Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Left behind

Sorry for the blogging absence. I've been living life and having a great time.

However, I've been meaning to share this with you all so that you can have some instructions in case of rapture. This was left on my truck last week.
What To Do In Case You Miss The Rapture?
1. Stay calm and do not panic.
2. Realize that you are now living in the Great Tribulation.
3. Pray like you have never prayed before in your life. Start by repenting for your sins.
4. Do not take the mark at any cost.
5. Set a plan in motion for survival.
6. Trust no one.
7. Watch for the Antichrist.
8. Don't give up hope!
There's also some other information about who exactly will be raptured.
The shocking effect about the Rapture is that many professing Christians will be left behind, while those very few who have been diligent in wearing their white robes (Revelation 19:7-8) will have been raptured and be with Jesus. Follow Jesus' instruction of the Christian life (Matthew 5-7) [These are the most important passages for those truly prepared for the return of Jesus Christ].
I'm assuming "white robes" does not refer to these kind.

I also shouldn't neglect the information provided about the Mark of the Beast. Here are some excerpts:
It is crucial to understand that the decision to take the mark of the beast involves some form of a pledge of allegiance to the Antichrist...This pledge of allegiance will mean that individuals accept the Beast's system of government, finance, and religion.
I remember being so scared of the rapture and of the tribulation when I was a kid. I would worry myself to tears about not being able to buy food without the "666" tattood on my forehead or hand or wherever. At the tender age of nine, I even remember asking my brother what would happen to us if we didn't take the mark of the beast and couldn't buy food. Older and wiser at seventeen, he somberly told me that he felt that God had given him his job at Albertson's as a grocery bagger so that we would be able to get food without having to take the mark. This comforted me until he quit that job and joined the Air Force within the next year.

I was also worried about the rapture happening and missing it. I would pray frequently for Jesus to come into my heart again, just in case it didn't "stick" the previous time. If I came home from school and my mom wasn't in the house, I would call the church and if someone answered, I'd hang up, relieved. I believed that the church secretary would surely be included in the rapture, so if she was there, I was still safe!

On a related note, I've been enjoying reading Slacktivist's Left Behind commentary. Not only does it analyze the fine writing and plot of the book, but it also has some thought-provoking commentary.


  1. What a post! I laughed, I cried, it was better than CATS!

    Really you brought up tender memories for me and you made me laugh all in one. Well done.

  2. I second what Peterson said. It took me a few seconds to get the joke of the picture (My first thought was, "Crap, now they're selling boxers?! When will the Left Behind Marketing Campaign end?). But once I noticed where the words were strategically placed, I hooted with laughter.

    And yes, you brought up some tender memories for me, as well. I always worried that I would get raptured naked in the shower (after becoming a Christian--you know, the time I knew for sure it finally "stuck"). Before I was a Christian, though, just growing up in as the occasional church-goer, I actually heard precious little about the Rapture, thank God. Hell was scary enough!

  3. So much stupid and unnecessary fear.

    I'm smiling, though, at the cleverness of your calling to check if the church secretary was there!

  4. Welcome back! I love the shorts...

  5. I can still picture the movie playing in our church... "A Thief in the Night". It was filled with some efective, not-quite-as-good-as-porn acting, cheesy 70's sideburns, and of course, Larry Norman's "You've Been Left Behind".

    It's so funny. Up until the age of about 17, if I said or did ANYTHING wrong, I would turn on the local christian radio sataion to listen for a DJ. If they played 3 or 4 songs back to back, I'd call in to the prayer line, and hang up after experiencing the relief of hearing a voice on the other end.

    Those were the days...

  6. oh man! SeƱor Jefe - I saw that movie too as a kid!

    Here's the lyrics to that song...
    It used to just give me chills as a kid and was very popular in our Christian circle:

    Life was filled with guns and war
    And everyone got trampled on the floor
    I wish we'd all been ready

    Children died the day grew cold
    A piece of bread could buy a bag of gold
    I wish we'd all been ready

    Theres no time to change your mind
    The son has come and youve been left behind

    A man and wife sleep in bed she hears a noise
    And turns her head he's gone
    I wish we'd all been ready

    Two men walking up a hill one disappears and
    One's left standing still
    I wish we'd all been ready

    There's no time to change your mind
    The son has come and you've been left behind
    Life was filled with guns and war
    And everyone got trampled on the floor
    I wish we'd all been ready
    Children died the days grew cold
    A piece of bread could buy a bag of gold
    I wish we'd all been ready

    Theres no time to change your mind
    How could you have been so blind
    The father spoke the demons dined
    The son has come and you've been left behind.

    Good times!

    Jeez, no wonder I was scared...

  7. I was like senor jefe as well. If mom and dad were gone too long doing whatever, I would start calling around to people I "knew" would be christians just to make sure they were still around.
    It's not a good idea to scare the bejeebees out of children.

    That whole mark iv production of thief in the night is just plain fun to watch. now.

    But I was feelin' ya Christine.

  8. Pay close attention, profundity knocks at the door, listen for the key.

    So... if profundity has the key, why does it have to knock at the door?

    Buddy, your post reminded me I'm getting low on Dr. Bronner's shampoo. Dilute! Dilute!

  9. seven star hand--I can't wait for the movie! It sounds exciting; a sure-fire summer block-buster!

  10. Christine-
    If you would like more letters, here they are, in case you are bored.

  11. Great post, kid!

    I still remember a church Christmas play about the Rapture; yes, our plays really communicated that holiday joy. It featured, among other things, a dream sequence including a beheading - with the head portrayed by one of those old Barbie styling heads (or maybe it was just a styrofoam wig's hard to recall through all the PTSD terror). I was about 11 at the time, and I got to play a saint marching into heaven during the dream sequence. My mom, on the other hand, played the evil lady who forced people to take the Mark of the Beast. Poor Mom.

    And ah, yes, A Thief in the Night. They never showed that one at our church, and by the time I finally saw it just a few years ago, the scariest thing about it was - yeah, probably that acting. I do remember a church showing of this one, though: (Notice it's a "Fundamental Top 500" site!)

    I was in my early teens by then, but I suppose I was already enough of a little film snob that the movie's atrocious production values mitigated its evangelistic effectiveness for me. For one thing, the Biblical characters had Mississippi accents - which is probably to be expected when the whole thing is produced by someone named Estus Pirkle. But those $1.99 special effects and gore (I recollect one scene with maggots, and another with the helmeted head of a decapitated hippie motorcyclist; people sure were losing their heads back then!) really scared the hell out of the less sophisticated filmgoers among us - mostly 8-year-olds. Of course this was before the days of CGI, the Internet, and such; kids weren't as jaded or worldly-wise as they are now. (Yes, I said "worldly." Bwahaha.)

    And long before Left Behind, there was a book called Raptured! by bewigged faith healer/televangelist Ernest Angley - whose TV show used to be a great source of amusement for us church kids when we were teenagers. I remember that book (originally published in the '50s, I think) being passed around our congregation like a bad case of head lice. I think everyone read it. It scared me to pieces as a kid. I looked at a copy again years later, and realized that it makes the Left Behind series look like Proust. Check out the reviews on Amazon:

    Tragically, it's now out of print, but if you want to check it out sometime, let me know. I still have an old copy around here somewhere. Hard to get rid of great literature, y'know.

    And don't forget to sign up here, so your family and friends get an update when you disappear:

    Yikes, sorry this was so long - nearly as long as a Pentecostal sermon!