dedicated to Christ but also happened to be gay. It's an amazing experience to be among gay Christians, and odd too, if you're a non-Christian like me but with a Christian background. It's like you've walked into a conservative Christian environment, with folks having seriously deep Bible discussions, and others praying for everyone's needs (including hotel staff) in the prayer room. The same sort of environment I've been in time and time again, with one exception. It's not an anti-gay crowd. These are gay folks, whom many incorrectly think are incapable of having a real and saving relationship with Jesus Christ.

But I digress. I'm there and I meet Wendy.

I knew right away that Wendy was different. I could tell from the start that she came with what I call an "open hand." She was not there to talk, but to listen. It was my privilege to sit and talk with her and share my story and answer her questions. Since then, we've had some email communication, but mostly we chat online. I tell her about my girlfriend and I think I can almost see her smile (through the computer) at my happiness. She inquires about my world and I ask about hers. I genuinely want to know, and I know that she really wants to know what is real for me. Not what I think she wants to hear, but what is real. So I tell her. All the ups and downs (but mostly it's ups, so that's nice). I enjoy seeing the journey she's been on, even if I might not be on the same walk. And I feel that in return. She loves without an agenda.

My two nephews are 4 and 6, and when they do something to hurt each other, my sister says "go and make it right" and they will go to the other and say "I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" and rub the other boy's back. If they can do something else to make it right, she encourages that as well.

What can we do to "make it right?" All the past pain and hurt and heartache around this issue? What can we all do?

I don't know much about bridging the gap, I suppose. I probably know more about the gap itself than about how to bridge it, but I think this is where it starts. Open hands. Open hearts. And it's not just about the straight Conservative Christians loving without an agenda, it's about the GLBT community loving without an agenda too. Some would argue that it is not up to us to love. It is up to the straight Christians to make right what has been wrong for so long. I would argue that instead of worrying over who broke something in the first place, let's just all take some steps to make it right, and start loving without an agenda.

Rising Up Whole

2009-04-25T12:49:00.006-06:00

When I first started this blog three and a half years ago, it was called "Rising Up From The Ashes." At the time, I still felt identified with the ashes all around me from my time in the ex-gay movement. As time went on, I realized that I was healing and growing away from all that mess, and I changed my blog title to "Rising Up Whole." It was a big step for me to acknowledge that I was moving on with my life. That I did not need to be stuck in the aftermath of an ex-gay life.

As someone who believed the lie of the ex-gay movement that said she was broken and needed to be "healed," the idea of being truly whole was a relatively new one for me. While I talked a lot about wholeness while in my ex-gay days, I had no clue what that really meant. At that time, wholeness meant I wouldn't be gay. Wholeness meant I wasn't operating out of a place of "broken sexuality." Ironically, the longer I was ex-gay and pursuing wholeness, the more broken I felt.

As I went through the (true) healing process after leaving the ex-gay life, I had to unlearn all the teaching about brokenness and and relearn my own worth and beauty, not just as a lesbian, but all that being me entails. Now, I feel I definitely operate out of a place of wholeness. I know who I am and what I value. I know that there's nothing in me that needs to be cured, and in fact there's so much about me that deserves to be celebrated.

The words "Rising Up Whole" have so much personal meaning for me that I even created a piece of art two years ago about how it wasn't me that was broken: it was only that I'd been looking at a broken mirror that had been held up for me.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Someone called and asked when I'd started "Rising Up Whole Ministries." Huh? It turns out that my anti-gay mother has taken this name that means so much to me (so much so that it's my skype, IM, email, and GCN handles) and started a ministry of the same name, and appointed herself as a counselor.

Go ahead and take a few minutes to pick your jaw back up off the floor. No, this isn't a coincidence. My mother reads this blog. She knows how much this means to me.

It's taken me a few weeks to get over the shock of all this and sort out some of my feelings about it. I don't know if it's an ex-gay ministry or just a general counseling ministry. My mom and dad aren't licensed counselors, but they are licensed ministers through some organization that did not require traditional seminary or even a B.A. (since my mom doesn't have one, and my dad has a major in industrial arts and a minor in history). This means they are able to put out a shingle and counsel others.

I suspect it has something to do with trying to turn something "meant for evil" into something "meant for good" in Christian-speak. To me it's just the height of disrespect. I will not change the name of this blog or anything else associated with that name. It's my name that describes my journey, and it will always have such meaning to me.

I am rising up once again.

Dreams of a Daughter

2009-02-16T14:23:00.009-07:00

It came to my attention the other day that my mom had a piece of writing published on the anti-gay PFOX website (PFOX=Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays). Just to be clear, PFOX may be the friend of some ex-gays (I know other ex-gays who insist that the anti-gay PFOX does not speak for them), but they are certainly no friend of GLBT individuals. Anyway, here's her article: A Mom Speaks Out.

While I don't want to play out family drama over blogs and public venues, I feel I must make some response. I've made a few public posts/statements about my parents (although I usually refuse to answer questions about them from the media) and I guess, although it seems strange and awkward to read about oneself in a public space, I don't have a problem with them speaking publicly about me. To be fair, my parents didn't have a choice in me going public with my story. So they're well within their right to write about me.

My parents and I are estranged. I can certainly appreciate that being gay, and my lack of salvation (who determines that, anyway?) are important things to them, but the truth is that we are estranged because of other equally important matters. They know what these matters are and what they could do to improve the situation, and I'm not making that public. They have thus far been unable or unwilling to do what needs to be done to restore any semblance of a relationship. And these issues have nothing to do with me being gay.

Clearly the fact that I'm gay (and unrepentantly so) and no longer a Christian is painful to my mom. It is hard to see her obviously hurting. I do love my parents and I always will. But I also refuse to accept love that is conditional upon me being straight (or ex-gay; since those aren't the same thing) or a Christian.

I've come into my own after much struggle and I reject the notion that I am lost or broken or need to be restored. There is something really disturbing about this idea that I am fundamentally flawed and need salvation in order to be a "good girl" in this world. I already am good, whole, and the only thing I've ever needed restored to me was my sanity after the years in the ex-gay movement.

I remember what it was like to be so distraught that others weren't going to heaven with me. I know all the tears I cried for people I loved. I remember all the teachings about how not telling people about Jesus was like giving them a ticket to hell. It was our responsibility to make sure people knew about Jesus. In their minds, there's nothing more tragic than eternal life without all of their children.

There's part of me that wants to make fun of all the things my mom describes in her writing. Snow White? Waiting for my True Love's kiss? Snow angels? Going through the trash to find something precious which turns out to be an object that represents me? (Hint: I am not in the trash and never was). It's some strange stuff, especially if you don't come from this fundamentalist Christian worldview.

And yet I don't want to knock all the crazy-seeming stuff. These kind of experiences, "words of knowledge" and etc, are all incredibly meaningful to my mother and lots of other people. I only take issue with it when it confronts my life and calls me "less than." I've often told people that I don't mind if they think I'm going to hell, just treat me with respect, love and dignity and we can have a relationship regardless.

Although saying that they love me unconditionally, in the Glamour article my mom said, "When you rock your baby in your arms, you never think one day my daughter will be homosexual and want to have sex with another woman, never have children. No one holds their baby and says maybe they’ll grow up to be a rapist, or this or that. You have dreams for your children.”

Well you know what? Children have dreams for their parents, too. You don't lay in your parent's arms and think that you'll have to defend yourself from them thinking you are lost and damned eternally. You don't cuddle up and think that one day you'll find out that they believe that who you are is synonymous with being a rapist. I certainly didn't have those dreams for my parents. What I did dream instead was that I might be able to express my concerns and be heard. I dreamed that I would be always cherished and deemed worthy of their love and respect, no matter my beliefs. I dreamed that I would be supported in living a life that was truly authentic and truly mine, without the haunting thoughts about what a disappointment I am to them. Those dreams have had to die.

In many ways maybe we have more in common than we realize. We all had dreams for each other, and maybe still do. More and more I'm questioning if there is hope for resolution. In my mind, what they want me to do or be is untenable. I will not go back to that life.

My mental, emotional and spiritual health depend on it.

"In The Life" focuses on former ex-gays

2009-01-05T22:31:00.007-07:00

The ex-gay survivor movement, Beyond Ex-Gay and our Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine, CA are the subjects of a new "In The Life" segment. Wayne Besen, Peterson Toscano, Rev. Dr. Mel White, and Michael Bussee are all interviewed.

"In The Life" is a GLBT news magazine show on PBS stations (think a queer 60 minutes). It was particularly gratifying to see this addressed on "In The Life" mostly because there were different times in my life when that show acted as something of a lifeline for me. When I was ex-gay, I caught the show a few times and remember feeling a sense of connection to something I had lost. I saw the show when I was first coming out of the whole ex-gay mess and watched it hungrily. I was so desperate to see people who looked like me. Now I watch it and realize how content I feel in my life, and I'm happy the show was there for me through the years. Follow the link to view the show!

Neither

2008-11-17T23:32:00.001-07:00

I read the following note posted online today by a friend and wanted to share it with others.

Just over a week after moving into my new home with my fiance, Katie, we were blessed with a little reminder outside our door of the ignorance and intolerance that thrives under laws like Proposition 8. The note read as follows (punctuation added):

"Thank God for Proposition 8#. Fags can't get married. Oooh, that must be a hate crime. Tough shit fags."

I was at work when I got the word, via phone call, from my very frightened fiance. While I had experience with this kind of hatred before, Katie had lived a life almost entirely free from discrimination. She was terrified-- afraid to do the laundry or take out the trash- counting down the moments until I could return from work to be with her.

We filed a report with both the police and the managers of our apartment complex. Now we just have to wait. I catch myself looking out the window every time someone walks by. For about 12 hours straight, I had a horrible ache in my stomach. Every once in a while, I will catch myself thinking that I am overreacting, or that I am thinking too much of it... but then an image of Matthew Shepard pops into my head and I remember the tragic consequences of this kind of ignorance.

~

Proposition 8, and other laws like it, fuel inequality because they create the idea that some people are more deserving than others. They allow [straight] people to believe that they are above LGBT people. Better than. Worth more. Holier than. Prop 8 allows straight people to feel superior over gay people in the same way that racial inequality allowed white people to feel superior to black people.

The effect of superiority is displayed in the letter that Katie and I received. People who feel better than, or worth more seem to also feel it is acceptable for them to belittle. To crush. To humiliate. To do verbal harm. To do physical harm. To kill.

"Separate but equal" is neither. Remember that.

They'll see how beautiful we are...

2008-11-17T13:00:00.004-07:00

The video of Peterson speaking at the Colorado Springs "Join the Impact" protest is below, courtesy of Loring Wirbel, for his blog Icono-Curmudgeon-Clast. See the post directly below for my reflections on the protest.

News from this "Bakke" girl

2008-11-16T20:44:00.017-07:00

On Saturday, November 15th, transgender, bisexual, lesbian and gay people in every major city in the United States held a protest against the passage of Prop 8 and similar constitutional amendments. Our message was simple: everyone should be allowed the right to marry. Peterson and I happened to be in Colorado Springs that Saturday morning, so we participated there.

Peterson spoke forcefully and eloquently at the rally (they had an open mic), stating that we already have the right to marry whomever we choose, and it's insulting that we have to ask permission. He also said that we are being treated shamefully, but ended with a quote from Langston Hughes' poem, I, Too,

"Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed--"

And the crowd cheered as we saw how beautiful we were.

The following photos are courtesy of Gina Richards.

In other news, Dan Gonzales and I were quoted in an interview by the Denver Daily News. I particularly enjoyed the comment below the article where I'm referred to as 'this "Bakke" girl.'

On Tuesday, I'll be giving a talk at the Women's Circle at the local GLBT center. The first time I ever told my story was at this group, three years ago, so I'm coming back now to tell it again, but more importantly, to talk about the Ex-Gay Survivor movement that has been launched in the last few years. If you're in Denver and want to attend, email me for more information.

I'll close with another quote by Langston Hughes (who was also gay):

"We younger Negro artists now intend to express our individual dark-skinned selves without fear or shame. If white people are pleased we are glad. If they aren't, it doesn't matter. We know we are beautiful. And ugly too... If colored people are pleased we are glad. If they are not, their displeasure doesn't matter either. We build our temples for tomorrow, as strong as we know how and we stand on the top of the mountain, free within ourselves."

Keith Olbermann on Prop H8

2008-11-11T21:23:00.002-07:00

I'm so glad this video is getting the exposure it deserves.

Ex-Gay Exposé = Hope

2008-11-08T21:47:00.003-07:00

I'm happy but so tired. I've been preparing (along with Dan Gonzales) for the past 4 months for the Ex-Gay Exposé weekend, and it's so nice to see it come together!

Last night we kicked off the weekend with Doin' Time with Peterson Toscano. Peterson performed excerpts from 4 of his plays, read poetry, danced, and generally behaved in a somewhat crazy way. Shocking, I know.

Today was the longest day by far. Protest/rally from 8:45-10:00. So great to see tons of folks out there, that early on a Saturday morning. We had *tons* of community involvement and support and must have had about 2 people per each available sign. Way to turn out, Denver (and Boulder...and Fort Collins...and Seattle...and San Francisco....and Iowa). We'll post pictures as soon as they're available.

Then we jumped in our cars and headed off down to the Mountain View Friends (Quaker) meeting house (from 11 to 4) for the Beyond Ex-Gay Denver Gathering. There we had ex-gay survivors from 4 different states and a wonderful group of allies as well. We did tons of exercises in small and large groups to tease out the answers to some questions. What kinds of ex-gay experiences did we have? What caused us to become (or try to become) ex-gay or to suppress our sexuality and/or gender differences? What harm did we experience? What have we done to recover?

After a quick dinner, Peterson and I headed over to the GLBT center to meet with mental health professionals about the ex-gay movement, its survivors, and the harm and damage from which ex-gay survivors have to recover. It was a very productive evening session (6 til 8), and we'll meet again tomorrow during the morning (9 to 12).

A very full twelve-hour day. So worth it.

I'm sitting here on the couch (with a cat on my shoulder) reflecting on the day's events and feeling so grateful for the people who are with me on this journey. The allies who show up to rally with us, my fellow ex-gay survivors (who have experienced so many of the same things), clinicians who want to learn how to help. I feel really full emotionally.

I promise, pictures soon! :)

Re: the art on this post...I see a lot of hope under that baggage!

NARTH's Gay Agenda

2008-11-07T12:59:00.003-07:00

Below is a press statement that I gave today at our Ex-Gay Exposé weekend press conference.

My name is Christine Bakke. I’m a 37 year old Denver resident. I have been negatively affected by the anti-gay message that NARTH has spread through churches and religious leaders. I believe that NARTH’s practices and teachings undermine healthy psychological and emotional development.

Growing up attending Conservative churches on the West Coast, the most trusted religious source in my family was James Dobson, or Dr. Dobson as we called him, the founder of Focus on the Family. Through his books and radio programs Dobson spoke with authority about child rearing, faith, family life and sexuality. Mixed in with his folksy wisdom and heartwarming stories, Dobson quoted scientific sounding facts and figures that enhanced his authority. Although showing up in our home as a friendly presence, over time his anti-gay messages affected me personally.

By my late teens I had figured out I was a lesbian, but Dobson taught that being gay was wrong and that lesbians could change. I did further research and stumbled onto NARTHs website where I read scientific sounding articles punctuated with references to research that lended credibility to their message. As a result, I eventually pursued the promised change and moved to Colorado to receive ex-gay treatment.

I began to attend religious-based ex-gay programs, and for a time I even believed that I was experiencing some kind of change. What I failed to realize was that I had walled off an essential part of myself. With regard to attractions I felt nothing inside but a growing numbness. I grew discouraged and depressed.

After more than four years, I had to face reality that change was not possible, and in fact, pursuing it threatened my mental health. I have spent the past five years in recovery from the ex-gay treatments I received and have come to a place of acceptance, stability and growing joy. I have also met hundreds of others negatively affected by ex-gay theories and treatments, and together we have helped each other in moving beyond this troubled time in our lives.

When I heard that NARTH planned to hold its annual conference in Denver, I knew I had to come forward today to tell my story. NARTH and Focus on the Family work in unison to spread a message that threatens the healthy development of young people who are gay and lesbian.

Over the years NARTH has developed its faulty theories and anti-gay treatments all under the banner of offering hope and help. Focus on the Family, using its extensive media arm, has disseminated NARTH’s message of “change” to millions of homes; to families much like mine that looked to Focus on the Family for reliable information.

In addition, for the past 10 years Focus has aggressively provided a platform for NARTH leaders and other ex-gay spokespeople to speak to tens of thousands of parents and pastors through an event they call Love Won Out. This day long conference held around the country, and now even overseas, targets people looking for answers.

Sadly, attendees leave with misinformation and false promises. Ministers and parents head back home to pressure the young gay and lesbian people under their care to pursue a treatment that the APA and every major US medical association states is unnecessary and harmful.

I know firsthand about this harm and that is why I stand here as a witness and a warning against the unsound messages that NARTH promotes.

Hair you can straighten. Gays? Not so much.

2008-11-06T13:16:00.004-07:00

Colorado-area and national groups Beyond Ex-Gay, Soulforce, Truth Wins Out, the Colorado Queer Straight Alliance, PFLAG, the GLBT Center of Colorado, Our Savior's Lutheran Church, the Religious Society of Friends (and more!) have been working the past few months to organize a public response to this weekend's NARTH conference.

NARTH=the National Association for the Research and Treatment of Homosexuality--an anti-gay "secular" group that believes that being gay is a sickness that can and should be cured. Wait, have we traveled back in time to the 19th Century???

We have planned a series of events under the banner--Ex-Gay Exposé--Exploring Practices and Harm in Reparative Therapy. As former clients of NARTH and NARTH-inspired ex-gay therapy, we speak directly to destructive nature of theories and therapies designed to change and suppress gay and lesbian orientation and gender differences.

In addition to standing up as public witnesses to counter the false and misleading messages of NARTH, we will meet with ex-gay survivors to explore our ex-gay experiences and look at ways in which we have creatively sought to recover from them and integrate our sexuality as part of our healthy development. We will also convene a team of mental health experts for a summit to consider treatment plans and best practices designed to help ex-gay survivors overcome from the harm we have experienced at the hands of anti-gay practitioners.

Lisa M. Diamond, Ph.D., an Associate Professor of Psychology and Gender Studies in the Department of Psychology at the University of Utah, speaks out in this video about how NARTH distorted and misrepresented her work in order to push their anti-gay agenda. (hat tip to Wayne Besen and Truth Wins Out)

Weekend Schedule

Friday, Nov 7th

7pm: Doin' Time with Peterson Toscano. Well-known ex-gay survivor Peterson Toscano, as seen in The Advocate and LOGO's "Be Real," will be on hand to perform excerpts from several plays inspired by his years spent in the ex-gay movement. Location: Our Savior's Lutheran Church (915 E 9th Ave, Denver. An affirming congregation)

Saturday, Nov 8th

8:45-10am: Rally at NARTH Conference site, Renaissance Hotel (3801 Quebec St, Denver). Meet outside to the south of the hotel.

11-4pm: Ex-Gay Exposé Gathering. Gathering for ex-gay survivors as well as allies who wish to learn more about the ex-gay movement. Location: Moutain View Friends Meeting. (2280 S Columbine St, Denver)

6-8pm: Mental Health Professionals workshop, part 1 (What is the ex-gay movement? What are common needs of ex-gay survivors?). Location: GLBT Community Center. (1050 Broadway, Denver)

Sunday, Nov 9th

9am-12pm: Mental Health Professionals workshop, part 2 (Exploring best practices for treating ex-gay survivors). Location: GLBT Community Center (1050 Broadway, Denver)

7 pm: Transfigurations: Transgressing Gender in the Bible. Written and performed by Peterson Toscano. Location: Our Savior's Lutheran Church (915 E 9th Ave, Denver. An affirming congregation).

If you're interested in attending any of these events, please fill out the information on this signup page and we'll email you as needed.

Doin' Time With Peterson Toscano

2008-10-22T12:43:00.003-06:00

I'm heading off to Nashville today to see Peterson and participate in the Our Family Matters conference. Newly-out Ray Boltz will be performing in concert on the last night, but the whole conference is well worth checking out. Peterson, Darlene Bogle and I will lead discussions with ex-gay survivors and other interested folks on Thursday night, and will also lead breakout groups on Saturday. If you're in the neighborhood (and even if you aren't), check it out! We'd love to see you.

Ex-Gay Survivor Interview

2008-10-19T13:58:00.003-06:00

Dan Gonzales, Rev. Nori Rost and I were recently interviewed by KGNU radio about ex-gay experiences and the response that some good citizens of Colorado Springs are launching to counter the Love Won Out message that will be heard in Colorado Springs next weekend. Have a listen here: Audio interview.

