Peterson is in town for the weekend (picture coming soon), so we had a great time over dinner with two friends. After I dropped him off at his hotel, a friend texted and asked if I wanted to go to a local lesbian bar. I've been there a whole other two times in the last 7 years, and since I happened to be driving right by it, I went. Since I almost never go out, I think my friends about keeled over in shock. The big news in all of this? I danced tonight for the first time in my life. I guess I'm going to have to change the "who we are" page on bXg to reflect this. I didn't quite make it onto the dance floor, but I'm almost there.
I'm still realizing the extent of the disconnect and fear of my body, and this was even before my time as an ex-gay.
But the times they are a-changin'
I love my new sense of freedom and accepting my body for what it is. I'm certainly still on a journey with that, but I'm moving forward, and that's the good news.
I still refused to get on the dance floor tonight (that's one of the problems with not drinking...it's not always easy to lose inhibitions), and had about five people pulling me onto it. I was able to cleverly jump through a gap in a railing to get back on the sidelines (ha, I don't know what to call it). I promised that next week I will get out there.
I'm so excited about my future. This is just a small thing, but is part of a whole package of feeling good about who I am, and joy about whom I'm becoming.
Congratulations, Christine...I'm glad you had fun! I feel like I'm right there with you, especially this part: I'm so excited about my future. This is just a small thing, but is part of a whole package of feeling good about who I am, and joy about whom I'm becoming. Becoming is such a liberating experience, isn't it? Maybe that's what makes it so scary sometimes...
ReplyDeleteIt is so nice to be able to be yourself. After fifty years I am finally free. Do you know I never went out to dinner except when my parents dragged me, now I go out all the time. I never went to a play, now I am going two or three times a year. I have done more thing and gone to more places in the last five years then in the previous fifty.
ReplyDeletethat's so cool to hear about Christine...i know what it's like to be disconnected from your body. i'm on the journey as well to accepting my body, all part of it. even the uncorrdinated parts that can't dance. :) it's good to hear about the freedom you are experiencing!
ReplyDelete~ Shelly Cox
It made me smile to see that you are, ever so slowly, dancing into a new life!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much all - for those of you who don't like in the Denver area, I think you all just need to come out here and we can dance together!
ReplyDeleteI'm still waiting for when I'll go dancing - anywhere - maybe I should start drinking? But I somehow don't think my arms & legs will be any better connected drunk than they are now...
ReplyDeleteHey Christine--
ReplyDeleteYour blog is amazing, and I hope I can come back here sometime to read more. I'm Christian (and heterosexual), and I think that stories like yours are EXACTLY what the Christian community needs right now. I could write another 20 pages on this idea, but I'll let it go until I know more of your story...
Anyhow, I'm a dancer, and as part of that, I believe SO strongly in the need to feel comfortable in one's body. I completely empathize with your not wanting to go out on the dance floor--but it breaks my heart, too! There are tons of body awareness kinds of classes out there that can change your life in that regard--personally, if you are not comfortable moving a lot or letting other people see you move, I would look into Feldenkrais classes in your area (I'm sure there are some). Dr. Moshe Feldenkrais was an Israeli brain surgeon that was disabled in a battle in World War II, and he used the same movement patterns that babies learn when they are infants to teach himself to walk again. He went on to teach tens of thousands of people, from rape victims (who often report the same "out of their body" feelings you did) to children born with cognitive defects to just normal neurotic office workers. The classes are usually very short--30 to 50 minutes--and involve no more moving that exploring how to bend your knee to your waist or something of that sort. The classes are very gentle and ALL about reconnecting with your own body--most of them either take place on your back or your stomach. No stress!
Anyhow, just a suggestion, because having survived some trauma of my own, the Feldenkrais classes I've taken have really changed my view of myself for the better. I hope you can do a little research into it--everyone deserves to love and be comfortable with themselves, and with their bodies in motion!
~Laura~
Hi!
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across your blog (via Glamour.com, strangely). I write for the blog Quench (http://quenchzine.blogspot.com), with a bunch of queer people and allies from the Boston area. I think your story is very compelling, and I wish you the best of luck.
I also love dancing (and clubbing!), so I'm glad to hear you're having fun!