Thursday, October 06, 2005

Speaking out

I'm in the middle of preparing a presentation for my Womyn's Circle at the Denver GLBT center on National Coming Out Day. It was going to be the first time I would be telling a bit of my story in public, except that I beat myself to it by going on the John McMullen Show rather unexpectedly last week and telling my story on his Sirius OutQ radio show! That was completely unplanned, but gave me the boost I needed to move forward with this blog, among other things.

I have felt so passionate about speaking out lately. And I've really been wanting to be more out in my day-to-day life as well. In the last week I've told my acupuncturist (after seeing him every week for a year, he's beginning to feel something like a friend), and I've also directed a coworker to my blog. After so many years of hiding behind ambiguity, I just want to be real and authentic. One of the biggest negative consequences of my time as an ex-gay was the shame I internalized.

In church, I always felt so broken (a word I definitely internalized from my time as an ex-gay) and felt like I would never be at the same level as everyone else. I was, of course, forgiven (just like murderers and thieves), and also loved (because God had miraculously given people the ability to love someone like me). In all the "forgiveness" and "love" out there for my "brokenness" it was a constant reminder to me of my inherent inferiority.

On the other hand, out in the real world, I couldn't be honest about being ex-gay and pursuing change, because I thought most people would find that really ridiculous. So I've lived the past 6 years being vague about my life, being ambiguous and asexual.

That's just not good enough for me anymore. I want to live my life and be who I am, and be proud of what I've come through and what I've learned. So now it's time to step out of the dark and into the light. And in the process, I hope to illuminate some of the dark places in the ex-gay movement as well. Truth will always rise above. Of that I'm convinced.

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