Happy National Coming Out Day!

2008-10-11T18:26:00.004-06:00

I just realized today that it's been three years since the night that I told my ex-ex-gay story for the first time. I had just started this blog a week or so before and I was so nervous about speaking in front of this group of 20 women. I had only met Peterson six months before and we'd only spoken three times at that point. At the end of the post where I told about the evening those three years ago, I wrote, "I'm amazed at who I'm becoming." Telling my story, my truth, was a big step for me, and one that ended up being life-changing.

Now I look back on the three years and so much has happened. Beyond Ex-Gay, the Glamour article (it will be three years ago tomorrow that I connected with Stephen Fried for the Glamour article), the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference, and all of it.

For all my friends and readers who are "out" - thank you. Keep telling your stories. For those who are yet to be, I can say that for me it's made all the difference.

And I'm still amazed at who I'm becoming.

Dan's Big Gay Choice

2008-09-30T22:25:00.004-06:00

In response to some comments by Sarah Palin about the "choice" of being gay, Dan Gonzales created the following video.

Dan Savage also offers his services as a "gay friend" for Palin. (I know, I'm sorry, I've tried to remain neutral, er, silent, on this blog as some of my dear friends and family will vote for McCain/Palin, but I just have to blog this...forgive me!)

Twisted love

2008-08-07T09:33:00.014-06:00

A week or so ago over at Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) we received a feedback comment on our website from Anthony Falzarano (an ex-gay leader and the founder of the anti-gay PFOX organization, shown ~~in a PFOX ad~~ at right) addressed to Darlene Bogle. I forwarded the letter to Darlene.

Yesterday I received this email from Darlene (shared with permission). You can read her story at Beyond Ex-Gay in which she writes about her journey out of Exodus. Part of her story is that her partner of twelve years, Des, passed away from breast cancer in 2005.

Dear Christine!
Thank you for sending the feedback email from Anthony Fazarano addressed to me at the bXg website!

It reads:

Darlene, I'm glad I ran across your blog. I still miss you. I am sorry to hear that your lover died of breast-cancer. Darlene is God sending you a message? Please consider coming back to Exodus. You are loved and missed. Why would God call you back to lesbianism, give you a lover and then take her away. I'm sorry that you are going through this. My heart is breaking right now but I believe that you belong to the Lord and "He chastizes the one's that he loves". I believe He is calling you back. If you want to talk I am here to listen. Please call me at [removed] if you want to talk. May God Bless You, Anthony Falzarano

I was appalled when I read his words, which on the surface seem so compassionate. It was such a strong reminder of why I left Exodus and could never consider going back under their "umbrella of faith." How arrogant of Anthony to send such a condemning statement as to ask if God was sending me a message! God sends me messages all the time to remind me of His love and acceptance of me as a lesbian daughter! He has brought a wonderful Christian woman into my life immediately after losing Des. We walk together in faith and love and serve those in our community as a blessed lesbian couple.

To say I am loved and missed (but not accepted) sounds great until he adds the judgmental statement that suggests that Des got breast cancer and was taken away as some sort of punishment for our lesbianism!

Apparently he feels that if you follow God, nothing bad will ever happen to you. Des and I had 12 years together and she was a special gift of God to me. I stood at her bedside the night she entered heaven, and saw her sweet smile as she met her Lord face to face. Would God give us 12 years together, then take her to heaven as a judgment? No, but through the life she lived, and that we shared, I came to know His love in deeper ways, and to be a more caring, compassionate and kind human being. I wouldn't change it for any experience. Serving God does not insulate you from death. I think we are all going to keep that appointment that was established by God before we were ever born. (Psalm 139)

Anthony says he believes I belong to the Lord. I know that I am God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works! If Anthony believed that I was really the Lord's..he would not be trying to heap guilt and shame on me for the loving relationship I shared with Des, and continue to share with Becky.

Then he pulls scripture out of context...Revelation Chapter 3 and Hebrews 12 talks about God chastising those whom He loves, and haven't we pulled this out to beat people into obedience of not the Scripture, but of what we want them to do to be acceptable? What a crock.

Anthony believes God is calling me back? To what? The judgmental teachings of Exodus that say you have to change your orientation to be acceptable to God. Long ago I committed myself to acknowledge God in all my ways and allow Him to direct my path. How can I go where God isn't?

To then offer a listening ear if I want to talk? That is the major malfunction of Exodus leaders...How can they listen when their mind is made up? Thank you Christine for being one of the survivors who showed me the harm that is done by just this type of thinking! I thank God for you because I see your face and pray to God that I will never be guilty of such rejection of a human soul again! I realized when I met you and Peterson, that I had been so busy talking---my mind was already made up and I had no room to listen with my heart!

I would be happy to have Anthony's email be revealed for what it is, and my response published for the world to read. Anthony and Exodus have had over 15 years to tell me of their loving acceptance, and have not done so. I will not be responding to Anthony directly, but thanks for sending it on to me.

Darlene Bogle

www.DarleneBogle.com
Author of A Christian Lesbian Journey

Another

2008-07-22T21:12:00.008-06:00

I just got the following email from a gay straight alliance here in Colorado:

On Thursday, July 17, Angie Zapata, an 18-year old Latina transwoman was murdered in her home in Greeley, CO. She suffered two severe fractures in her skull. Her family believes that she was murdered by her boyfriend or members of her boyfriend’s gang because of her gender identity.

The Greeley Tribune, a local newspaper reporting on this case, continues to use an incorrect name and pronouns for Angie. Her family has been very supportive of her and are both angry and upset at this lack of accuracy and sensitivity in reporting. Please let the Greeley Tribune know that this is not acceptable and their lack of appropriate reporting is contributing to an environment where violence against transgender people is continuing.

Last year a Christian friend told me that they felt Christians were the most hated minority in the United States. While there's so much wrong with that statement, I think if you're staging a competition of minority groups in our country, the "winners" would be our transgender brothers and sisters. I'm so disgusted by this latest murder, and how as of today, the Greeley Tribune was still referring to Angie by her birth name, instead of her chosen name (they since have reported that the victim "lived as a woman" and have made their pronouns neutral, but only this evening, and the murder happened last week). I'm sickened by one more violent act in a world of violence (whether of fist or of heart) against the transgender community. I don't even have any more words.

UPDATE: 8/30/08 - The suspect has been caught and has confessed to "killing it". I hope that he will be the first person in Colorado to be charged with a murder with a hate crime enhancement against a transgender person. I'm sorry we have to have hate crime legislation, but I'm glad that as a state we've added transgender identity to our hate crime laws.

Pride

2008-06-22T21:41:00.001-06:00

Today was Denver's annual pride parade and festival. I showed up fashionably late after a night out (my second visit this year to a lesbian bar where I'm working on my mad dance skills).

I always enjoy pride because it's the one time of year when everywhere I look I see people who are like me. I have heard gay Christians who are uncomfortable with the word "Pride" - thinking that we shouldn't be proud of anything. But I view it more like people having been beaten down, heads hung in silence and shame, and now a hand is held out, chins are brought up, faces shown the light, and we're told, "you have just as much right as anyone else to walk with pride in who you are."

One of the things I noticed again today is the diversity in our community, and the beauty of seeing those who aren't mainstream, or who don't "fit" for whatever reason. I'm always a sucker for the PFLAG moms too. I remember my first pride parade in 1995 and I saw a woman holding the classic " I love my gay child." Having never seen anything like that before, and not knowing it was even possible for parents to love their children even though they were gay, I couldn't hold back my tears. PFLAG mom hugs are still one of the best things in the world for me.

But maybe my favorite thing was seeing the older gay and lesbian couples, those who look at today's Pride celebration and probably shake their heads at what we take for granted. Meanwhile, I look at them and am grateful for their roles in the community and for paving the road for today's parade.

Still sorting myself out

2008-06-08T20:46:00.004-06:00

I guess sometimes I forget I have a blog. Sorry for the lack of posting. I've been really caught up with some major work situations. Long story short, I am back to freelancing full-time again. It's been hard for me to figure out what's going to work best for me and the extra jobs and bXg work that I do. I think it's the right decision, and I seem to function best as a freelancer instead of a regular employee. So I've taken that path again. Now if I can just get a steady flow of work...

While I was gone sorting out my life (Peterson loves to say "sorting out" so that's just for him), a few things happened that I probably should have blogged about. Although if you follow Peterson's blog, you're already in on all of it. For most of you, I'm imagining it's old news...still, here it is.

Peterson was recently featured on Logo's Be Real show. It follows Peterson as he retires his play "Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House–How I Survived the Ex-Gay Movement". He talks about survivors coming forward to tell their stories, and bXg member John Holm is featured telling his story for the first time. (I have a few brief appearances as well.) Take a look (Peterson's story is in clips part 1, 3, 5 and 7).

The Advocate magazine published a long article about ex-gays and ex-gay survivors and the changing landscape of the ex-gay movement in the June 2008 issue (the Pride issue). They mention the apologies, beyondexgay.com and quote both Peterson and me. The printed version has a photo of our Irvine Chalk Talk too.

Dan Gonzales and I did a presentation about the Ex-Gay Survivor's Movement to a group of folks here in Denver, where we also presented alongside local Soulforce sheroes Kate Burns and Sheila Schroeder (who refused to leave a local city clerks office when they were not given a marriage license), and two amazing student activists. It was great to present to people who were engaged with what we had to say, and also to present alongside other committed activists.

Beyond Ex-Gay has also announced a future gathering in Denver (hmmm, how convenient for me!) over the weekend of Nov. 7-9th. Stay tuned for more announcements!

Lastly, I had a birthday a week ago, and I'd say I feel older but for whatever reason, I thought I was already this age for most of last year. Probably because last year seemed like one of the longest years of my life, so maybe at some point I just decided I was a year older. Anyway, I turned a year older, but I'm the same age I've been thinking I was for a while. It's good to know I've practiced up.

That's about it for now. Hopefully I'll have more time in the future to blog as I get myself and my work sorted out.

Happy Birthday bXg!!

2008-04-01T20:35:00.017-06:00

On April 2, 2007 we launched Beyond Ex-Gay and announced the 2007 Ex-Gay Survivor Conference.

We're taking a few minutes to share the BXG love and look at all that's been accomplished:

June 20, 2007: Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and Soulforce invite Exodus leaders to dinner.

June 27, 2007: Former Exodus leaders issue a public apology for their roles in the ex-gay world.

June 29, 2007: Dinner with three Exodus leaders.

June 29-July 1, 2007: Ex-Gay Survivor Conference; Reflections from survivors who attended.

July 2 - August 3, 2007: The Ex-Gay Survivor Initiative
Ex-Gay Survivors told their stories in front of places that promote and provide ex-gay therapy/ministry.

August 17, 2007: Three former ex-gay leaders in Australia add their names to the apology from June 27.

Fall 2008: Dozens of ex-gay survivors come forward to tell their stories through bXg, blogs, video and in the press.

February 22-24, 2008: Deconstructing the Ex-Gay Myth—A Weekend of Action and Art, Memphis, TN.

Upcoming April 6, 2008: bXg meeting with therapists to discuss treatment plans for ex-gay survivors.

Upcoming October 23, 2008: Ex-Gay Survivor Regional Gathering in Nashville, TN (part of God and Gays Conference).

Upcoming, date and location TBD: 2009 Ex-Gay Survivor Conference.

Stats: 125+ pages of content on bXg, 65,000+ unique hits, hundreds of contacts and emails, many lives influenced.

What's Next for us?

Beyond Ex-Gay has been a labor of love. We have accepted (with much gratitude) donations and have at times been able to partner with other organizations, but we need to pursue non-profit status to continue this important work.

It costs money to become a non-profit organization as well as to fund our upcoming projects. Any donation would be appreciated (although please note, it is not tax-deductible at this time). We invite you to be an active part of the ex-gay survivor movement. Donate using any major credit card or e-check through paypal. If you would like send a check or a money order, please contact us and we will give you further contact information. Thank you for your generosity.

Refried Freud

2008-03-28T21:53:00.009-06:00

I'm listening to Peterson on Radio Catskill and he's talking about, wow, I don't know what anymore (he's moved on and I'm still listening and my attention span is short) but he said something like..."the ex-gay movement is all about these theories that are basically refried Freud..." and I thought yup, ain't that the truth.

My previous post dealt with the way that the ex-gay movement doesn't see or understand that they are not seeing a real representation of all folks queer. Jeff's video and the therapist's immediate inquiries into his family made me think about the therapy I had, and the therapy I knew that other folks went through.

The fishing expeditions (a friend started to believe he didn't feel his father's love after being badgered with, "did your father say he loved you? It doesn't matter if you knew; did he say it? He didn't say it? Then you didn't really know it, did you? Of course you didn't know it; didn't feel it. How can a child know it if they're not explicitly told it?" and so on) and leading questions and suggestions (one pastor's wife suggested I make up abusive things that might have happened to me, so that I could break the curse of satan, just in case I didn't remember specific things that might have happened to me in my life. I forcefully refused.) I was even told that sometimes women can be gay because they have not been able to grow out of the stage of penis envy.

I knew one women whose therapist gave her assignments to flirt with men. An ex-gay guy who went on several dates to try to learn how to be with a woman (without disclosing that he identified as ex-gay), on the recommendation of his therapist. A woman who was counseled by the leader of the ex-gay group that women should wear makeup ("need to put some paint on the side of the barn"). A man who changed his last name because his ex-gay therapy led him to believe that his parents were to blame for him being gay. A woman who insinuated that she had been abused because she felt like her story didn't "fit" the ex-gay model without some kind of a root cause. A young man who said that after he got out of the ex-gay movement and was finished with reparative therapy, that's when the real repairing began. He had to repair the relationships with his family after buying into the belief that they were distant from him and made him gay.

I myself sought out about everything that was available in the therapy realm, spending thousands of hours and dollars grasping for any kind of healing available. I began with therapy with a licensed therapist (one of the worst experiences I ever had in therapy) who did theophostics with me (a special kind of Christian therapy: guided visualization with Jesus) and she eventually came to believe that I was so oppressed by Satan that seeing me oppressed her as well and she had to have friends pray for her and do deliverance work with her after seeing me (what a self-esteem booster there!). I had group counseling and prayer through Living Waters, and we spent time going back through several generations to identify generational sins that might be influencing my life today. I renounced and declared victory over all sorts of sins from previous generations (talk about a fishing expedition - boy howdy).

I spent hours having deliverance work done, and I still can't talk a whole lot about it to this day, some of it was so confusing, upsetting and at times, traumatic. I was counseled by at least four different pastors and wives over the years. I was also prayed for and discipled by numerous people in various churches, to whom I confessed so much and let them into so many areas of my life (which also unfortunately meant that they could do greater harm to me emotionally and mentally). I attended conferences and had so much healing prayer that if anyone should have been healed, one would think I would have at least been a good candidate.

That's not to say that some of us don't get help from our therapy. I know that even in spite of all of the horrible therapeutic experiences I had, some good came out of it. However, I believe I could have gotten the good through other means without going through the trauma of all of these experiences and the years as ex-gay and seeing everything through the ex-gay crazy psychological lenses. At any rate, I am now actively recovering from these years, and the bad therapy and damaging and sometimes completely backwards Freudian ideas (oh, and by the way, I'm quite happy being a woman).

I do need to say that all of these people meant nothing but good for me. They gave so many hours of their lives to me, listening and talking (mostly listening) and praying. So much praying for me. I can't fault their intentions. But they just are not equipped. And one day sessions like Love Won Out, and outdated theories do not equip people to deal with ex-gay folks. In many cases I fear that it just gives them enough information so that they have a sense of false confidence about being able to handle these issues, and they know just enough to be dangerous.

Of course, like in my case, even licensed therapists who have an ex-gay mindset and agenda can be just as damaging as the lay leaders. Sometimes I can't decide which is worse. Counseling by a therapist we think should know the best because we think they're the experts and we trust them more, or lay leaders who we think love us more because we are not paying them. No matter what, ex-gay counseling done by therapists or lay leaders, many poorly equipped through books, Exodus conferences, Living Waters training programs (one week long), Love Won Out day-long conferences, on-the-job training, or for some, nothing more than being ex-gay themselves, mixed with refried Freud, is a recipe for disaster.

The one that got away

2008-03-24T19:45:00.010-06:00

Today at Box Turtle Bulletin, Dan Gonzales posted video of Jeff Williamson talking about being sent by his parents to see a reparative therapist. He didn't want to go because he was OK with being gay, sure of his sense of self and theology and knew he didn't want anything to do with the ex-gay movement, but went to the appointment his mother had made for him.
[From Dan Gonzales — Update 03/26/08: After realizing the ramifications of having certain aspects of his story in the public domain Jeff has requested I pull his video with the intent of re-shoot a more focused version of his story this weekend. My editorial concerns with pulling content are far outweighed by my desire to respect Jeff’s right to control the way in which his own story is told.]

[The video briefly told of Jeff going to a reparative therapist here in Denver who initially tried to fish for any problems with Jeff's family, then had the tables turned a bit while Jeff and he discussed the Bible and homosexuality, and what Jeff thought about it his feeling that reparative therapy didn't work - my synopsis from memory - 3/26/08, Christine]

While watching the video, my mind wandered (as it will do) to how Jeff's story illustrates just why the ex-gay movement gets it so wrong about queer folks and the people who make up the lesbian, gay, bi and trans community. They don't ever ask themselves, who are the people who don't go into ex-gay ministries?

They're people like Jeff Williamson. They're the many LGBT folks who do not have unresolved sexual abuse/trauma. They're folks who have (or had, before coming out), for the most part, good relationships with their parents. They are those that aren't running from a wounding and broken relationship or a bad experience. They're the ones who don't dull some sort of pain with alcohol, drugs, or sex and call it all "gay." And they too exist.

But they don't spend time in the ex-gay movement. They don't fit the theories, the theories don't fit them, and they don't waste any time there. So the ex-gay leaders don't see them.

I've long maintained that ex-gay ministries think the gay community is made up primarily of abuse survivors (I've heard from some ex-gay leaders that they think 90% of all gays have been sexually abused; Melissa Fryrear claims 100%) because that's what they're seeing inside their programs.

I think those of us who have survived childhood abuse are particularly drawn to ex-gay ministries (Peterson writes about this very eloquently in his article "How Sexual Abuse Made Me Ex-Gay.") We already feel broken, ashamed and often dirty. We, maybe more than most people, seek out the promise of wholeness and healing.

We see a "what caused you to be gay" checklist and nod as we mentally correlate the unfortunate events of our lives to our "unwanted same sex attractions" today. We sign on the dotted line.

The ex-gay leaders see all the abuse victims who flood their groups and extrapolate that out to the gay community and proclaim that almost all of us have been sexually abused, had bad relationships with our parents, or same-gender relatives, and label all the troubles in our lives as having to do with being gay. Alcoholic? "Gay." Drug addiction? "Because you're Gay." Sexually compulsive? "Super Gay!" Unhealthy relationship? You guessed it! "Gay, gay, gay!"

It's refreshing to see someone like Jeff Williamson tell his story. He's obviously got a strong sense of self—strong ego strength—to reject a therapy he knows won't work. But this video is more than refreshing. It also is a witness to the many who don't last long enough in the ex-gay movement to even get counted or factor into an estimate from a ministry, a therapist or a pseudo-scientific study.

Because I spent so much time in the ex-gay world, rarely did I have the privilege of meeting someone as well-adjusted and sure of himself as Jeff. Which makes me think that at our next ex-gay survivor gathering, in addition to those who have been negatively affected by their ex-gay experiences, we will benefit from the presence of people like Jeff who never felt compelled to pursue them.

Many meanings (no words)

2008-03-12T10:19:00.003-06:00

Lotsa cool, new stuff over at BXG

2008-03-06T21:46:00.011-07:00

Since I took a part time job (downgraded from my full-time job as of a few weeks ago to make more time for my activism "lifestyle"), I've had some time to devote to my bXg life. The result of that was the weekend in Memphis and some updates to the beyondexgay.com website (yay!) and, as some of you have noticed, more blogging (yay again).

As of yesterday, we added a whole bunch of new stuff onto the bXg website.

John Holm, an ex-gay survivor who told his story for the first time in Memphis, has a newly-created collage up on the site. He gave a framed copy of the collage to Melissa Fryrear at Love Won Out in Memphis. We'll be posting his narrative very soon. Box Turtle Bulletin has also just posted video by Dan Gonzales of him telling some of his story outside of Love Won Out.

We also posted a new collage for a wonderful guy named Tom O'Toole, Jr. Tom's narrative has been on our site for a while, and we've posted two really great articles he's written (Hope Deferred and Loving Dissonance), but we had not yet posted his collage, which is viewable here.

We also created three new pages to cover our memphis weekend. One is our photos page, the other is the video for the weekend, and last (but certainly not least) is the detailed page about the chalk talk, which includes text from the wall and some commentary. If you only have time to watch one video out of the five, I'd recommend watching Jacob Wilson's video about his time at Love in Action. It moved me to tears.

One of the workshops we held at the Beyond Ex-Gay Mid-South Regional Gathering (wow, who came up with that title? – what a mouthful, Peterson, er, I mean, anonymous person) was about recovery, and all the ways we can recover from the harm. As a group, we came up with lots of different ways, and have turned all of the ideas into an article called "Ideas for Recovery from Ex-Gay Harm".

We've also highlighted a new narrative, Randy Baxter's story. Randy writes,

"...after three years as a counselee and over a year in ministry leadership, I'd observed and prayed with hundreds of sincere sisters and brothers in Christ who, like me, had diligently read the Bible, led exemplary lives of faith and submitted themselves to God in every way possible for years and years — all without any change in sexual preference."

Read all of Randy's story

The other new page on the site is a narrative by Marcus Lira. Marcus's narrative begins,

It starts with a desire.
And it ends with conflict.
That’s why it’s called the Struggle.

Read the rest of his story about his time in Love In Action (the pre-Memphis version).

Dan Gonzales, a frequent writer and filmmaker for Box Turtle Bulletin (as well as filming wonder for bXg) produced a powerful piece of art for the Ex-Gay Survivor Art Show in Memphis. See a larger version of his work on our Visual Art page, and while you're at it, check out our other artists, too.

So take a look at all the great new stuff at bXg. And if you want to be on our mailing list so you're alerted when we make major updates, please send us an e-mail at bxg (at) beyondexgay.com with "subscribe" in the subject line.

From Peterson: Lovely Shifts and Dramatic Changes

2008-03-05T11:10:00.007-07:00

Note: This is a direct cross-post from Peterson's blog entry about some exciting updates in the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement.

by Peterson Toscano

I keep having to remind myself that it is not even a full year since Christine Bakke and I launched Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and the Ex-Gay Survivor Movement. That was in April of 2007 after an all night crazy session where we posted nearly 30 pages of content in eight hours. Now we have over 120 pages of content with loads of narratives, art work, articles and resources. Soon we will have a recap of what happened in Memphis with photos, video and more.

After the launch of bXg, we partnered with Soulforce and UC Irvine's LGBT resource center to organize the first ever Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine, CA. By choosing to have it in the same city and the same week as Exodus' annual conference, we saw the beginnings of a deeper sharing that previously had not taken place between ex-gay leaders and ex-gay survivors.

By telling our stories through art, in the media, over dinner, in a chalk talk, apologies, through video and written narratives, our message has been that for many of us, our ex-gay experiences caused us more harm than good. In telling our stories we have sought to understand what happened to us and to stand as a witness and warning about some of the harm that can come from trying to change and suppress our orientation and gender differences.

People began to listen. Others felt encouraged to speak out. In less than a year dozens have come forward, not to attack ex-gays, but simply to share how the ex-gay life was not possible or healthy for them, and that they found a better way for themselves.

Some discussions we held were very public, others very private, and will remain private. And we have begun to see shifts and changes.

Love Won Out has since revamped their web site and now presents a slightly more realistic picture about change than they have in the past. Ex-gay leaders attended some of the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference events and blogged about how moved they were by what they saw and heard. People have begun to use the term ex-gay survivor in the media and on their blogs. Recently Wendy Gritter, a leader of an Exodus affiliated program in Canada, specifically referred to the stories at Beyond Ex-Gay in her keynote address to Exodus leaders earlier this year. Wendy has since published a piece over at Ex-Gay Watch outlining some changes she would like to see take place at Exodus.

And today we learn from Ex-Gay Watch that Alan Chambers announced that

In August, 2007 after a lot of prayer, deliberation and listening to friends and critics alike — but mostly the Lord — we decided to back out of policy issues and our Director of Government Affairs took a position with another organization.

This is good news indeed and comes after much work on the part of folks both within and outside of Exodus to help the leadership to consider backing away from getting tangled in debates about LGBT rights.

Back in July during the Ex-Gay Survivor Initiative sponsored by Soulforce, ex-gay survivors shared their stories around the country with a recurring theme about harm, but also with a call to ex-gay leaders and church leaders to consider pastoral care and people's lives before politics.

John Corvino, a philosophy professor and wonderful lecturer about LGBT issues recently wrote an excellent article about ex-gay issues. In it he says,

People often ask me what I think about ex-gay ministries. I have no objection to them in principle, but serious problems with them in practice.

I have no objection to them in principle because I believe we should give others the same respect that we ourselves demand. That includes giving people wide latitude about living their lives as they see fit. If you really believe that you’re heterosexual deep down, and you want to take steps to help realize that identity, far be it from me to insist otherwise. I’ll let you be the expert on what you feel deep down, as long as you show me the same courtesy.

You can read the rest of the piece here.

Lovely shifts and dramatic changes are happening. Thank you to all ex-gay survivors who have stepped up to share their lives and their stories. Later this week along with Box Turtle Bulletin we will release more video of ex-gay survivors who recently began to speak out. We cannot underestimate the power of telling our stories honestly, vulnerably, not out revenge or malice but out of concern for others who may not know the other side of the story.

(posted here by Christine, written by Peterson Toscano. I'm thrilled by all the progress made and by Exodus' willingness to listen, but busy putting our post-Memphis recap pages together so we can show them soon!)

Memphis Chalk Talk

2008-03-01T17:27:00.013-07:00

A few folks have asked about our Chalk Talk at the Beyond Ex-Gay Mid-South Regional Gathering that we had in Memphis last weekend. Thanks to Dan Gonzales we have a video of the Chalk Talk wall. I'll also post still photos and quotes from the wall in a few days. But in the meantime, here's the video. My comments are below (I'd recommend watching the video before reading my comments that relate to it).

I wrote a number of things on the wall during this exercise. It was a really interactive time, probably because we had a much smaller group and smaller space. We really took time to take in what each other was writing/drawing, and we responded to what everyone else was writing, and I noted more connecting of ideas and thoughts. Like I said in a previous post, this weekend was something that I really needed, in part because I wasn't able to experience much of our Irvine conference because of my organizational role. I was able to feel like I could take part in this, and I did. So many things touched me deeply, that I can't even isolate one or two things that were written, but I'll try.

I've still been struggling mightily with the emotional dependency/enmeshment idea and trying to figure out relationships. Ironically, because of how this weekend has rocked my emotional boat, I've had to reach out to my friends a lot this week, and I've seen that they're there for me, and I see that I've been better able to accept their help and friendship without being as afraid of needing or being too dependent. So I think I have made progress there and I am so glad for the friends I have, and especially for a few who have hung in there while I've kept my distance out of my own fear.

(Thanks for the photo goes to Bruce Garrett)

I had a huge emotional reaction to the idea of failure and "you didn't try hard enough" and I wrote the response "or you tried too hard." Since the Glamour article I have had both of those sentiments directed at me way too many times to count. (I know, sometimes I think I'm too sensitive a soul to be doing this work) But that has hurt me a great deal. I just can't win. And while I know this isn't about convincing the unconvinced, it still hurts to always feel the failure, especially with people I used to be close to.

Which leads me to the locked church (seen in video), and the idea of those whose lives I used to be such a part of, who welcomed me into their homes with open arms, as long as I was Christian and ex-gay. Actually, two of "My House of Cards" playing cards related to this so I thought I would post them here. They're about finding a church with welcoming and open arms, and sinking into those arms that just exuded feelings of unconditional love, which turned out to be conditional, even though I believe they did love me. Still, it hurts to have so much loss when you come out again. (click to enlarge the cards)

Advocate of the Impossible

2008-02-28T21:14:00.006-07:00

One of the pieces of art I showed at the Memphis Ex-Gay Survivor's Art Show was called "My House of Cards" and consisted of a huge number of collages on playing cards that together became a collapsed house of cards. The collages contain bits and pieces of my ex-gay story and encompass everything from the highs and hopes to the lows and the devastation, including some of the aftermath.

I've been thinking about posting some of the cards here on my blog periodically. Here's the first one. (A note: these cards reflect my experience only...your mileage my vary.)

Ooooh, this reminds me. If you check out bXg or read Peterson's blog (and really, who doesn't?) this is way old news, but anyway...there's video up of the press conference we held at the art show location on Friday. It's in 5 parts and all can be seen here (including some wonderful information about ex-gay issues by Jim Burroway of Box Turtle Bulletin and Jacob Wilson sharing for the first time ever his heart-wrenching Love In Action story). The gallery walk part is on video 5 (but I haven't seen it yet - can't stand watching myself on video. I am pretty sure there is footage of the house of cards piece). So check out all the video and the art show. Special thanks goes out to all the participants and to Dan Gonzales for his super videoing skills.

More Memphis

2008-02-23T22:23:00.005-07:00

Our weekend of Action and Art in Memphis is almost over and it's been an amazing success.

Today we had, among other events, the Mid-South Regional Gathering for Ex-Gay Survivors and Allies. At the conference in Irvine, I was so busy doing the behind-the-scenes work I didn't really have the ability to participate in the conference. This afternoon, though, I was able to take part in the activities and workshop we'd planned. I really needed it. I've been heavily processing a lot of stuff the last 6 months or so and it really helped to get together with a group of folks who know exactly what I'm talking about, and just really "get" me. It also felt good to be able to communicate with my art.

We did another chalk talk. We'll post photos of it soon. It moved me deeply and I participated by writing a lot of thoughts on the paper wall, and then crying and processing during the debriefing. I really appreciate everyone else's comments and input, as well as the understanding nods as we all talked about our experiences. It is so wonderful not to feel alone with all of this.

I also enjoyed the workshop about practical ideas for recovery. It was good to see just how much work I've done, and also to get ideas from others for healthy ways to recover. I'll be working with Peterson in the next couple of days to get that up on BXG.

Thanks to everyone who attended today's gathering. It was very special for me. Thanks to everyone who helped support us (and who continue to support us) over this weekend. This work is not easy, and it's been a hard weekend for me, as I strive to be real with what's going on with me, protect myself in some cases (know my limits), and yet try to maintain committed to the responsibilities I have on the organizational side of things (limited as they are; thanks Peterson).

It's so good to know that even though we are just fragile human beings with fragile psyches and hearts, together we can heal, and perhaps together is where the true healing begins.

Walking in Memphis

2008-02-17T11:12:00.004-07:00

I know, what an obvious title. I'm out of inspiration. I'm using it all for the art I'm finishing up for the upcoming Memphis show.

Speaking of Memphis (how convenient!)...

There's a great article in the Memphis Commercial Appeal about Jacob Wilson, a former Love In Action participant who attended the program as a teen, and a participant at our weekend of action and art. Local memphis folks might consider adding to the comments to show that not all memphis folks agree with some of the comments that have been initially left there.

Since we're on the topic of Memphis, here's a schedule of the upcoming events this week:

NEW! Friday 2/22 noon Press Conference (Press only) at the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center MGLCC (892 S. Cooper). Ex-gay survivors, local leaders and experts release statements about the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgendered community in response to Focus on the Family and Exodus promoting an inaccurate picture about LGBT people.

Friday 2/22 12:30 - Sunday 2/24 6:00 PM The Ex-Gay Survivor Art Show at the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center MGLCC (892 S. Cooper). The show is hosted by the MGLCC & Beyond Ex-Gay.

Friday 2/22 8:00 PM Doin' Time in the Homo No Mo Halfway House--How I Survived The Ex-Gay Movement, at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper)

Saturday 2/23 2:00-5:00 PM Beyond Ex-Gay Mid-South Regional Gathering, MGLCC (892 S. Cooper)

Saturday 2/23 8:00 PM Preview of the Morgan Fox's film This is What Love in Action Looks Like at First Congregational Church (1000 S. Cooper)

Sunday 2/24 10:00 AM Art, Activism and Spirit a presentation by Peterson Toscano at the Memphis Friends Meeting (917 S. Cooper)

Sunday 2/24 2:00-6:00 Memphis Gay & Lesbian Community Center's 5th Anniversary Party at 892 Cooper 19 Years in Memphis, 5 Years in Cooper Young!

Sunday 2/24 7:00 PM Memphis premiere of Transfigurations--Transgressing Gender in the Bible, at Holy Trinity Community Church (685 S Highland Street)

Watch the informative and stylish video ad created by Daniel Gonzales.

If you can join us for any or all of the Memphis events, please do. If you can't, please keep us in your thoughts that the weekend will be exactly what it needs to be for all involved.

Call to Artists!

2008-01-29T21:47:00.001-07:00

Beyond Ex-Gay (bXg) and the Memphis Gay and Lesbian Community Center will host an art show with works by those whose lives have been negatively affected by the ex-gay movement. This could include former ex-gays, as well as spouses, children, parents, and friends of former ex-gays.

In the summer of 2007, at the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference in Irvine, Beyondexgay.com organized a similar art show that helped to communicate how for many of us ex-gay experiences caused more harm than good. Beyondexgay.com also features art by ex-gay survivors at its online gallery.

Submissions of all types of visual art are welcome including drawings, painting, collage, mixed media, photography, or multimedia. Please send photos of your work, along with dimensions, a brief statement about the work, and any other information by February 13th, 2008 to bxg (at) beyondexgay.com

We cannot guarantee that we will feature your artwork, but our panel will review your submission and contact you with further details.

Reason and art

2007-12-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

(click to enlarge) ©2007. Christine Bakke.

If you're anything like me and find that art speaks to you on a level that words perhaps don't touch, check out some of the new art at Beyond Ex-Gay. We have photography by Gregg Moreland (who showed his work at the first ever Ex-Gay Survivor Art Show in Irvine this summer), as well as art by Michael Goll and David Christie, two other ex-gay survivors.

If you're an ex-gay survivor and artist, please shoot me an email at bxg [at] beyondexgay.com as we're organizing an upcoming art show and would love to consider your work for inclusion.

Remember Pearl Harbor

2007-12-07T20:25:00.001-07:00

Today is Pearl Harbor Day. While I do not want to minimize in any way the pain and suffering experienced in our nation on this day in 1941, I wanted to post this art I created a while back called "Remember Pearl Harbor." I thought today might be an appropriate day to post it. A part of my story intersects with this day and while I don't feel comfortable sharing all of the background, certain actions of mine in the past have been compared to the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Hence, my emotional connection to this day, and the art that came from this.

Here are some other views. Click on any image to get a larger view.

Heaven and hell on I-35

2007-12-01T02:59:00.000-07:00

Turns out I somehow missed yet another opportunity to get cured of my homosexuality (you'd think with all the effort, prayers, money, sweat, blood and tears I've put into this that it wouldn't be quite so elusive when others just walk right into their healing). Apparently I-35 (the highway that runs vertically through the center of the U.S.) has turned into something of a spiritual war zone. Groups of Christians have declared Purity Sieges along various sections of I-35. The "sieges" consist of youth “siege”[ing] sites of impurity in their city, by doing on-location prayer. They will be protesting the machinations of evil, such as pornography, injustice, abortion, and other strongholds. They will stand outside of spiritual strongholds and visually demonstrate their opposition thereof, while doing warfare in heavenly realm." Gay bars, not surprisingly, also are considered sites of impurity.

Anyway, this piqued my interest not only because I traveled over parts of I-35 while on Thanksgiving holiday, but also because CBN (Pat Robertson's "News" show) has a report of a homosexual being set free from his homosexuality.

I found this account online:

One of the most astounding encounters of the evening was that of James, a 19 year-old homosexual atheist, who called the police in an effort to stop the Siege. One of the men from the Siege struck up a conversation with him, and James stated that he had never accepted Christ nor felt the power of God. The young man told James he was about to experience something that would change his life, and that is exactly what happened. James was one of many who fell under the power of the Holy Spirit that night.

He then accepted Christ as his Savior, and was filled with the Holy Spirit and spoke in tongues. We serve a miraculous God!

Immediately, James packed his Jeep and moved in with five students who attend Heartland School of Ministry, a Bible college in Irving, TX. He left his family, his partner, everything he knew, and everything that identified him with his past. His plan is to attend Heartland School of Ministry. In an interview, James said, “I am willing to talk to any homosexual, drug addict or sex addict because I know what hell feels like, but now I know what heaven feels like and it is so much better.” [emphasis mine]

It made me so sad to read parts of that. I mean, I'm happy that he feels like he's in a better place. But in the interview he gave for the CBN piece, he talks casually about being headed to meet his fiance (when he had his God encounter), but he doesn't mention anything about that situation now.

These left behind ones many times end up also being ex-gay survivors. All I'll say about James' story is that so many of us have had huge emotional rides where we rode a wave of enthusiasm and thought we'd gotten "the cure" only to end up flat on our faces several weeks or months down the road (it's been less than three months for him since this encounter). But what about the fiance? What about the family?

I saw this all the time in ex-gay groups, and have now heard about it many times over from the ex-gay survivors I've come into contact with. People who had just cut everyone off. People who came in and got a lot of support and attention because they'd made the sacrifice to "leave it all behind" (I know I got some of that for my drastic decision to move four states away and cut off contact with 99% of the people I knew). But rarely are we encouraged to think about (or take responsibility) to what we do to loved ones, former partners, etc.

The other thing that struck a strong chord with me was the quote that he "knows what hell feels like." He may have known what hell feels like, but many people, when they have a chance to really sort it all out, find that it usually doesn't have anything to actually do with being gay. Many have issues with drugs and sexual addiction, and these are definitely valid issues that needed to be addressed. But those aren't the same as being gay. Being gay does not equal knowing hell. I've known lots of pieces of hell in my life, and in the end, most of it has had little to do directly with being gay in and of itself, but much to do with the messages I received from society, family, and church, poor decisions I made in my life, reactions to bad situations, and so on. I also have known and know bits of heaven, and they have to do with lots of things most often unrelated to my sexuality or my spiritual identity. I treasure those things, but they don't depend on whether I am gay or not (or identify as such).

I do wish James the best. Truly I do. But I also wish the best to his former fiance and his family, who might be feeling a bit of what hell feels like right now. May they find a bit of heaven again soon. And may they not have to leave themselves (or anyone else) behind on I-35 to get there.

Untitled (on a chilly thursday evening)

2007-11-15T19:27:00.000-07:00

So, as usual these days, it's been a while. I'm not even bothering to apologize anymore. How are you all out there in blog-land? Thank for all the encouraging and supportive comments on my last blog entry. For those who knew that I lost my cell phone a couple of months ago, I finally have a new one. Please e-mail me your digits, eh?

Here's some media updates....

Brian Murphy finished a 15 minute video of our Ex-Gay Survivor Conference at the end of June 2007. Check it out.

You can click the link here, or click above.

If you have a short attention span, or the 15 minute film won't load, or heaven-forbid (::shudder::) you have dial-up, there's a 3 minute version as well.

Direct link

Peterson and I were interviewed the other night in a very nice, relaxing 2-hour interview on the "Strictly Confidential" radio show. Peterson talks more about that interview in a recent post. You can hear the whole thing here. It starts out with some new stuff, but then we get on there within a few minutes. About a two-fifths of the way in, Peterson does some of his characters from the Homo No Mo Halfway house.

OK, I think that takes care of the recent media stuff.

I have tons of stuff I want to say, but still am not in a "words" mode I guess.

Here's some digital art I did the other day. (You can click to enlarge.)

the end for now.

In Mesh

2007-10-21T20:23:00.000-06:00

It's probably not surprising that I've been somewhat burnt out on ex- or ex-ex-gay stuff. So I've been a little distant from bXg and ex-ex-gay blogger friends. At the same time, I've been creating a lot of art. Peterson told me that perhaps I have things to express that don't have words. I'd have to agree. Still, I always attempt words, anyway.

A few days ago, Peterson posted maybe one of the most important blog posts I've seen in quite a long time. Called "Ex-Gay Harm--Let Me Count the Ways" it begins to catalog some of the harm that many of us have experienced from our ex-gay time. From relationship harm to financial harm, for some of us, the toll has been great. There have also been wonderful comments as people add their own stories and lists. It is turning into a powerful witness and catalog of experiences.

I recently posted my own comments, which I will copy and paste here, following a recent piece of art (click for larger image):

I have avoided reading this post and the comments here for a few days, because I was afraid of getting close to some still-fragile places.

While I have worked through a lot of the grief of what I lost, and the damaging messages I received and believed, it still hits like a ton of bricks to read this post and these comments.

I have finally starting creating art again, after eight years of creative slumber, a casualty of shutting off so much of myself. My art right now is still very much about my ex-gay time and the hopes, dreams, desires, and great loss.

The biggest problem I still face is fear of close relationships with others - especially women. Fear of "emotional dependency" or "enmeshment." Fear of needing someone. Fear of...I don't know. Just fear, and now just a consistent inability to wholly participate in friendships with others.

I know that it's not true - that while some relationships can be unhealthy, most are not. And closeness and yes, even at times emotional dependency should not be demonized. There are times when we all need others, and to be shamed for relationships that we had while ex-gay, those that others deemed unhealthy; relationships that may have been getting us through some of the tougher moments in our ex-gay process...it is a great harm and a great disservice to us at a time when we were the most vulnerable, and the most laid bare, needing others around us.

I am 36 years old and beginning a new life. I am still trying to put some pieces together, and still trying to figure out relationships. Still trying to untie myself when it comes to closeness with others; needing others; being able to receive from others.

I have lost much, and I could talk about how much I have now gained, and all these things (many real) that we do to convince ourselves that "all things work together for good." I know that I now live with great authenticity, and that I have the strength to use my story to help others. But tonight, in the aftermath, it hurts, and I'm feeling it.

Intercommunion

2007-09-30T21:53:00.001-06:00

Seen on E-bay:

Which reminds me, I haven't checked out Engrish.com (and the Engrish.com store) lately.

I'll be back to some serious blogging soon, for those of you into that sort of thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Some of my best friends are into serious blogging.

Je m’habillais comme une bimbo

2007-09-25T20:59:00.000-06:00

I dressed like a bimbo.

Yes, yes I did, for a while there, my senior year in high school. Sometimes. It's hard to dress like a bimbo in a Jack in the Box uniform.

This tidbit about me comes from the French version of Glamour magazine - their September issue. It was re-written in first person, so I talked to them for a while on the phone, reviewed a draft (had a friend translate it roughly from the French) and that was that. "I dressed like a bimbo." Not exactly how I would have put it, but never mind. Take note: I would love that on my grave stone.

Anyway, I'm alive. Yes, I am. I know it's been 85,000 years since I've updated my blog, or responded to e-mails. I've been exhausted, and just trying to recuperate and put my life back together after the last few months (6 months, I guess) of craziness. I needed to get back working again, as it turns out that activism doesn't pay. Who knew?

So I've been trying to have a regular life again, and I'm picking up any work I can take. It looks like I'm giving up some of my wild, freelancing ways though, because I took a job three days a week at an agency. But that's boring stuff. You don't want to read about my work.

I did go on a spectacular camping trip a few weeks back. My friends rented some kayaks and took me along with them to a little island off of a lake in Wyoming. Oddly enough, it's actually the first time I've been to Wyoming since I moved here in 98. It's only about two hours up the road.

I've never camped at a place where I had to ferry my gear over in a kayak. Tons of fun, wonderful weather, good conversation and friends. I also got to do something I've always wanted to do, but never felt safe enough doing. I camped by myself.

My friends had to leave on Sunday, and I didn't have to leave until Monday. So they left me and my kayak on the little island. I figured I would hear anyone coming, and really, who would want to? It was kind of in the middle of nowhere (in fact, the nearest town was 20 minutes away, with a population of 15). And not so easy to get to.

It was an amazing experience. The quiet. The moon. At one point, I was out kayaking when the moon was coming up in the sky. A beaver decided he needed to check me out, and kept swimming around my kayak, at times being only about four feet away, until I would do something crazy and threatening, like breathe, and he would slap his tail, go underwater and appear again in a totally different location. We played hide and seek for a while, with the moon rising on a piece of lake and land inhabited by no human but me.

Thanks to everyone who has e-mailed me, or commented on my last blog entry. I promise not to be gone so long in the future. I'll be back again soon.

Fortunately

2007-08-09T22:27:00.000-06:00

I think I am done with my traveling for a while (I hope anyway). My cats hope so, too. They miss me. I honestly don't know how Peterson does all the travel he does. Just a couple of trips through an airport in a month about does me in.

So I'm back from a recent trip to Kentucky and Tennessee. I did have a couple of days in there when I was able to get some much needed rest.

These last few months have been really busy and filled with a lot of wonderful things, and some incredibly stressful times as well. I remember this book I wrote when I was in the third grade. It started out "Fortunately, I..." and then the next line would be "Unfortunately,..." and they would alternate back and forth like that.

Fortunately, I got to see my cousins. Unfortunately, my cousin had oral surgery the day I arrived so was in pain most of the time. Fortunately, we're all pretty low-key folks and just go with the flow. Unfortunately, I messed up the back bumper of my rental car. (The second rental car I've damaged in the last five weeks. My insurance agent asked me to stop playing bumper cars.) Fortunately, I got to see some GCN friends. Unfortunately, I had a lot of problems with air travel and delayed flights and missed connections. Fortunately, I got to swim in the lake behind my cousin's house. Unfortunately, a rock dislodged while I was climbing down to the lake and I fell a few feet into a pile of huge rubble, and got bruised and scraped up. Fortunately, I was still able to swim across the lake and back.

Fortunately, I got to meet Disputed Mutability in person after talking to her online since 2003 (she's great). Fortunately, I had time to read two books. Fortunately, I got to caravan with Jamie from Soulforce (we had to drive from Lexington to Nashville), and share a hotel room with him. Fortunately, I got to spend a bit more time with Darlene Bogle. Fortunately, we held a press conference at the Baptist Convention headquarters that went well. Fortunately, my cousin's kids are a lot of fun to be around. Fortunately, I have friends who really care. Fortunately, I have more fortunate things in my life than unfortunate.

That's my last two weeks in a nutshell. Fortunate indeed.

The cat/dog kinsey scale

2007-07-22T13:14:00.000-06:00

On my previous post, Kellie commented

I hear you sister! Do you identify as a cat lover? I myself am bi-animal- 2 cats, 4 dogs. You have some beautiful babies!

My response:

Yes, I do identify as a cat lover, although I've not always been able to admit it so readily in such a public forum.

On a dog-cat Kinsey scale (O=cat and 6=dog), I am probably a 2 (the reverse of you). Now, it should be noted that I had a very horrible experience with a dog as a young child, and so in this instance it may have been nurture over nature.

However, since identifying as being a cat vs. dog lover in this society is seen as morally neutral, I've not had therapy for this or spent a lot of time trying to change. I just have my kitties and we're a family. The dog owners of this country have so far not felt threatened in their dog ownership just because I have two cats.

Thankfully there have also been no legislative attempts thus far to deny me cat ownership just because it's possible I could change with enough prayer, faith, and therapy.

On a lighter note

2007-07-21T13:21:00.000-06:00

I'm taking a break from all things ex- or ex-ex-gay today!
(oh, and I finally found my card reader so I could upload pics from my camera).

This is my Sophie girl who decided that the walk upstairs to the water bowl was apparently just too much to ask of her. (And once she did this, it became her water; mine no longer. Just in case you were wondering. I love my babies, but not that much!)

Here's what happens when you leave bird seed sitting outside. This industrious squirrel managed to make a large hole in order to climb in and eat. It was like TV for the cats...I don't think they left the window for hours.

It really is such hard work keeping up with the squirrel population.

This was a bit of my flower garden in early spring. Our heavy snowfall and wet spring gave me the most gorgeous columbines I've had since I planted these native flowers.

These pictures have been brought to you by the committee for a fair and balanced life.

When hate wears boots

2007-07-17T20:01:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with a friend who was violently gay bashed this weekend. It hurt and scared me to hear some of the details, but the short story is that he was hanging out with some friends, having a quiet conversation at a bar. Apparently they mentioned being gay in the course of their conversation, and three men starting yelling that they were fags. The men got thrown out, but when my friend went outside the door a bit later, he was attacked.

He was on the ground, being kicked in the sides, while one of the men had their boot on his head, which was pressed into the sidewalk. Thankfully it appears they just wanted to scare him (into what? being straight? not leaving his house? butching up?) and weren't seeking seriously bodily injury. At least, this is what the police said when he reported the hate crime.

I wrote in a recent post: "When people think that we can choose our orientation, or we can "overcome" it and be healed (as in, made straight), they are less likely to be tolerant and loving and much more likely to be lacking in both respect and grace. Some even seem to be more likely to resort to violence. In their mind, if you don't like abuse, then you should just change."

This is the danger that I see in Exodus and others not being clear about what "change" really means. This is why I think Dr. Dobson's rhetoric about gays is so harmful, even beyond the obvious of how we hurt when we hear some of his words.

I've never been gay-bashed, thankfully, but I have experienced some mild discrimination and verbal abuse. It's ranged from being totally ignored at restaurants (to the point that other patrons notice it and sometimes say something), to outright harrassment.

I've had the stares and rude comments, and while in Santa Cruz I'd been yelled at by people driving past me (the word "dyke" was used, so I don't think they were taking issue with my driving). I spent a tense evening in a restaurant one night where my friend and I were under close observation by a table of young men. Apparently we were the subject of a lot of conversation and hilarity, but also some threatening looks. I remember trembling as I left the restaurant and ran to my truck, locking the door almost before it was closed. Another night, a friend and I were walking hand in hand downtown in Denver. We were surprised by a group of thuggish-looking young men who had suddenly turned the corner. They gave us hostile, silent looks as they split apart so we could walk between them. I think it took a while for my heart rate to return to normal. Of course, we dropped hands immediately and walked briskly to a secure location.

When I was ex-gay, I remember driving home from a counseling session one night. I flipped on the radio to the Christian station, and heard Dr. Dobson's daily radio address. He was on with John Paulk (who was still in good graces) and he was discussing gay issues (or rather, railing against homosexual activists who were trying to twist the law to get special rights). Dobson started a rant about hate crime legislation not being needed, but being part of a larger gay agenda that was trying to push our lifestyle on the general public. He said gay activists (wow, guess that would be me now?) made more of it than was really there, and in fact, during some period of time (this was 8 years ago, so I don't quite recollect) there had only been three deaths because of gay bashing.

I was thankful to hear John Paulk finally step in and say something like, "of course, three deaths is three too many." To which Dobson responded by mumbling, "oh, um, of course" and continuing on. Listening (in mounting anger) to this program, I got the distinct impression that John Paulk was being cowed into silence and was there merely to lend some legitimacy to the issue. I don't know if this is true, but it's what I remember thinking at the time. On the other hand, I had a bit of a love affair with the Paulks then, since their book and story were so important to me, so who knows.

Anyyywaay....

Even though I was ex-gay in identity (not in orientation), I was so incensed at that radio show and at Dr. Dobson. Even though I was actively working to change my orientation, I still felt gay and looked gay, and I knew I could be discriminated against just as easily as someone who was not ex-gay. Even though I knew no one in my church would agree with me, I thought that sexual orientation should be included in hate crime legislation. Especially since it is not chosen, whereas even religion is something one can choose. I had come from Santa Cruz where we had anti-discrimination laws for employment and housing, and had moved to Colorado where I could be fired for being gay (and in fact, this was a concern for me in the truck parts place I worked. I did everything I could to be seen as straight there, short of running around singing, "I'm straight! I'm straight! Straight is what I am! Yippeeeee!")

Back to my friend.

The physical damage is scrapes and bruises, but the emotional and psychological damage is usually worse than anything that can happen to our bodies. Even for me, I felt horror when hearing his story, and a sense of terror that still lingers. I have been fighting off tears for him. He's someone I care about deeply. Someone I connected with in Orlando during a conference and have seen several times since, even though we live in different states. He's someone who cared enough about me and the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference to make the trek to the conference although he is not a survivor of any formal kind of ex-gay experiences.

A hate crime bill is going to be voted on soon by the Senate. Although there are differences of opinion about it even in gay circles, I am inclined to think it is needed. Jim Burroway of Box Turtle Bulletin has put together a lot more information about hate crime legislation. If you are opposed to such legislation, will you do me a favor and at least read his post? If you are ex-gay, I want you to know it is really OK for you to support hate crime legislation, even if you are in the minority in your circles. At least give a thought to your former (or current) friends who still identify as gay. I talked to an ex-gay friend a while back who said that he faces discrimination all the time because he comes across as gay. Nobody checks your identity card when they bash ("oh, you're ex-gay? Well, never mind then!")

A little-known fact: hate crime legislation does not just cover gays, or other minority groups. The FBI’s own hate crime statistics count 935 anti-White, 58 anti-Protestant, and 23 anti-heterosexual hate crime incidents in 2005 (thanks to Jim Burroway for those stats). Those are hate crimes just as much as what happened to my friend this weekend.

I am not sure what else to say. I'm so full of emotion right now. Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers (he also lost his job on Monday, although not because he was gay, and then yesterday a member of his furry family died - is it true that trouble comes in threes?)

Just hold him in your heart if you can. Thanks.

P.S. FYI I asked him if I could post about this, without giving his identity. I don't want to turn people in poster children for any cause, but I really wanted to blog about this because it affected me so deeply this evening. He gave me his permission.

Speaking of Tennessee

2007-07-13T23:33:00.001-06:00

[Update: This conference has been moved to October 19 & 20, 2007]

No, I was, really, in the previous post!

The God and Gays Conference will also be in Tennessee just two weeks after the Love In Action Survivor's Initiative event (wow, that state gets around!)

#1 reason you should go: I'll be there, and co-leading a workshop with Darlene Bogle, she of the apology to those who have been harmed by our time in the ex-gay movement.

But really, it'd be a cool conference whether I was there or not. The speaker and workshop leader lineup is pretty amazing:

• Bishop John Shelby Spong: Ally champion, Episcopalian Bishop, author
• Rev. Dr. Mel White: Soulforce co-founder, author, rock star of reconciliation
• Peggy Campolo: Christian advocate for GLBTQ people
• Rev. Deborah L. Johnson: Mentored by Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith, author
• Darlene Bogle: ex-Exodus leader and author
• Mary Lou Wallner: Founder of T.E.A.C.H. Ministry, author, mother

And that's not a complete list of folks who will be there.

It's in Nashville, August 3rd-4th, and there's also going to be entertainment, comedy, etc. Register now, and let me know if I'll see you there!

(And I have no idea what this horse has in common with the conference, except maybe you should put on your rainbow shoes and join us)

The Survivor's Initiative

2007-07-13T23:08:00.000-06:00

Sponsored by Soulforce, survivors are starting to tell their mostly unheard narratives.

Check out the Box Turtle Bulletin for news on a press conference at NARTH on July 2, 2007 (video here and here).

Peterson, Dan Gonzales and I visited New Life Church in Colorado Springs Sunday, July 8, 2007 for a press conference (video here and here). Peterson explains the survivor's intiative.

Barbara and Lester Leavitt spent July 10th in Salt Lake City, sharing their story at the office of Evergreen, the Mormon ex-gay ministry (Local Fox station video available).

A press conference at Love In Action in Memphis, TN is scheduled for Tuesday, July 17th at 10:30 am.

I've been pretty slow with the blogging lately so in the meantime, Peterson is usually blogging like mad and linking to all the cool photos and videos.

God's grace and Alan Chambers next door

2007-07-07T01:10:00.000-06:00

Note: the title is playing off of Alan Chamber's book "God's Grace and the Homosexual Next Door."

I'm still a bit tender from all that went on at our conference, and I'm feeling kinda "mama bear"ish about our attendees, our family. I'm tired of people enduring the heaping on of shame around this issue and I feel very protective.

Some of you may know that Alan Chambers has been quite active lately online, and many of his comments have been snarky, dismissive, and attacking.

When Alan Chambers tells Darlene, Jeremy, and Michael (the three former leaders that issued the apology) to "Move on," and calls their apologies "hollow and self-serving" it's hurtful, and it's hard not to feel that, on behalf of the three courageous former leaders, and on behalf of regular former ex-gays who attended the conference. I don't want those who are in a fragile place to feel, yet again, like Exodus doesn't care what happens to them when they leave the programs. And that if they tell their stories, they will be dismissed and put down. I don't think we need any more messages that our stories are not worth listening to.

I saw that Alan just left a comment on Shawn O'Donnell's blog and stated, "Harm? Come on, Shawn. No one is being harmed by Exodus offering people a choice. You KNOW better."

It seems like another one of his word games (like the one about the word "change"). Some of us who are telling our stories are saying that more harm than good came from our ex-gay experiences (most of which involved Exodus-affiliated ministries). The "offer" of a choice (whatever that really means) is different from the actual methodologies, ideas, and practices which Exodus ministries use. All of us telling our stories have detailed specific ideas, beliefs, and actions that caused us harm.

Now, about the "choice" issue. What choice are they offering?

Is it the choice between being kicked out of your church, or being loved as "the struggler?"

Is it the choice between a relationships with parents who believe we can and should pursue change because others claim to have done it, or living a life being true to yourself but without a good relationship with family?

Is it the choice between which state to live in because Exodus has politically backed anti-marriage equality amendments that could negatively affect your children or yourself?

Is it the choice that many women have to make whether they will stay in a marriage with a man who is not able to love them well, or whether they will leave and break up a family?

Is it the choice of having to believe that you are broken and inferior, or the choice of finding your own wholeness in a world that is all too ready to believe what they are told about gay people?

Exodus is not a benign organization that is merely saying, "Hey folks, you have a choice!" (And I notice that they don't specify that the choice is having a homosexual orientation and living your life versus having a homosexual orientation but attempting to sublimate your desires and ward off homosexual drives and impulses for the rest of your life.) Those ideas always come much later into the discussion.

In addition to proclaiming that there is a choice, they also testify before lawmakers that gays should not have equal rights under the law because "change is possible."

They have an association of ministries with virtually no oversight, who are all employing different methods for promoting change, some much more harmful than others.

They make vague statements that are cleverly coined to mislead. They are not unaware that when they say "change is possible" that most folks will believe they mean we can choose not to be gay, or that we can change our orientation. If you dig a little deeper (which many don't) we find that they mean a change in behavior, but not necessarily orientation (and only that is being recently acknowledged).

When people think that we can choose our orientation, or we can "overcome" it and be healed (as in, made straight), they are less likely to be tolerant and loving and much more likely to be lacking in both respect and grace. Some even seem to be more likely to resort to violence. In their mind, if you don't like abuse, then you should just change.

They highlight ex-gays with families and children, when the majority of ex-gays seem to remain celibate.

They participated in a Love Won Out event (Seattle) that was scheduled at the same time as a local pride event. Then we are told that they would "never" do anything like that, and find it offensive that we held our conference at the same time and location.

This list could go on, but clearly this post is long enough.

So what does all of this have to do with the title of my post? I am one of Alan Chamber's cyber neighbors. And he certainly seems to lack grace for all of the homosexuals next door to him in in the online world. While he is attempting to be more truthful (witness his recent honesty about most people not actually being ex-gay), it is only just a start.

And if Alan and Exodus really cared about people who have gone through their ministries and left (which they estimate — on what statistics we don't know — is 70% of folks), Alan would not be saying these hurtful things online. He would not tell people to just "move on." He would not call their apologies a game, and mock the significance of this for many people who have experienced harm and damage. He would not try to dismiss the legitimate concerns that many people have, while issuing statements to the press that they are seeking dialogue.

I wish he could have heard some of what went on at the conference. I wish he could have heard that we don't wish to bash them, and that the folks at the Exodus conference are our brothers and sisters. I would love for him to have heard that we know and acknowledge that Exodus and other ministry leaders have wanted to do good, and not cause harm. I wish he could have seen the chalk talk, when many of us wrote good things that came out of our experience, but acknowledged the bad things as well (and sadly, they outweighed the good by far for most people). I wish he could have met the people whose lives have been devastated. I wish he could have met people whose marriages were destroyed. I wish he could have met all of us who became suicidal, or attempted suicide because of our feelings of shame and inadequacy when we could not live up to the promise of change.

I am trying very hard to find my own grace for Alan Chambers, my neighbor, and I hope he can find it in his heart to live out the title of his book.

From pain and destruction grows new life

2007-07-05T07:44:00.000-06:00

Peterson has posted about the "Chalk Talk" that began the first session of "The Ex-Gay Survivor Conference." He explains,

"As we gathered in front of that large sheet of paper with the two trails of paper on the ground, we settled into what felt to be a hushed sacred silence. So much pain, so many memories stirred up and appeared on the page. Bit by bit we built this wall, which some said felt like a memorial. Our prompt "Ex-Gay Experiences—The Good/Harm" drew out responses including drawings. Many people claimed the good they received from their ex-gay experiences as well as listing the deep deep harm they experienced."

Some writing from the wall:
"I believed I was cut off from God's love"
"My family can only love the mask they give me to wear"
"If it hadn't been for the music and hymns, my God would have died"
"I could finally talk about being gay and Christian for the first time"
"John got so depressed that he ran his car into a tree"
"Hard to get rid of the sense of being broken"
"20 years wasted"
"I opened up for the first time"
"Ending friendships to go...when it didn't work...having my church "family" disown and reject me"
"My best friend (my ex-wife) is single at the age of 48."
"My parents felt like failures"
"It left me with this wound separating my faith and my sexuality"
"Lost/sorry/afraid"
"Dale 1954-2000"
"I can survive anything"
"I thought I was changing; in reality I walled away my sexuality"
"Learned to deal with family issues"
"I was 16 when my small group leader molested me"
"Blaming my parents, I legally changed my name"
"Randy 1963-1980 sorry"
"Shame"
"I made some really great friends through my experience"
"My Dad didn't make me gay, he made me REAL. I love you Dad. Rest peacefully"
"Exchanged the truth about myself for a lie"
"I've come to hate religion"
"Ultimatum received: be ex-gay or go away"

So what happened to our wall of grief, pain, remembrance, memories, thoughts and feelings? Watch the following video where we turn the pain and suffering into fodder for new growth.

(p.s., the woman in the blue shirt who speaks in the video is Pat Walsh, Former Director of the UC Irvine LGBT resource center)

Apology Accepted

2007-06-27T17:46:00.000-06:00

As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth we spoke on behalf of Exodus and other organizations.

We call on other former ex-gay leaders to join the healing and reconciliation process by adding their names to this apology.

We encourage current leaders of ex-gay programs to have the courage to evaluate the fruit of their programs. We ask them to consider the long-term effects of their ministry.
— Darlene Bogle
— Michael Bussee
— Jeremy Marks

Today I witnessed and accepted this unprecedented apology from three former ex-gay leaders.

Darlene Bogle was the founder and director of Paraklete Ministries, an Exodus referral in Hayward California. She was also the assisting pastor of the Foursquare church where the ministry was based. As an Exodus leader, she traveled the country, speaking and appearing on many national television shows.

Michael Bussee was one of the originators of the ex-gay movement. In the mid-1970s, he co-founded the Ex-gay Intervention Team (EXIT) and later hosted an unprecedented conference of ex-gay ministries at which a handful of ministry leaders, along with approximately 60 delegates, voted to form a loose coalition called EXODUS.

Jeremy Marks is a British evangelical Christian who founded an ex-gay ministry called Courage UK in 1988. He eventually became the President of Exodus International Europe and served on the board of Exodus International.

All three of them are now living out and proud, and all have concluded that while they always had the best interests of those who struggled with unwanted homosexuality at heart, they have never personally witnessed anyone change their orientation. Jeremy Marks took steps to transform his change ministry into one of support and love for GLBT Christians.

Today they made history by gathering in Los Angeles at the GLBT center for a press conference where they issued the above statement after telling their stories. It’s the first time that former leaders have publicly come together to apologize for their part in the ex-gay movement.

Peterson, Eric, Dan Gonzales and I received and accepted the apology on behalf of former ex-gays who feel that their ex-gay experiences caused more harm then good. As we stood next to the former leaders, we witnessed them each sign the apology. They turned and presented it to our group, and we accepted the letter.

What I didn’t count on was the emotion I felt when I reached out to accept the letter. Sometimes these kind of symbolic gestures can feel staged, but it made an emotional impact on me and I felt myself tearing up as we shook hands and hugged Darlene, Michael and Jeremy. It was moving and healing to hear an apology for the harm and damaging messages that I received. I hope the healing will continue as other former ex-gays read this apology. My hope is also that other former ex-gay leaders will start to step forward as well. Thank you, Darlene, Michael, and Jeremy.

Exodus dinner invitation Q&A

2007-06-24T22:46:00.001-06:00

Since I spent a bit of time answering some questions on Warren Throckmorton's blog about our dinner invitation to Exodus, I thought I'd post them here as well.

Eddy writes,

I have trouble with this meeting for several reasons.

1) I find it in bad taste, to say the least, to invite someone to an event when you already know they have a prior committment. (Friday dinner and evening meeting are usually important parts of Exodus conference schedule.)

2) If ‘no press’, ‘no cameras’ at this newsworthy and well-hyped event, just how will we find out what transpired? Any reports on this event are doomed to be slanted–whether by Beyond Ex-Gay or by someone from Exodus who attends.

3) How many delegates (including some of rank) would it take for Beyond Ex-Gay to feel (and report) that they’d ‘been heard’?
4) From the invite, it doesn’t sound like a dialogue forum. Sounds like “you sit there while we tell you how you hurt us”. That could make the dinner difficult to digest.

Under the circumstances, I’d be suprised if ANYONE from Exodus opted for this evening’s festivities over their own.

My response is as follows:

Hi Eddy. Perhaps I can attempt to answer some of your questions.

1. I checked with two Exodus folks and their conference schedule, to make sure there were no leadership meetings that were scheduled that night (of course, we weren’t able to ask Alan or Randy about the details of their schedules, but we did take care to try to confirm that there wasn’t any kind of special event or Ex-Gay Leader meetings planned). But of course we are not privy to any “off the record” events. In addition, since our conference is only over the weekend, we are not able to meet earlier in the week. We had no desire to plan something when the leaders can not attend.

2. Both Peterson and I have private conversations with a few folks involved in Exodus at different levels, and we don’t talk about these discussions publicly. Because of that, we have all (both sides) been able to discuss our lives and many of these matters in a respectful way. Our goal is not to make this “an event”, but to just tell our stories, so they can hear what they often miss by not conducting any aftercare or follow-up on participants.

3. We have conceived this dinner with the thought that we would like to share some of our stories, because they are so seldom heard by the ex-gay crowd, but it is not about us getting an emotional or psychological need met. If there are only a few people who attend, we would still like to have the dinner. It is not about the numbers, but about being seen as real people too, and not just “protesters,” and perhaps we will make some small difference. Even Alan is now becoming public with his thoughts on what change really means, and that is definitely a step in the right direction. We are wanting honesty and some thought about certain practices or prevailing theories, so as not to cause harm to the (by Exodus’ calculations) 70% of individuals who do not succeed to consider themselves or their behavior as ex-gay.

4. I think it will not be an easy thing for leaders to go to this dinner. I don’t imagine them saying “oh goody, this sounds like fun!” I instead imagine they are not looking for a good time in attending. In our letter we state that we believe they intended to do us good, and we acknowledge that they wanted to help. Peterson and I have also been clear about the fact that some good has come out of our experiences, even though we feel on the whole that we experienced more harm than good.

I think it will be a fruitful experience, and I hope that one of my friends will be in attendance. He’s someone I care about and we have a good relationship in spite of being on different sides on this issue. With that in mind, I do not wish for this to be a dinner that will bash folks or have an angry feel. While we have legitimate hurt and concern, I would not want to treat any leader differently than I treat my ex-gay friend. I think if folks spend even a little bit of time on our site they can see the specific tone that Peterson and I have set, and it is not one of projecting (contrary to what Randy Thomas has asserted), bashing, or denigrating ex-gays. While you are worried about potential “slants” on the issue, I think that there are many who are reading into our letter a lot that is not there.

I hope this helps answer some questions.

For those who have questioned our releasing the invitation publicly, here is a response I recently sent to someone:
One of the reasons we went public with the invitation (and we did have much discussion about this) is because we feared the information would not be passed along to the leaders invited (we do not have contact information for many of the leaders, and would have had to rely solely on Exodus for forwarding the information on). We wanted to try to get the invitation into the hands of the individual leaders. And, as you can see from the recent Focus on the Family Citizenlink article, they are already trying to discount our conference by calling it a protest, and Randy Thomas has publicly stated that we are denying people hope, and trying to project our experiences onto them, which is not the case. This has been the unfortunate history of some of these communications as they get presented in a slanted manner, and we were hoping that by open access to the letter folks would see for themselves our hearts and hear the tone we are trying to set without having to rely on someone else's interpretation.

Up-to-the-minute conference news

2007-06-23T00:22:00.000-06:00

Quick Newsflash: We are continually updating our conference information and news page. Everything you wanted to know, and then some, including media coverage and blogtalk.

And it's your lucky day, because below you'll find a real post from me, with no pictures of half-naked straight men!

Projecting, hmmm?

2007-06-22T23:07:00.000-06:00

I'm interrupting my regularly scheduled non-blogging programming to post about a Focus on the Family article that addresses the Exodus Conference and our conference.

Focus' editorial precedes Randy Thomas' statement below:

Just a mile down the road, gay activists, co-sponsored by the University of California - Irvine, have scheduled a counter-conference at which some people will claim they were hurt by ex-gay organizations.

Thomas said the message of that counter-conference denies people hope.

"We live in a great country where people can have freedom of assembly," he said. Unfortunately, the organizers of the counter-conference will "try to project their experience onto all of us, when in fact thousands of people, myself included, have overcome homosexuality." [emphasis mine]

I think it's interesting the perspective that our personal stories deny people hope. Beside the fact that we cannot control anyone's feelings, I think our message is one of hope for many people who are despairing and suicidal because of having "failed" at an ex-gay life.

Our message that there is healing and wholeness for those who have felt alienated from their faith, from God, and from family because of a lack of change in orientation is a message of hope. We're saying that those who have suffered because of their ex-gay experiences are not alone, and a wonderful life and healthy relationships can be theirs, in contradiction to what many of us have heard from Focus on the Family and Exodus.

The kicker, though, is the statement that we are trying to project our experiences onto ex-gays. This coming from a group of people who have consistently projected their experiences of drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and abuse histories onto the gay community at large. This coming from an organization that has time and time again mischaracterized and slandered a whole segment of the population.

It also shows that Randy has not taken the time to familiarize himself with the beyondexgay.com website, where we say (on the front page, no less),

We believe that ex-gay experiences cause more harm than good. Certain people who currently identify as ex-gay say they are content as such. We don’t seek to invalidate their experience. For us such a lifestyle was not possible or healthy.

Not that it was all bad: Some of us received positive help through our ex-gay experiences. We grew to understand our sexuality better and in some cases even overcame life-controlling problems.

But for most of us, these experiences brought us inner turmoil, confusion, and shame. We are still in a process of recovery from the damage. Through sharing our stories with each other, we find wholeness and healing.

I'm pretty certain that the use of "us" makes it fairly clear that we are talking about...well...us.

While Exodus and Focus on the Family like to assert that the gay lifestyle is filled with hopelessness, despair, addiction, dependency and made up entirely of people who have all experienced sexual trauma, we are merely telling our stories. Peterson and I have been careful not to make blanket statements about ex-gays. I even get into hot water sometimes because I refuse to say that it is "impossible" for someone to experience a shift in orientation.

This seems to be a pretty clear-cut case for the introduction of a certain pot to the kettle.

Open Letter to Exodus

2007-06-20T09:44:00.000-06:00

The upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference is pulling together, and is now only a week and a half away. As most of you probably know, our conference is happening in the same city and at the same time as the "Exodus Freedom Conference."

As the media are getting wind of this, they are interested in the idea of whether change is possible. The Orange County Register says, "Dueling conferences this month in Irvine explore whether homosexuals can go straight."

But I agree with Peterson when he writes, "In regards to same sex attractions, the question has been debated over and over, Is Change Possible? but for many of us who attended Exodus programs, in some cases for years, the more important question is not about the possibility of change but the costs involved in pursuing that change. Change at what cost?"

Indeed.

Because of the opportunity we have being in close proximity to so many Exodus leaders, and because some of them have expressed an interest in hearing the stories, we have issued an open invitation for an evening to get together so they can hear some of our stories–stories that they may have never heard before.

We have sent an invitation letter to Alan Chambers and a few other leaders that we know personally, and we are trying to get the word out to other Exodus leaders of the opportunity they have to hear our stories. Please feel free to share this open letter to any Exodus leaders or ministry leaders who will be in Irvine for the Exodus conference.

An Open Invitation to Exodus International for Dinner and Dialogue

Dear Exodus Leaders,

It is no coincidence that we scheduled the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference at the same time and in the same city as Exodus’ Freedom Conference. Although we do not wish to interrupt your gathering, we do long for the opportunity to connect with you. Many of us have spent months and years under your care in your ministries. We turned to you for help and received some good from our time under your care. Sadly our ex-gay experiences caused more harm than good, and for many of us we have needed years to recover.

We understand that this was not your intent. From knowing quite a few of you personally, we know that you have a heart to help people and to serve God. You meant to bless us.

Too often once we leave your programs, you never hear about our lives and what happens to us. Most ministries do not have aftercare programs or any formal means to follow-up on participants. Some stories you do not get to hear. If you do, our stories can be simplified by the press or infused with anger or hurt. In hopes of giving you the opportunity to hear about our experiences and the harm that we felt came to us as a result of our pursuit of an ex-gay life, we would like to invite you to join us for a private dinner on Friday, June 29, 2007.

The purpose of the dinner is to give you an opportunity to hear our stories. We do not wish to bash you, attack you or shame you. We simply desire to share our stories with you. No members of the press will be allowed into the dinner and it will not be recorded or filmed. We are hoping for a small gathering with a few ex-gay leaders and some ex-gay survivors. At the dinner a few of us will tell you our stories.

If you are interested in attending this dinner, please RSVP to bxg@beyondexgay.com.

Sincerely,

Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke

Ex-gay survivors and co-founders of www.BeyondExGay.com

Please feel free to download the jpg and send it on to other folks.

No more naked cowboy!

2007-06-10T21:04:00.000-06:00

Instead, I give you the ultimate Denver Bronco's fan; a superfan, the "Barrel Man." Rumors are that the suspenders are the only clothing item he used to wear (he just retired), but I can neither confirm nor deny this. Another casualty of that decadent "straight lifestyle."

So, in other news...ummmm....I was a guest on....um...Candace Chellew's Whosoever Godcast where, upon listening just now, I realize I say the word "um" about mmm, 50 times (it's still weird for me to hear my voice, so I get really self-critical...um...don't mind me).

It was a lot of fun chatting with Candace, the founder of whosoever.org, the first online magazine for LGBT Christians. She started this ten years ago when there were hardly any resources online for Christians who were lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (too bad I didn't pay attention to it before I moved out to Denver to start my ex-gay life, huh). She did a lot of ground-breaking work during a time where it was not OK to identify as Christian and gay, in almost any circle (thanks Candace!).

We talk about the conference, who it's for, what it'll be like; and a bit about my story. Toward the end, she shares some thoughts on tolerance, the ex-gay movement and Christians. Definitely worth a listen. Just promise you won't hold all those "ums" against me.

In other news, I got an e-mail from Kevin Moss that my story somehow made it onto a gay Russian site. Kevin is a professor of Russian studies (and gay studies and gay Russian studies) at Middlebury college in Vermont. Here's the translation:

A 35 year old American woman has challenged "Reparative therapy" which supposedly cures the homodemon.

35 year-old American Kristina Beykk wanted to escape from homosexuality with the aid of the program of the so-called ex-gays, who promise to cure the "misguided souls" through the word of the Lord, the lesbian journal "Pinx" reports.

After Beykk realized that all this is nonsense and charlatanism, she became one of the first women in the United States to openly challenge "Reparative therapy", which affirms that sexual orientation can be changed.

When she was 27, Christina decided to "put an end to vice" and to go to church.

There a preacher laid his hand on her head and began to fervently pray that "the demon of homosexuality leave this woman."

For five years Beykk desperately tried to "be cured", sincerely believing that salvation is just around the corner.

"The only person I fooled all of this time was myself," she says today.

That is why Christine has decided to tell her story to other doubters to convince them: You can be happy only if you are true to your own nature.

It's actually kind of amazing that Kevin was able to link me to the story, since my last name was spelled phonetically (although erroneously, as my last name rhymes with hockey) and I think they were trying to cover all the bases in the spelling of my first name. Thanks, Kevin!

That's about all I've got for right now. Well, no, that's not actually true. I have so many things to blog about, just not enough time for now. I'm doing a lot of work for our upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference (it's not too late to register!) and so I'm having a hard time keeping up in blogland. I'll try to do better. If only so you don't have to see a picture of the Naked Cowboy at the top of my blog...

P.S., I'm not 35 anymore (thanks Eric!) :)

My NYC adventure (part 2)

2007-05-12T19:36:00.000-06:00

This is the second installment of my NYC adventure posts (part one is here).

After Jed left, and I took some congratulatory phone calls, I got busy scraping off the GMA makeup (although I wasn't able to get all of it off—I wonder if the makeup folks were expecting me to cry because they used some heavy duty stuff that took a lot of work to remove).

On my way over to the Glamour offices (they graciously let me use a free computer in their offices for a bit so I could catch up on some online stuff), I stumbled across the Naked Cowboy...not that this is hardly a feat in Times Square, but still...

The megalomaniac Naked Cowboy can be found in all weather playing his guitar and posing for pictures with tourists in exchange for tips. His website contains chapters from his autobiography and he writes, "My love for life, my dedication and hard work for excellence, my compassion and open-mindedness will be world-renowned, recognized ,and sought after, if not emulated by all. [...] As the most celebrated entertainer of all time, naturally I feel a tremendous responsibility to inform the public what exactly went into the making of my legend and my legacy."

It's always summer in my world. There's just certain times throughout the year when it's harder to convince myself of that.
—Naked Cowboy

"I'm thirty years old, I sing and play guitar in my underwear for a living. What could be bad news next to that?"
—Naked Cowboy

Just goes to show that you always have to keep an eye on those living the straight lifestyle. His effort to convert me didn't work.

(The Condé Nast building where the Glamour offices are located)

When I got over to the Glamour offices, I met a lot of the people I'd only previously talked to on the phone, or met via e-mail. I'm pictured below with Jill Herzig, the Executive Editor at Glamour, following a great discussion we had about the difference between being a lesbian versus being a gay man in the ex-gay world.

All the people at the magazine were very kind to me (I don't know why, but I had this idea that I'd walk into the office and they'd take a picture of me and put it on their "Don't" page). Jill even gave me a great tip for removing the stubborn gobs of mascara (baby oil, just in case you ever find yourself in this predicament).

I wandered around Times Square the rest of the day, doing touristy stuff. Walking into the Swatch store reminded me that I'm a child of the 80s. I got my first (and only) swatch when I was sixteen, and really wanted to buy this "Sign of the Times" watch, but I was on a tight budget, so I just looked at it longingly. Although not nearly as longingly as I looked at the Naked Cowboy (ahem *coughsurecough*)

From Diane Sawyer to the Naked Cowboy to makeup removal tips from the folks in the know at Glamour. What a day.

Edit me

2007-05-10T11:33:00.000-06:00

I think it's pretty obvious by some of my recent posts that I am trying to process all the feedback I've gotten with the recent media attention (and the mail Peterson and I receive on bXg). I had a hunch that it would be difficult for me, who has grown up wanting to please, and spent much of my life aching to be understood (although both of these things have greatly improved as I've settled into myself the last few years). So while I'm actually dealing with this much better than I expected and developing a thicker skin in the process, there have been a few hiccups, and so my readers get a glimpse into the journey.

Within the first week of the Good Morning America interview, I had people questioning things I said, or telling me I should have said this or that, or not said this other thing, or if I really meant x instead of y. It was overwhelming (especially since it was my first time on TV, and I was unprepared for two of the questions, both things I said I hadn't wanted to talk about just yet). Some of it was actually good feedback that I am taking under advisement. It was still a bit much for me emotionally, though.

I finally talked to a friend of mine on gaychristian.net about it, and he sent me the following:

All the expectations people have or want to push your way reminds me of a little plaque one of our editors had on his wall behind his desk. It had a simple statement and scrawled all over the rest of the space of the 5 X 7 page were edits and rewrites in various hands. The caption was attributed to Mark Twain: "Few things are more human or more powerful than the desire to edit someone else's writing."

Random reviews

2007-05-10T10:23:00.000-06:00

Apropos of nothing...

I have collected a couple of my favorite oh-so-helpful reviews on Amazon.

Here are three of the best:

I ordered this book by accident. It is not a very helpful book. I had read reviews on this book previously that indicated it was not a good book to purchase, but somehow it ended up on my order. To much trouble to send it back, so I am stuck with it.

and

I didn't read this, but i'm on the phone with a friend who did and she thinks it's ok. She likes it and will probably finish it soon.

I would love to read it, if I had more free time. I just stopped working, and I'm probably watch a little TV and maybe go to bed. When I retire from work, I hope to read this book.

Finally, on Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:

[cut a paragraph that is essentially a book report]

The book is not that interesting, as tales of desperation and survival are actually quite common.

In one eye and out the other

2007-05-08T19:38:00.001-06:00

I understand people have a need to discount my story. For those currently pursuing or living an ex-gay life, I may bring their fears and doubts to the surface. For those who are everstraight (i.e, not ex-gay) Christians, it may challenge their faith and what they've been told by leaders, and what they believe the Bible says. Maybe it puts a little nagging question in their head about why many Church leaders think it is a "choice" that one can abandon, or why God would outlaw something that seems inherent and utterly unchangeable for almost all of us.

I have gotten some correspondence from those who consider themselves ex-gay, and there have only been one or two that have not criticized my journey or told me something they thought I should do, or what I didn't do. One organization even wrote that I was just a "disappointed lesbian." (Which, incidentally, I might use as a job description from now on: Homosexual Activist and Disappointed Avowed Lesbian.) And when they run out of those criticisms, then they'll often decide that while I did all the right things, I must not have had enough faith, or I didn't trust God fully with my healing.

I know all about this because this is exactly what I did while I was ex-gay. Before I moved to Denver to start my journey toward wholeness (funny how I thought wholeness would come hand-in-hand with straightness), I met an ex-gay online who had been in this process for something like two decades.

She admitted she hadn't experienced any real change, even though she was unwaveringly committed to the process and to being celibate. I read what she wrote, but partly it went in one eye and out the other (well, it was online) because I had so much hope and belief that I'd change, and partly because I found many creative ways to discount her story. Or perhaps not discount it, as much as find (or make up) what I perceived to be holes or gaps in her effort. I was determined to find out everything she'd not done, and wanted to be sure to do those things as well as anything else that was suggested to me.

Failure is not anything I've considered as an option in my life (well, maybe in a few things, and there is that one history class I withdrew from), but generally speaking, I will work hard if I have a particular goal. Even as I write that, though, I know when I used to hear people say this I would think, "ah, well, that's the problem. You didn't just let go and let God." I always managed to find a way to put the blame squarely back on the shoulders of ex-gay survivors. It certainly couldn't be a problem with God, or with the traditional teachings—it had to be a problem with them.

This reminds me of people who have cancer or a progressive disease and are told that with enough faith, positive thinking and creative visualization, they can be cured. And when they aren't, they will often lose some of their friends in the process. I saw this with my friend who has a debilitating disease. Folks were there for her in the beginning, when everyone thought that she would be healed (herself included), and then have a great testimony. But soon they all started pulling away.

Why? I think her illness and the progression of it caused some to question their faith, or God's healing power. They had trouble with belief in a God who could do anything, and then seeing her suffer. In the end, it was easier not to face the pain and the questions. It was easier to ignore the reality that very bad things happen to the best of people, and there is nothing one can do to change or prevent that. Perhaps it made them feel vulnerable or scared.

And that's exactly how I felt whenever I'd encounter the story of a former ex-gay. Sometimes I didn't even stick around long enough to hear or read it, much less really sit with it. I knew to stay away from Mel White, Ex-Gay Watch, Bridges Across the Divide, and anything with "Gay" and "Christian" in the same title. I could not go near anything that might threaten my carefully stacked house of cards (to be clear, I'm not saying that every ex-gay's life is a fragile house of cards, but I think many are).

I am trying to realize there is no way I can convince anyone that I didn't undertake the change process lightly. I had faith that I would change, and a commitment to do all the spiritual, emotional and psychological work. Even though some of the more bizarre things about my story have gotten some press, most of it was the usual, fairly boring ex-gay story of a lot of struggle. Trusting in God, therapy (and lots of it), exploring every inch of my past, having demonic influences cast out, theophostics, and the list just goes on. I don't think anyone who knew me during this time of my life believes I gave anything but my all to God and to this process.

But I can talk about this until the cats come home (which, as you know, is whenever they damn well please), and for some people, it will just go in one eye and out the other. And honestly? I can't blame them, because I had a lot of in and out traffic myself during those years. Now I'm working on letting the criticism go in and out just as quickly.

Seven Passages: Audition in Grand Rapids

2007-05-07T13:14:00.000-06:00

Are you an actor in the Michigan area? This looks like a great project.

Seven Passages: The Stories of Gay Christians
AUDITION NOTICESeven Passages: The Stories of Gay Christians will be a piece of devised ethnographic theatre.

Seven Passages is a stark and vital look at one of the deepest conflicts in contemporary culture – that of homosexuality and Christianity. Over 100 gay individuals have been interviewed about the interplay of these worlds throughout their life journey. These stories, along with passages of scripture and an exhaustive bibliography of scholarly sources are now ready to be structured and compiled into a play that will seek to address the question:

“How do we combine the scripture passages that deal with homosexual activity, the weighty tradition of the scriptures and the stories we’ve collected so that when they converge, they foster not oppression, but dialogue?”

The goal of this piece of theatre is to issue a call for reconciliation, to open the door and get the conversation rolling.

Actors have the exciting opportunity to be part of a creative devising process that will compile interview material, scripture, and other text into a full-length play. They will then go into a more traditional rehearsal process to find and bring to life the people and stories that are eventually selected for the devised script.

For more information about casting, audition date and performance dates, head on over to the Seven Passages blog.

News from Colorado Springs

2007-05-06T21:12:00.000-06:00

And it doesn't have anything to do with gays!

COLORADO SPRINGS – Police showed up at Grace Church and St. Stephen's Parish after a man threw a pie in Father Donald Armstrong's face – during his sermon about loving enemies.

The man, who has been identified as Marcus Hyde, took off, but church members caught him.

Witnesses tell KOAA they think Hyde may be passing judgment on the minister. More...

I'm sure the pie was used instead of a gun since Colorado Springs has the bizarre law "It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays" on its books. I feel sorry for Seventh Day Adventist ministers in Colorado Springs though, who have to worry about congregants showing up with six-guns during their Saturday worship.

You can't make this stuff up.

[Update: Aaron commented and said: "Actually, Christine, this has everything to do with gays. We haven't yet gotten a complete statement from Marcus—he's waiting to talk to lawyer—but I suspect the pieing was in response to Armstrong's alliance with Bishop Akinola, whose Nigerian church advocates the jailing and execution of gays. Grace left the Episcopal diocese because of their pro-gay stance."]

Nope, it didn't lead to a baby

2007-05-06T00:34:00.001-06:00

Peterson is in town for the weekend (picture coming soon), so we had a great time over dinner with two friends. After I dropped him off at his hotel, a friend texted and asked if I wanted to go to a local lesbian bar. I've been there a whole other two times in the last 7 years, and since I happened to be driving right by it, I went. Since I almost never go out, I think my friends about keeled over in shock.

The big news in all of this? I danced tonight for the first time in my life. I guess I'm going to have to change the "who we are" page on bXg to reflect this. I didn't quite make it onto the dance floor, but I'm almost there.

I'm still realizing the extent of the disconnect and fear of my body, and this was even before my time as an ex-gay.

But the times they are a-changin'

I love my new sense of freedom and accepting my body for what it is. I'm certainly still on a journey with that, but I'm moving forward, and that's the good news.

I still refused to get on the dance floor tonight (that's one of the problems with not drinking...it's not always easy to lose inhibitions), and had about five people pulling me onto it. I was able to cleverly jump through a gap in a railing to get back on the sidelines (ha, I don't know what to call it). I promised that next week I will get out there.

I'm so excited about my future. This is just a small thing, but is part of a whole package of feeling good about who I am, and joy about whom I'm becoming.

My NYC adventure (part 1)

2007-05-01T20:09:00.000-06:00

Here's a photo album of the Good Morning America part of my NYC adventure (click on any picture to see a larger version).

I arrived on Sunday, after a very early morning flight. Because I'd slept through two alarm clocks the day before, and had the local ABC film crew pounding on my door for for 15 minutes, the producer of the Good Morning America segment actually called me twice that Sunday morning, the second time to say "Your car is going to be there in 15 minutes. Are you ready?" (upon questioning, she said that yes, she was going back to bed).

This is with my friend Eduardo, who helped me figure out what to wear the next day. My wonderful friend Jed took this picture. We were heading back from a lovely Italian dinner (where apparently the words "early TV call tomorrow" got us a seat in the middle of the restaurant). I think that this was the first time it hit me, really, that I would be in that studio in the morning; the one behind me with all the lights and screens.

I'm such a tourist, and don't think I've ever stayed in a hotel that had so many floors. I was on the 33rd floor and I couldn't stop looking out the window. Yup, I'm just a small town girl from Denver, and easily impressed.

Here is Jed's story of the next morning (because I was too preoccupied and out of it to notice anything):

4:00am. Jumped out of bed. Let the dogs out, hit the shower. Then raced to the car. Miraculously hit very little traffic.

Arrived 6:00 am in New York. Parked the car. On my way to the Millenium, miracle upon miracle (and you have to know Christine to understand this one), she actually called me.

I raced up the elevator and landed in front of Christine's room. Soon she opened the door wrapped in a towel. Hugs and kisses. 20 minutes later, Christine was half the vision we saw two hours later. A few more phone calls (yes Miss Producer, No I'm not asleep this time, I'm awake and ready...), another hug, and holding hands, almost like a sweet straight couple, we headed to the elevator bank, and met the GMA intern who escorted us across the street and into the stage entrance door.

Filming was already in session. We sneaked past the absurdly squeaking stage door, and tiptoed behind the sets towards the green room.

A few minutes went by and our intern led us to the make-up room. Christine had her own personal hair stylist and her own make-up person. So very ChiChi.*

Soon Christine and I were whisked back to the Green room, the room where you wait forever. But this time not for long.

Someone came out, made introductions and talked to Christine. She asked a few questions, and then, "Tell me about your therapy. What did you do?” Christine ran down the list, including the deliverance (demon exorcism).

Next we saw the producer, dressed in a bright red suit (her daughter said to her that morning she looked like Satan), who introduced herself to Christine. A quick two second run through of what to expect followed. Then, “do you want to do a quick interview on XM radio? It'll be a great run through for you, they'll ask pretty much the same questions that Diane will”...

Christine was barely out of the room, when the make-up lady of another guest wanted to know: “Does she channel people?” “What?” I was totally rattled. “Your friend, does she channel people? What was that about the exorcism?” “Oh, no,” I explained hastily, “Christine is no Sylvia Brown. No, no. She is ex-ex-gay.” Yadi dah. I explained it all. "Oh, oh!" They claimed to understand, yet they all looked so confused.

Red Satan lady (who was actually very un-Satan-like) walked back into the room. The phone rang. It was for her. Someone could be heard over the phone. “Where's Christine? The segments have been switched. She can not be late. This is a LIVE SHOW.” We all heard that one. Satan lady replied, "she'll be there. Stop worrying." She turned around, smiled a warm smile. "Oh, another day at the office."

Seconds later, Christine arrived. She beamed at everyone. One guest wanted to know more about the exorcism. The tech guy began to adjust the microphone, taping it to the inside of Christine's lapel.

“Is Christine ready? We're ready to roll.” Satan is back. We went back through the squeaky door, and tiptoed once again behind the set. Christine settled into her seat while around her was chaos. Camera men chatting quietly, a producer or other running around frantically. I was off to the side.

Suddenly there was a little rush and mad whispers of ”Diane” floated through the air. And there she was, tall, graceful and entirely professional. She walked up the stage and sat across from Christine, leaned forward, whispered an introduction. Then she turned her attention to the questions she would be asking Christine.

Things were getting noisier. Christine sat calm as a rock and I couldn’t see her face. Someone stood next to one of the cameras. Hands lifted high, she yelled five, four, three, two,...

Then the interview was over. People rushed from everywhere. Cameras were changed to new angles, Diane Sawyer hugged Christine. I was pushed up front. “Take a pic” someone said. And so I did, Diane Sawyer hugging my Christine.

Then we were back in the green room. Lots of thumbs up and gentle applause. Quite a few staff members had read the article, and they all seemed to manage to squeeze in a thanks to Christine.

Minutes later we were back outside. A one-second goodbye, and the big iron stage door slammed shut.

Christine dragged me to the front of the studio where there was a crowd eagerly awaiting the anchors to come outside for another segment. Christine was just too much of a tourist not to want to see what goes on. We snuck up behind them, and before you know it, some people in the audience had recognized her. They turned around and started speaking to Christine. Quite a few minutes later, we finally broke away. We crossed the street and turned around for a final goodbye. It was 9:00am, and with the show over, the crowd started to disperse.

We saw a couple carrying a sign saying "Celebrating our 50th Anniversary." Christine squealed: "That's so awesome. I'd love to get a picture of them." We got their attention. They immediately recognized Christine and congratulated her. Very moving they said. I snapped the shot of the couple, Christine and the woman who I assumed is their daughter. A warm wave goodbye and we were finally off back to the hotel. All twenty steps of the way. It was a turbulent morning, but one of the best to be had.

Commentary provided by my dear friend, Jedidjah Oldenburg, pictured above (thank God for friends).

*Other meanings of chichi in other languages:
chichi, a French word meaning false curly hair or fig. humbug
Chichi, an English word meaning fussily affected or ostentatiously stylish, used to describe clothes, interior décor, etc
Chichi, a term used by the British in India and ethnic Indians to refer to people suspected of being mixed race
Chi-Chi, Jamaican slang for an undesirable person, frequently a homosexual
Chichi (pl. chichis), Mexican Spanish slang for "tit" or "breast"
Chi-Chi, Spanish (Castilian) slang for "cunt." It is possible the term is not used in this context in South America.
Chichi, a prison snack consisting of cheese-flavored junk food, noodles, and meat cooked with hot water in a plastic bag
Chi Chi, a slang term used by Indian toddlers to refer to feces

I think if I have to be anything, I'd like to be cheese-flavored junk food, noodles, and meat cooked with hot water in a plastic bag, and not the feces. Just in case you were curious.

Christine's Q&A

2007-04-28T13:53:00.000-06:00

I've been getting really good feedback from people who have read the Glamour article or seen the Good Morning America piece (and by good I don't always mean agreeing with me, but much of it is still good). I'm also getting a lot of questions. So I thought I'd take a minute (er, OK, an hour; I know it's long) to address some questions or misconceptions about me.

1. Are you a Christian?
I don't think most people of Evangelical or Fundamentalist backgrounds would consider me a Christian at this point. However, I am a spiritual person and I do follow many things in the Bible.

Really though, I am one of the countless former ex-gays who no longer identify primarily as Christian. (I guess you could maybe say I am an ex-ex-ex-Christian, because that's not a confusing tongue-twister or anything.)

While I have been hesitant to speak of my own personal faith, and what it looks like now, maybe it is good that I do. I want people to see what often happens when someone goes through ex-gay therapy and finds that they didn't see any kind of change after investing so much emotionally, financially, and spiritually, and they feel misled. It causes you to rethink everything you have been told or have believed in the past. It is unbelievably common that those in my situation end up losing their faith. I think it should give ex-gay leaders, pastors, and concerned Christians pause. At what cost are they advocating change? Who pays the highest price?

I think glbtqi folks should no longer have to pay such a price in order to be accepted in faith communities. It's sad to see people who feel rejected unless they see themselves as broken and seeking a change. (Many Christians proclaim their love and support for the ex-gay struggler, but if that person decides that they do not need to be changed to be accepted by God, the same Christians will often reject them.) They then internalize that and feel rejected by God, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Some who were raised as Christian never even get to the point of trying to be ex-gay, because they walk away from all of it and some live a life disconnected from their spirituality. They think that's the only choice they have.

This is why I'm such a long-time and active participant at gaychristian.net, and while beyondexgay.com is not specifically a Christian site, it is very pro-spirituality and pro-faith. Many of our members come from a Christian background, and some still identify as such. I am all for gay folks finding their way back to a spiritual life; yes, including Christianity. And besides, some of the best friends I have are Christian. No, really. And, yes, even after everything I've been through. There are good things Christians are doing throughout the world, and probably good works programs in your area are being sponsored by Christians. So I am definitely not anti-Christian in general.

2. Someone came to my church and said they have been delivered of homosexuality and are now married. Do you know that people do change?
When people sit in church (or, for that matter, in congress) and hear someone's ex-gay testimony, they do not know whether that person is really faithful to their spouse. They do not follow up and find out if the cure "lasted." They do not find out how many other people are out there who have not experienced change; who have left the church over the struggle, and about those who have committed suicide because they could not change. If all of our U.S. news was only approved news coming out of the White House, would we feel confident we were getting the whole truth?

I think people should research this issue before they think they know the whole truth because of a person claiming change. I am not saying that person is lying; they may very well be telling the truth. But you cannot take one person's experience and say it is true for everyone without doing some research.

3. Have you read the Bible? Perhaps you should read x, y, or z scripture.
I have actually read the Bible many times, and memorized whole portions and chapters. I'd imagine that I've studied the Bible more than most Christians. I have also spent years reading commentaries and books about the Bible, about homosexuality, about ex-gay therapy and reparative therapy. I have attended and been involved with several denominations, including Lutheran, Pentecostal, non-denominational, Baptist (regular and Conservative), Nazarene, Assembly of God, Evangelical Free, Foursquare, and Metropolitan Community Church (and I may be missing something in this list). I'm not saying I know everything, by any means. But my current views are not due to lack of Bible knowledge.

4. Will you go look at the website of (an ex-gay)?
I went to the website of the ex-gay that you recommended and I do not have a problem with people sharing their personal stories. This is mine, and it is different than other people's stories, even other former ex-gays.

What I do take offense at is those who would say what one ex-gay says on his site:
'I have come to realize that though the gay life may be "gay" at times, it promises no lasting, genuine love, joy, or peace. On the contrary, it is fraught with much anxiety, fear, confusion, frustration, suspicion, depression, and despair.'

That is just simply not true. I am not sure what kind of "gay life" he is talking about. All gay people do not have one kind of life. That would be similar to me saying that people at Mardi Gras are an example of the traditional "heterosexual life" or that "the straight lifestyle" is this or that. It just doesn't make any sense. (Well, it does if you want to put people in boxes, but it doesn't work much outside of that.)

The time in my life when I was fraught with the most anxiety, fear, confusion, frustration, depression, suspicion and despair was when I was trying to change my sexual orientation. It did not change and yet I am the most happy, settled, fulfilled and peaceful that I ever have been in my life. And my gay life is probably not that different than most. I get up, go to work, read e-mail, play with my cats, talk on the phone, and go to bed. That's my gay life.

5. I am ex-gay and have changed. How come you don't believe me? How come you don't like ex-gays?
In telling my story I want to make it clear that I am not trying to invalidate anyone else's story. I do feel it is very rare that people experience a significant change in orientation, but I would also not say it couldn't happen. I also believe that the majority of people experience more harm than good (some do experience some good things, me included; I just feel like it wasn't necessary for me to go through all the horrible things in order to acquire those good things).

But I wish you and all others who identify as ex-gay the best. Truly. Please keep in mind that while I'm talking about the ex-gay movement, ex-gay writing and advertising, and ex-gay leaders, I know that most ex-gays in programs aren't at all involved politically, and I do feel a certain affinity to those who are pursuing what I once did.

6. A man and woman being together is how God designed it. That's the way it should be.
I don't agree with you that it's how God designed things (people have been using the Bible and that argument for everything from a ban on interracial marriage to support of slavery or a reason to deny women the vote). People have also said for years "you don't see animals of the same sex mating; it's not how God designed it" and yet now we're finding out that animals of the same sex, across many species, do mate and have sex with those of the same sex (besides, I don't really think we should base our standards of behavior on animals; I don't think anyone should take parenting tips from species that eat their own young, for instance).

7. It sounds like you have just had bad experiences in the church and with Christians, and perhaps this is why (things didn't work for you; you didn't experience change, etc).
I have run into very judgmental Christians, but I have also come across many caring and wonderful Christians. I am not telling my story because I am bitter at the church. I recognize that all people are human and some do things that wound others.

Many of the Christians in my life cared (and do still care) deeply about me. I do not doubt that. I also think they believe what they are saying. I just no longer agree with them, but it doesn't mean that the things they did weren't out of a caring heart and wanting what they thought was the best for me.

I find that people either want to pigeonhole me as an anti-Christian ex-ex-gay, someone bitter and angry at the church, or someone who has no faith. Neither of these are true.

Some have commented to me that it sounds like I am trying to mock Christians. I'm not. Those who know me beyond the pages of Glamour and the five minutes on ABC will know this. The one thing that's gotten a bit of exposure is my recollection of the women who prayed that I would learn how to accessorize and for God to let me know I could mix and match my wardrobe. This really did happen, and an older woman whom I really liked and recall fondly prayed that for me in a home church meeting. She absolutely wanted the best for me. I find amusement whenever people turn conversation with someone else into a prayer in order to get the message across, but the moment was just beyond amusing, and absurd even then (I had such a hard time keeping a...straight...(poker?) face). I remember going to my ex-gay group the next night and telling about it and we all had a very good laugh.

The other thing to keep in mind is this: I can tell my story, but the only control I have over what is published/aired is what I write unedited (like on my blog). So there are people who think all I'm doing is mocking Christians, or that I'm anti-Christian (surprisingly, even people who read the Glamour article, where I'm pictured with my friend Scott, a local ex-gay leader), but that is not true. It might be what gets the most attention (hey, tv print, and radio folks are always looking for something funny or controversial...it's how they stay in business), but it's not always the whole truth about my life. Because, seriously, I have lived so much in 35 years and I haven't published the book yet.

Thanks all for your comments, and keep them (and any questions) coming. I'll always answer as truthfully and fully as I can.

A mother's tale

2007-04-24T11:32:00.000-06:00

First I'd like to apologize that I have not gotten back to most e-mails and I've not been able to respond to any comments here. I am still in NYC without a laptop and the only internet I have is either a fee by the minute, or when Glamour lets me in their offices to get on a computer for a minute.

I got this comment today on the Glamour comments section, and I wanted to share it. It actually made me cry (well, that and all the e-mails I've been getting).

Seething Mom writes:
Unlike so many others reading your story and finding comfort, I am not gay, but I am equally comforted by the story of your journey and its final outcome: self-acceptance and peace. I am a straight woman, married 25 years with 3 great kids, one of them gay.

Your story really highlights how far we have come, but how far we still have to go. Until no child has to worry about coming out and being who they are, until no child has to weigh and measure whether coming out is worth possibly losing their family and friends, and until Christianity is not used as a convenient cover for homophobia and exclusion, we cannot consider ourselves there yet.

But your story gives us all hope Christine. And though my journey is very different from yours, I still hope one day I can arrive at some kind of peace with my faith also. Unfortunately my path so far has taken me in a different direction. I have yet to reconcile what my church, the Catholic Church, says about homosexuality with the unconditional love I have for my son. I have felt forced to leave the church because I cannot walk through the doors of an institution that proclaims my son's love for another human being "objectively disordered" and "intrinsically evil". Abandoning my son or forcing him to be someone he isn't so that he fits the Church's narrow view of normal were just not options, but abandoning a church whose attitudes are so unChrist-like was. I chose to walk away from the church, not my son.

She also has an essay her son wrote in high school, and it is posted at this link. It is very moving, and I can't tell you how beautiful it is to me that she demonstrates such love and acceptance for her son.

I also have written several comments on the Glamour comments section, so if you'd like to read more of my thoughts (many of which would answer questions on my blog comments), please feel free to stop by there and check 'em out.

I need to run, but thanks all for the comments, suggestions, and support.

P.S. It came to my attention tonight (4/24 11pm) that in my hurried posting frenzy, I'd linked to an essay by Jarred, who is not SeethingMom's son. However it's wonderful and moved me again when I looked at it. So hope you'll take a look at Jarred's essay that he wrote. I've corrected the link above so that it takes you to SeethingMom's actual son, although I'm sure she's adopted Jarred as well. :) Thanks for pointing my error out to me...and now it just gives us more great things to read!

GMA!

2007-04-23T10:19:00.000-06:00

Wow, what an amazing morning!

I had a great time on Good Morning America. I'll upload pictures when I can -- my friend Jed took some, and one of me with Diane Sawyer. I'm not aware of there being any video online, but it if happens I'll try to blog about it.

I'm thrilled that I got a chance to tell my story. It's so important, and I really hope that not only were some eyes opened to the damage that is often done to gay folks through many of these ministries, but also perhaps some people who have been through an ex-gay experience will find hope and healing, too.

If you're a survivor of ex-gay ministries, or just want to find out more, check out www.beyondexgay.com. We're putting on a conference at the end of June in Irvine California that will be a great place for folks to learn more, and also a place for us to tell our stories and support and encourage each other. Check it out!

Good Morning America!

2007-04-21T21:09:00.000-06:00

"I'm here at my house with a film crew, being taped for a segment on Good Morning America! Will wonders never cease! The worst part is that I didn't even wake up on time.

I want to tell all the people who are writing me that you are definitely not alone. For those who are formerly ex-gay, we all have a shared and common history in our time as ex-gays, and now in the process of coming out as ex-ex-gays. And with the support of others, we'll do more than survive -- we'll heal and thrive and have wonderful lives.

For those who are not ex-gay, or ex-ex-gay, or even gay, so many can relate to the experience of attempting to change who you are, or the feeling that who you are is not "right" for everyone else.

We have so much more in common with each other than we often realize."

This is what I typed this morning while being filmed by a local ABC crew in some pre-taping for Monday's Good Morning America. They just told me to type a blog entry. I'm supposed to be on there live on Monday, but I won't count these chickens until they've hatched and had chicks of their own. So much can happen in the world of news and TV before then.

I really feel horrible that I haven't been blogging (I have so many thoughts going through my head and so much I want to blog and write about). I've also been so touched and inspired by the numerous e-mails and comments and I haven't had time to respond to those either. Maybe I just need someone to take dictation for me. :)

In my defense, I worked 80 hours in the last 6 days and now am flying out early tomorrow to be in NYC, where I'll be without a computer for a few days (sadly, don't have a laptop). If I can get some quality time with a computer in the next couple of days I'll try to do some blogging about the Good Morning America thing, and answer some of my e-mails.

For those of you who are just now finding out that it might be possible to reconcile your Christian faith with your sexuality, please check out gaychristian.net, and for other faiths, check out our links page on beyondexgay.com.

And definitely think about attending the conference at the end of June. It is not just for survivors, it is also for allies, straight and gay and anywhere in between - anyone who wants to find out more about the ex-gay movement, folks who want to stand in solidarity with those of us who need healing from our experiences, who want to be able to understand this issue and help us help ourselves and others...

So please consider the conference. I'd love to see you there.

Oh, and hopefully you'll see me on GMA on Monday morning!

Overworked, overfed, going to bed

2007-04-17T01:27:00.000-06:00

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Sometimes life is like this. No work, and then you get a week's worth in one weekend. That whole feast or famine thing. And I'm definitely feasting right now — there's no time to take a break or go out for lunch with this project looming, so the agency keeps ordering in food. And lots of it. I think they're scared that if I leave the building I won't come back.

I'm not complaining about the work though (I haven't had any in weeks, which was good when it came to all the time on the website; but not so good when it comes to grocery money) but I've put in almost 50 hours in the last four days and I'm just wiped out. I'm going to bed since I need to be back there in less than eight hours. I can't believe I used to work 12 hour days all the time, and regularly sleep at the office or under my desk (no really, I did, way more often than I want to remember).

Anyway, apologies for my blogging absence. For those of you waiting for replies to comments or e-mails, it might be another couple of days. I appreciate all the feedback on the article and the new website.

In the meantime, here's a picture of my wonderful nephews. On Easter. In Texas. Crazy.

(By the way, is it just me or does the snowman look like Homer Simpson? Hmmm...donuts.)

Assault on gay teen in Colorado

2007-04-11T18:04:00.000-06:00

Last Thursday, in Pueblo, Colorado (an hour south of Colorado Springs), a 15-year-old openly gay student, Anthony Hergesheimer, was attacked by six classmates while walking home from school. He was beaten and some bones were broken in his face. They called him a fag, hitting him with a full can of lysol (I know, odd — a can of lysol being used now as a weapon).

Today he underwent facial and nose surgery to repair the damage, so please keep him in your thoughts and prayers for a very fast recovery.

What I'm more concerned about, though, is his recovery emotionally, although he is confident that most of his other classmates will be accepting. I think it's got to have some impact emotionally (hey, it did to me and I'm two hours away, safe in my house, and don't have to worry much about how cruel some kids can be), and I hope that his friends and the gay community in Pueblo will shower him with love and support.

It's sad to me that this stuff happens. These kids don't get this from nowhere. They get it from their family, from society, from people who think that homosexuality is on the same level as being a rapist or a murderer.

But Anthony's mom is different. She said, "I'm very upset. Yeah, my son is gay. But that shouldn't matter. He should be proud of who he is."

With that kind of love and support, perhaps he really can fly through this and be OK.

"You shouldn't be afraid to be who you are. Of course there will be people who won't agree with you," he said. "But you shouldn't be scared to be who you are."

Good on ya, Anthony. Here's to a speedy recovery and a wonderful life full of people who love you.

A cocoa puffs moment

2007-04-10T22:16:00.000-06:00

People sometimes ask why it takes so long for some people to come out (or why it took me so long to understand I was gay, and have a name for it). A few people assume it means I chose to be gay, because it was later in life, and well past puberty, and after dating guys. Some say it was because I went to a secular (i.e., non-Christian) college. Or that I went to public school my senior year.

But the funny thing about growing up without a lot of television, newspapers or magazines is that you don't really know what you don't know.

An example of this is when I asked a friend at college "Whatever happened to that John Lennon guy?" In 1993.

Or when I was listening to a new Elton John song and said, "Wow, I like this song. Has this guy recorded anything else?" In 1994.

Coming out of my closed family and sheltered Christian school life, I felt constantly amazed by the big world out there. And constantly surprised at learning new things.

Folks who weren't raised as I was may not understand what this is really like. I compare it to the time my parents took my sister and I to see a movie at "the movie house" (i.e., a movie theater). I was eleven, and Savannah Smiles was a family movie. It was a big deal for us to go to a movie theater.

I was sitting in my seat, looking up at that big screen, and heard Savannah ask for cocoa puffs (which, incidentally, I'd never tasted, but knew existed). Completely blown away by this, it was like my mind was doing a huge double-take.

You see, at age eleven, I didn't know that movies could be made about the present day. I had absolutely no idea, and I continued to feel shock, and a shiver down my spine as we were watching the movie. I pondered this a lot when I went to sleep that night. I'd watched Heidi, Little House on the Prairie, The Sound of Music, Carousel, It's a Wonderful Life, and even a John Wayne movie (and I still laugh about my younger sister asking "Why is he talking about our pastor?" when someone said "Bastard"). But it had never entered my mind that a movie didn't have to be about something 50 years ago. I didn't have any category in my head for that, and struggled to come to terms with this new reality.

This is what it felt like when I started to realize I was gay. I didn't even have any framework in my head for thinking about it. I didn't know how to even conceptualize it. It was so far out of my realm of thought, that I didn't know how to categorize what I was feeling.

Because of that, it took me a long time to realize I was gay. It doesn't mean I wasn't gay before, and it doesn't mean I didn't know there was something a little "off" about me; it just means I didn't even know what all I didn't know.

Sometimes people (gay folks especially) can't understand why I would want to change who I was. All I can say was I didn't know what I didn't know. Now I know that I'm fine just how I am. Accepted and loved. Not in spite of something, but just because of my character, personality, humor and compassionate nature. It's nice to know that finally.

I really hope this next generation of kids don't have to wait to find that out in their thirties.

(The painting is one I did in 1994-1995 when I was trying to come to terms with being gay)

The slippery Easter slope

2007-04-07T20:42:00.000-06:00

Over on Pam's blog, she recently wrote about getting her dog fixed, and her young son's reaction to such a drastic surgery. The comments section is the best part of that post, though, as people talk about whether "change is possible" for the dog.

This comment caught my eye and I thought I'd post it as an Easter special. Robert writes:

I have to share a scene from one Easter when I was a boy:

We used to have lots of animals, including a small cat, a one-eyed rabbit, and a mallard duck (that my sister had hatched on a heating pad). The rabbit was not fixed had a thing for my little cat -- and my dad knew it. But it was Easter, so my dad let the rabbit out of his hutch to hop around Easter Bunny style.

Needless to say, the rabbit saw the kitty, and started to chase kitty around the yard. The duck, who was watching things unfold, decided to chase the rabbit. My cat finally gave up in the middle of the yard, hunkered down into the grass, while the rabbit mounted him from behind. Not to be outdone, our duck proceeded to mount the rabbit. So, for a few seconds on Easter Sunday, we got to watch triple-decker, interspecies live animal porn in the backyard.

Fortunately, no Easter eggs were harmed in the Springtime frolic.

Which just goes to show you, it's not the gays marrying donkeys that you have to worry about.

The online wait is over!

2007-04-07T11:43:00.000-06:00

The Glamour article is now online (but if you want to see all the pictures from the article, you're just gonna have to buy a copy). There's also a section to leave comments and ask questions (it's a free log-in; plus, afterward you can discuss things like getting your bikini-area waxed....yikes!)

Creating God

2007-04-06T10:22:00.000-06:00

I just stumbled across this while sitting here eating my breakfast.

M, who blogs at fifty-one percent sure writes:

Anne Lamott said, in Bird by Bird, that "You can tell you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do." I think that is such an amazingly true statement. But what if it turns out God hates you just as much as everyone else? Perhaps that means you've created God in someone else's image.

Read the rest of her post here.

Long after I'm done with breakfast, I'll be chewing on this.

Glamourous coincidences

2007-04-05T19:32:00.000-06:00

I got my first e-mail today from someone who read the article in Glamour, and it was very encouraging. I wish I could send her something; some kind of prize. A picture of the cats, Max and Sophie, perhaps? OK, maybe not so much a prize to anyone else but me. It's a little surreal to know that tons of people you don't know are going to read about your life (and some parts that are really private, er...were). Ahem.

It was a very deliberate decision I made to have my story out there. I knew it had the potential to be inflammatory, unflattering and/or incorrect. I know that's happened to a lot of folks who have talked to media. I was worried about my family. It was one thing for me to decide I would come out nationally, but my family didn't have a choice in the matter. I was surprised they actually agreed to talk to Glamour. My sister, especially. I'm glad they decided to participate.

Part of my decision to be interviewed and be out very publically was that I was so pleased that a national magazine was taking an interest in a woman's story. Historically there have not been other women talking about their ex-gay experiences. Jennifer had her story featured in Fish Can't Fly, but I think that was one of the first lesbian former ex-gay stories I've seen. Now I see more women starting to speak out and I'm thrilled about that. I think our journeys often are a bit different from the mens' in ways that have not yet been explored, and I'm interested in that. I'm looking forward to there being discussion on this in the future.

In all (and from other feedback by former ex-gays, including those who have had a lot of dealings with the media) this is probably one of the most accurate and even-handed articles out there (well, from an ex-ex-gay perspective anyway). Stephen Fried did a fantastic job, and he took a lot of care to be as noninflammatory as possible with this topic, which I greatly appreciate.

Here's the crazy coincidental part. Stephen wrote a major investigative story called "Cradle to Grave" for Philadelphia magazine (you can find out more about the story here on Stephen's site) that was responsible for re-opening a murder case.

Subsequently, Newsweek ran a follow-up story after the murderer confessed. That story was published in the exact same issue in 1998 that the Paulk's cover story appeared. So Stephen was well acquainted with that particular issue of Newseek, and when I started talking about the Paulk story, and their book, he did a double take. "Wait, you mean that guy that was on the cover of Newsweek in 98?" Yup. That one.

Anyway, I know many people have asked me how I ended up connected with the magazine. Stephen posted a request on an ex-ex-gay yahoo group, requesting women who were ex-ex-gay to consider speaking with him. I sent an e-mail, thinking he was looking for a quote or anecdote. In speaking with him, it soon became clear that it was going to be focused mainly on me. Yikes. This was only one day after telling my story for the first time at the women's group at the GLBT center in Denver. Only one week after I'd started this blog. It was a huge step for me.

So far I don't regret it, and I'm hoping that will continue to be the case.

(Oh, and in other news, the interview on OutQ went well this morning, although I don't remember much of it since it was 5:30 am my time).

What a week!

2007-04-04T14:35:00.000-06:00

This has been a fantastic but busy week. It is so exciting to see the fruition of a dream. Beyondexgay.com has been generating great feedback, and a lot of people are excited about it, and about the upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor's Conference.

I have ducked out of the house once or twice this week, but beyond that I've had my fingers glued to the keyboard, working on the design of the site, replying to e-mails. Good thing I don't have paying work this week (and no, you'll not hear me saying that very often—We'll see how I feel about it in June when I need money).

In a somewhat random aside, inflation has caught up with my local dollar theater. It is now the dollar-and-a-quarter theater, which doesn't quite have the same ring to it. After we launched the site on Monday, I finally went to sleep for a few hours. Then I went to my dollar theater (imagine my shock and dismay having to hand over that extra quarter) and saw "The Pursuit of Happyness" which was a great movie to see that day. Someone pursuing a dream, and with a happy ending.

My dream, of course, is to have an alternative to the messages from Exodus, to see people heal from their ex-gay experiences, and to deter people from experiencing something that is often emotionally and spiritually harmful. I know it's been Peterson's dream since well before I was even ex-ex-gay, but it's wonderful to have a partner in this, and to see it starting to become a reality. Documentaries are being made, books are being published, people are telling their stories. It's a new day for us.

We just added a wonderful narrative from Darlene Bogle, a former Exodus ministry leader. She has just published a new book called A Christian Lesbian Journey: A Continuation of Long Road to Love. She wrote two pro-ex-gay books while she was involved in the ex-gay world, one of them being The Long Road to Love, which explains the subtitle of her new book. I'm very glad to have her narrative on our site.

In other news, I have had the duct-tape ripped off my mouth (or fingers) and I can finally talk about being interviewed for a Glamour magazine story.

And one of the things that means is I that I can also finally blog about whatever the heck I want. I agreed to a bit of a blogging restriction about certain topics and anecdotes when I first agreed to do the story (2 weeks after I started this blog), but had no idea it would end up being for a year-and-a-half! I understand why they do it, but maybe now I will be able to blog more regularly. Or maybe I am just making excuses for my lack of previous blogging, and blaming the restrictions when it's really just that I didn't get around to blogging. I'm, um, not saying that's something I would do, or anything...

So, April 9th you can see the article at Glamour.com, and April 10th it will be available at newsstands (it's the May issue). I'll write more about the interview and the whole process soon.

Oh, I almost forgot. I'm going to be on "OutQ in the Morning with Larry Flick" show tomorrow morning on the OutQ Sirius Satellite radio channel (channel 109). I should be on for a few minutes around 7:30ish Eastern time if you want to listen in.

The BIG super HUGE news!!!

2007-04-02T07:15:00.000-06:00

Today is a BIG day in the ex-ex-gay world.

Peterson and I have been working for over a year on a website called "Beyond Ex-Gay" and today is the official launch!

In addition, we're also announcing an ex-gay survivors conference, called "The Survivor's Conference: Beyond Ex-Gay" that we're doing in partnership with Soulforce and also the UC-Irvine LGBT resources center.

It'll be June 29th through July 1st and I've heard the workshop leaders will be fantastic! ;) There's info on our site, and also Peterson has just blogged about it.

We could not have done it without Steve Boese (from A Tenable Belief), my friend Joel Bass, and others who have contributed artwork, narratives, video, etc.

So check out the site and let us know what you think!

I'm going to bed...been a long night. But so worth it. :D

The gift of family traditions

2007-04-01T10:10:00.000-06:00

I just got back from Texas, where I helped celebrate my nephew's second birthday. As you can see, he is already a stellar reader. (And you can see his poor hands are swollen, though much better then when I got there, from being bitten by a horde of fire ants. He would hold them out for me and say "Owwies, Teen!"—his pronunciation of my name. Gotta love Texas!)

We visited a nearby lake one overcast day. The boys (2 and 4) flew a kite with the help of their dad. Later, my sister and I broke into the "Let's Go Fly a Kite" song from Mary Poppins. As a family, whenever we flew a kite, we always ended up singing that song at some point. My sister and I grew up with virtually no television (and what we did see was tightly controlled), but we were allowed to watch a lot of classic musicals, and it wasn't uncommon for my mom to burst into a song appropriate to different occasions, many from these movies.

One of the first things my sister and I did when we got to the water's edge was look for shells. We just both naturally bent over and started looking and comparing. Soon the boys, bored with the inactivity involved in kite flying, came over to join us and started looking, too.

We are carrying on a tradition that also came from our mom and dad (well, mostly our mom). Both our parents are beach lovers, and we spent many good and fun times camping near the beach or just going for day visits (we always lived no more than two hours away from the Pacific ocean the whole time we were kids, and it's one of the things I miss the most being out here in a land-locked state). Just like my nephews, my sister and I got in the act of looking for shells or bits of polished glass when we were just toddlers, and it's something we naturally continue and enjoy today.

It was fun for both of us to relive these good memories of family time, and think about the gifts our parents have given us. Traditions that we continue today, and things that we are passing on to our parent's grandchildren.

When I come visit I usually have books stowed away in my suitcase that I bring out every night. (One night, while J. was trying to pick a book to read for that evening, he said, "Let's just get one more out of your suitcase, Auntie Christine!" even though I hadn't told him there were more where those others came from.) My sister and brother-in-law read to the kids before naps and before bedtime, just like my mom used to read to us when we were young (when I was perhaps five, I surprised my grandmother by "reading" her a whole book that I'd actually just memorized).

I just hope that the youngest hasn't inherited my (lack of) fashion sense (another inherited gift from my dad). I remember once my mom coming up with a complicated system of matching clothes that had number or letter combinations on the hangers so my dad could dress in clothes and ties that matched. Here is E. in a pajama top, diapers, and rain boots right before bedtime (he is also peaking at his birthday presents).

Here is the family having some fun in the backyard with the bubble machine and various toys. When I was a kid, we'd go to parks after church (we lived a ways from our church, so would spend the day at a park between the morning and evening service). Sometimes we played lawn darts or other games after our picnic. It is nice to think about those times and know that my boys are having the same kind of experiences with parents who care that they have fun outside.

Enjoy your childhood, boys. And thanks, mom and dad.

A long un-Christmas season

2007-03-29T23:37:00.000-06:00

If you think this blog has been neglected, you should see my house! I still have the un-Christmas tree up, complete with ornaments, and the cats' Christmas stockings are still hung by the chimney with care (no, I'm not kidding). It's so sad to see the look on their little faces every morning when they hope I'll pull another toy out of those magic socks for them...

Alas, un-Christmas only comes once a year, even if my house tells you otherwise.

But I'll be back very soon, and with a huge announcement.

Hello Pastor!

2007-03-11T13:52:00.000-06:00

I needed a good laugh today and this audio from Ship of Fools provided more than one:

Hello pastor

Make sure you keep listening to the very end.

(The kinda scary thing is that this probably is not a one-time thing for pastors. If you have a pastor, make sure they know you appreciate them.)

Spirituality and the queer community

2007-03-08T11:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the priviledge of speaking in a college class about my journey and the intersection of sexuality and faith. I'm part of a speaker's bureau at three colleges that share a campus here in Denver, so occasionally I get called and asked to be a part of a panel of speakers. Usually we try to have a representation of all of the letters in GLBT (so far they haven't been able to get a Q or an I - if Q stands for questioning). I'm obviously the L in the alphabet soup.

Even though I usually end up having to decline paid work in order to do these panels and presentations, it always feels worth it to me when it's over. There is usually a lot of diversity in our stories, which is interesting for me to hear, and good for the students. Telling our stories is one of the most powerful things we can do to bring about a change in beliefs or attitudes. Yesterday I presented with a woman who grew up in the Catholic church and is now a bi Pagan. It was interesting to see where our stories diverged (often wildly) and where they overlapped. I presented my story of growing up in a fundamentalist, pentecostal family, my coming out, my ex-gay experiences (which always fascinates the students), and my eventual re-coming out (which Peterson describes as actually coming to his senses, and that resonates with me).

One of the things I always try to talk about is my hope that in the future, queer folks will be able to reconcile their spirituality (whatever that looks like for them) with their sexuality. When I first came out, I was so angry with the church. I felt like I was a sinner (even though I hadn't done anything), and I didn't know what to do with all of it. I knew I couldn't hide anymore, and I couldn't pretend that I wasn't gay. I cut off this huge piece of myself in order to not have to deal with all the emotions and the hurt and anger. The problem is that our spirituality is not some little separate part of ourselves. It weaves in and out of all the other stuff, and informs our values, our sense of ourselves and our view on the world and others.

One student asked why she sees some of her friends who finally come out get right into alcohol or drugs or promiscuity. I think there are many factors to that. I mentioned the overwhelming experiences in coming out, that many people don't know how to deal with emotionally. They do a lot to run from pain. I mentioned that there was a point for me where I thought "well, if everyone thinks I am so horrible, and sinning by doing nothing but being attracted to women, then I might as well do whatever I want--It's not like anyone could think worse of me at this point." But I think maybe one of the biggest contributors is a sense of not being welcome anywhere else and not having a connection to the spirituality or the God they may have grown up with. I think perhaps we don't realize how much of ourselves we disown when we are disowned by the Church, and how in our hurt and anger we lose something that is an important part of ourselves.

It's one of the reasons, I suppose, that I so heavily promote gaychristian.net, and why I am still so involved there. I think the queer community would be a healthier community if people would be able to find their way back to their faith traditions, or at least connect with the spirit inside them. I think things are slowly heading in that direction, though, and it gives me a lot of hope for the future.

Friendship, love and acceptance

2007-02-28T19:58:00.000-07:00

It's a weird thing to call up a friend and he says, "Sorry, I can only talk for about four minutes because I'm about to go on national television here in a sec." Um. OK. I'm such an underachiever. I was still in my pajamas, watching a movie. But I'm glad for the opportunities that he and others have had recently to tell their stories of time in the ex-gay movement.

In other news, I just got back from a trip to California to visit some folks who have been a bit of surrogate family to me on and off throughout the years. I first lived with Joe and Cheryl (and their baby boy) for 6 weeks when I had just turned 17 and we had been in frequent contact until I moved to Santa Cruz. But even after that I would stop by their retail store whenever I went home for a weekend.

However, we've not been in touch since I moved to Denver in 1998 to start my ex-gay life. When I moved here, I consciously made a choice to leave everything behind. I only had two friends that knew how to get in touch with me, and one of them (my best friend) didn't even know I'd moved here to become ex-gay. Everyone else was told that I'd e-mail them with contact info when I arrived, but I never did.

In 2003-ish, Cheryl sent me two e-mails and I never responded. She ended up being a casualty of my confusion about being ex-gay and struggling with my faith. I didn't want to talk to anyone who was a Christian, and I didn't want her to be disappointed in me, since she was one of the few people who knew why I moved here.

Fast forward to the end of this year when she found out I had a blog and sent me an e-mail. We've been talking ever since and I decided that I needed to see them in person.

The tricky thing about our relationship is that she's a Christian and believes that homosexual behavior is a sin. I obviously don't. She's a very strong and outspoken Christian and I am not a Christian in the way that most Christians are (I am not sure how to explain this and was asked in a response to another post; and will attempt some sort of explanation soon). She thinks I'm wrong about some things that are very important to me, and I think she's wrong about stuff that is very important to her.

However, she is also one of the most loving and accepting people I have ever met in my life, hands down. She will talk to anyone and everyone and make them feel like they are the most important person right at that moment. She gives with one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen.

But it's still hard to navigate this. I want to be loved unconditionally, and I want to be able to give unconditional love. It is hard to have someone think I am wrong. To talk about my life and feel like they are disapproving. But I have my own disagreements with some of her core beliefs and sometimes our conversations end up being along the lines of "I know you don't agree with this, but..." and the other one saying, "You're right, I don't agree with that."

Some people in tricky relationships like these declare certain topics off-limits. The problem though is what you do when the topics are such a large part of who you are. Sometimes it just seems too hard to figure out. Other times it seems fine. But I don't want her to leave out some of her life, and I won't leave out mine anymore (been there, done that, not interested in going back there).

The trip, though, was great and we had a ton of fun (went to the city one day and hung out on the Haight, did the fisherman's wharf thing and the ocean). It was also a bit emotionally draining for all of us. It's a lot to try to figure out and we definitely had more than one tense conversation. But we also had a lot of fun and good times, a lot of closeness, hugs, and time in the hot tub (oh, and In 'N' Out burger too!)

Anyway, if anyone has any helpful thoughts or tips on navigating this, I'd appreciate it. It's a relationship that means the world to me, and I want to be as respectful, accepting and loving as I possibly can, and yet I don't want to ever be in the position of censoring or defending myself again.

Holding both truths

2007-02-15T21:08:00.000-07:00

I wrote this at gaychristian.net today, but thought I'd cross-post it here. It's probably stuff I've covered on my blog before, but it deserves a repeat. The post I was responding to was saying that people were very negative about ex-gay ministries and this person felt censored in attempting to report their positive experience with ex-gay ministries. My response:

I believe that I have posted elsewhere that I did receive some benefit from ex-gay therapy. I worked through some important issues, and reconciled my own sense of myself and my femininity. I am very happy for those things, but overall my ex-gay experiences left me very damaged. I am still working through all the pain from those years and the aftermath. But I have no problem saying that there were good things that did come out of it.

I have even posted about and defended (elseweb) the ministry in Denver I used to attend. In fact, I still consider myself friends with one of the staff and have had some wonderful, open discussion with the ministry founder (who incidentally told me about an affirming congregation I could attend if I were so inclined - not the typical image people think of when they think of an ex-gay leader).

Recently I had the priviledge of meeting someone who had been a very influential person in my decision to do the ex-gay thing. I hold no ill will, and in fact was thrilled to meet her. She is someone that I deeply respect and admire, even though we disagree on some things.

I've never felt censored in saying these things on GCN, but perhaps the difference is that I do talk about the damaging effects, and honestly would never recommend someone go to one of these ministries. I will tell people, if you feel like you fit the ex-gay profile (i.e., have issues in your life that you feel might contribute to you being gay, or just issues you feel you need to resolve - child abuse, sexual addiction, not feeling comfortable with yourself, etc), by all means seek out therapy with a qualified counselor.

For me, I was glad that I resolved these issues, and I am definitely a very different person than the one who moved to Denver in 1998 to become ex-gay. But if I had to do it over (knowing what I know now), I would have gone about it much differently.

Oh, and by the way, after all these many years of therapy, different groups and programs and classes, as well as much prayer and praise and worship, exorcisms, and helping friends and pastors (along with a fervent desire to be pleasing to God and submit myself to his will and allow deep healing work), I am much more well-adjusted and happy in my own skin, but still gay.

Quickly...

2007-02-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm not dead. I've just been working on a work project that's keeping me really busy (not that I am complaining about the work, mind you). I just surfaced for a few minutes to update this since a few people had expressed concern.

A big highlight for me in the past few weeks is a concert I attended Friday night with a friend who flew in just to go with me...

I found a link with some info for the show a few nights before...but this'll give you an idea of what it was. Lyle Lovett (the Godhead in my music trinity), John Hiatt, Joe Ely and Guy Clark on a stage together just playing guitars and singing. And I had fourth row seats, sitting about 20 feet away from Lyle Lovett (close enough to see his feet tapping when the other guys were singing, and every expression on his face). It was absolutely amazing, and I don't think I can ever go to another concert because it won't ever be as good as this.

Back to work. Will do a Real Update™ as soon as I can.

One of the only things I know for sure

2007-01-21T19:29:00.000-07:00

I got another e-mail yesterday.

I get these every so often. E-mails from old friends that I used to go to church with. Friends of the family who see my e-mail address on someone's group e-mails. People who know I moved to Denver to do the ex-gay thing but lost touch several years ago.

And they want to know what's going on with me. They tell me about their family and kids (kids whose diapers I've changed and they're now in college). They give me MySpace names. They tell me about their churches and ministries. They ask about my life.

What do I say?

A while back, I was driving down the road and happened to see an old friend, Tim, out working in his backyard.

Tim and his family were more than just friends to me. This was a family that in many ways adopted me when I was making the transition from gay to ex-gay and then, hopefully, to straight. They prayed many hours for me. They held me while I cried. They took me into their home on many occasions when I needed a place to just be. I spent holidays with them.

Oddly enough, we'd met at the first church I'd attended here in Colorado. Then I left and started at another one, two doors from their front door. After they were asked to leave our former church, they ended up at my church. I subsequently moved on to another church (although not because I was trying to get rid of them, which we always joked about). Our relationship survived all these church moves and upheaval, including a period of time where I was still friends with the pastors of the former church and each family was so hurt by the other that I couldn't mention the others' names.

Our relationship didn't survive me no longer being an ex-gay or no longer going to church or identifying as a Christian, though.

Not that they shunned me. I saw them about a year or so after I'd told them that I was finally for sure done with the ex-gay thing. I saw them at the funeral of Tim's sister and they were so happy to see me, and comforted, I think, by the fact that I'd come. I knew they cared about me deeply.

And I knew then, a year ago, and I know now that they still care about me. But it's with a broken heart. It's with a burden for my salvation. It's with a sense that I've failed, or perhaps they've failed me.

So when I drove down the road and caught Tim out of the corner of my eye, I flipped a U-turn, and stopped at the house. We spent about an hour sitting in the shade of the backyard, just catching each other up on our lives. I was matter-of-fact about mine. I'd just come from being on a panel at a community college on human sexuality, and I talked about that a bit. I talked about my blog. I talked about my cats.

It was nice, just catching up and hearing what the whole family had been up to. I got to see their daughter who was like a younger sister to me. (I used to say that she thought the sun rose and set in my backyard. And for a few years for her, I think it did. And I liked that.) It turns out she is going to intern at Ted Haggard's former church after graduation (this was before the Ted Haggard debacle, although I suppose that hasn't changed her plans). I wasn't entirely sure what to say about that, but encouraged her in her future plans all the same.

As I was leaving, I said to Tim, "It's hard when everyone thinks I'm a failure. That I've failed."

He nodded somberly.

"But I didn't fail," I said, quietly. "I'm not a failure."

He nodded his head, I think, and gave me a hug. But he didn't deny that people (our formerly mutual friends and church family) think I'm a failure. He is not one to lie, and I appreciate that about him.

So, back to the e-mail of yesterday. These are friends of the family. Missionaries. YWAM folks. People who had reached out to me during a very troubled time in my early 20s, and again when I was making the move to Denver to be ex-gay. I wrote them, "I can't remember when the last time was that we corresponded - I suspect a long time ago. I probably still identified as ex-gay then. I can't remember. Anyway, I don't anymore. I'm gay, end of story. Never changed; can't imagine I ever will. Just thought I'd put that out there since so many people wonder and are not sure how to broach the topic."

I want people to know about my life, and I certainly want to be honest and out, and I know they want to ask (and I don't want to go several e-mails with them fishing for the information). I would rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. The problem though with this crowd, is not so much being hated, but of them being so saddened over my life, and so filled with grief about where I am now in my journey.

But I don't feel like being a project or participating in this game where I can never be on a level playing field with them. I don't want everyone to learn their life lessons about "Loving the Homosexual" with me. I did enough of that when I was ex-gay and constantly having to teach people in churches what that meant, and didn't, and how they could help me (or more to the point, how what they were doing was in fact not helping, but hurting).

I'm done. And yet, these are people I care (cared?) about. And I know in most cases the feeling is mutual. And I am not sure how to have relationships with these folks and have it be anything mutually fulfilling. Are there many evangelical/fundamentalist Christians out there that even know how to have a relationship with a former Christian without feeling superior or like there is a soul in need of rescuing? I know two or three but that about it, and it is so hard to always hope.

Anyway, at this point, all I really know for sure is that I'm not a failure.

And I'll put off checking my e-mail again until tomorrow.

The Truth about Exodus and Youth

2007-01-13T17:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Peterson posted about Exodus and their affiliated ministres that work with youth. He writes:

On June 26, 2006 I initially left voice messages for Alan Chambers of Exodus International and another national ex-gay leader about inappropriate incidents that affected youth at an Exodus member ministry. I will not go into the details at this time, but I shared three specific situations that happened within the previous year. The shocking details of the third situation compelled me to contact Alan and this other national leader. In my initial messages I said that I would rather discuss this privately, but if they did not wish to talk, then I would initiate a public discussion.

He detailed how he's been in conversation with Alan Chambers of Exodus about putting into place ministry guidelines that protect youth. While Alan originally seemed to be on board with policy changes and new requirements, he did not make good on his word to Peterson. Peterson continues:

Alan said that the new requirements for Exodus member ministries will go into effect in at the beginning of 2007 and will be done in a public way. I pressed Alan to consider putting them into effect sooner, but he said that he had to meet with the board about it all first.
[snip]
I since followed up with Alan and his assistant through an e-mail containing the draft of this blog entry. I have gotten no further response and as far as I know, and I have seen no evidence of new guidelines being published.

Peterson has followed up with some clarification about the incidents that took place, as well as his Quaker views and how they inform his handling of this entire situation and his dialog with Exodus. He ends with this:

Alan has the power to keep young people from being harmed under his watch. He shared that he will bring forth new guidelines that will protect youth. I believe these should minimally include:

1. Complete separation of youth and adult participants at all Exodus member programs and Exodus sponsored events.
2. Full background checks for all staff working with youth.
3. No youth should be enrolled in a program against his or her will.

If nothing else it this just good business and lowers their liability, but much more importantly it shows a genuine love and respect for these young people.

Indeed. Exodus constantly claims that it acts out of love, and that it believes in self-determination (I guess unless you're under 18 or are being pressured by your parents because you're an adult but they hold the purse strings).

There has since appeared a post on Ex-gay Watch entitled "Who is Telling the Truth about Misconduct in the Exodus Programs?". My money would be on Peterson. Who has the history of truth-telling and who has the history of obfuscation and deliberate mistruths?

A very white Christmas

2007-01-02T21:00:00.000-07:00

Realized I should blog a couple of pics from the great blizzard of ought six in Colorado. Where I lived we got two feet in less than 24 hours, the 7th biggest blizzard in Colorado.

This is from my upstairs window...I kept watching my truck getting more buried by the hour.

Snow accumulating in the backyard. I can't get out this way because the gate opens out and has tons of snow on the other side.

The blizzard started on Wednesday. This is me on Thursday afternoon trying to figure out how to get out of the house to shovel. I think my hat was falling off - I am not sure my head is that tall and pointy. Fortunately, I've never replaced the screen in the front screen door.

Not everyone in Denver was so lucky as to have their very own SUV island on their street. There were abandoned cars all over the city, and many on my street. This one was abandoned right in the middle of the road, and the owners didn't come get it (or maybe the city moved it) until Saturday night. So the plows just went around it and so did all the drivers.

The backyard today.

>^..^<

2006-12-31T22:14:00.000-07:00

Well, being that it's the end of the year and all, I feel like I should write something profound. It's been an interesting year and sometimes things just don't always go the way you want. That's probably all I have to say about that. (='.'=)

I'm going to now illustrate this with a photo set of Max and Sophie (I'm thinking of turning this into a flip-book).

Stay in line

2006-12-30T20:40:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...I'm pretty happy that 2006 is almost over. Happy New Year to all of you. It seems that many people I know are looking forward to a new year.

I have a splitting headache but had to interrupt feeling sorry for myself so that I could post this.

I bought this sign a few days ago as a Christmas present to myself:

Seriously, how could I pass that up?

You don't think I'm weird, do you?

2006-12-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

So...it appears that I have been tagged for this "6 weird things about you" questionnaire that is going 'round the net. Well, at least around in my circles. Around in circles. Around circles. Round circles. Hmmm. Anyway.

Sorry my answers are long. That's, like, a weird thing about me. How much I write, when a shorter answer would easily suffice. Consider it a freebie. However, on to the real list:

1. I have food allergies, regular allergies, car sickness, claustrophobia...etc. So a dinner out with me means no Asian food and picking through the menu (and asking lots of questions or making special requests), I have to sit in the front seat of the car, I have to sit on the outside of the booth...and so on. I'm like that kid at camp who always had to be in the nurse station and came with an enormous shoebox full of pills. That's pretty much me.

2. I think that my cats are Jewish (God's way of trying to get folks of different religions, or different flavors of Christianity to get along). I also think they are nearly human, and understand what I say to them.

3. I often anthropomorphize inanimate objects. So if something falls down, I sometimes feel sorry for it. I also think my truck has feelings. Sometimes I don't want to get rid of something because I don't want to hurt its feelings (you know, like that old vase I am giving to goodwill - I don't want it to feel hurt because I've replaced it).

4. Sometimes I think I have a hearing problem (but I really don't - I can hear just fine, especially when I don't want to). I am so visually oriented that I find it hard to listen to audio books and I always watch movies with subtitles or closed-captioning on. When someone tells me something, I often have to see the words spelled out in my head. I often look at people's mouths when they talk, and if I am not looking at their mouth, or not looking at them directly, I occasionally seem to not be able to hear them, or catch words. Sometimes when I hear people talking, I think they aren't speaking in English. But they are. But then again, sometimes when I accidently switch to the Spanish channel (I suck at foreign languages, so I don't know Spanish), I will listen to it for a minute, and not realize it is not English. I think that's pretty weird, don't you?

5. I have a serious problem remembering my right from my left, and often will think "I pledge allegiance to the flag" so that I can think which hand is my right hand (no, that "L" shape hand thing doesn't work for me; because if you have a problem with right and left, why the heck would you remember off the top of your head which way the "L" is supposed to go?). So when I give you directions, if I say left, I might really mean right. But sometimes I might say left and really mean left, right?

6. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because I will start thinking about words that shouldn't go together, or words that do go together, but individually don't make sense, or seem strange, or words that seem spelled wrong, or alliterative words, or weird questions that suddenly bother me, or big long run-on sentences that I create in my head just like this one. Also I envision long sentences with lots of big words, or a string of small words (and lots of parenthetical statements).

So, that's pretty much it. I'm weird. But so are you, probably (although I bet you don't say the beginning of the pledge of allegiance to yourself when you are giving someone directions).

I'm not going to tag anyone...because...everyone I know is pretty much doing this (or has done it). But if you've not been tagged and would like to tag yourself...go for it.

Some Old Testament fun in a bag...

2006-12-10T11:26:00.000-07:00

It's from Judaism.com but I think it would make the perfect Christmas gift for some fundy kids out there...Hey, I mean, I dressed up as a leper one halloween. I can totally see myself playing with this:

A bag of plush toy plagues!

I have to find more stuff to sell so I can buy this for my nephews! I love the thought of little J. and E. fighting over "An icky boil on a piece of flesh!"