Apology Accepted

As former leaders of ex-gay ministries, we apologize to those individuals and families who believed our message that there is something inherently wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender. Some who heard our message were compelled to try to change an integral part of themselves, bringing harm to themselves and their families. Although we acted in good faith, we have since witnessed the isolation, shame, fear, and loss of faith that this message creates. We apologize for our part in the message of broken truth we spoke on behalf of Exodus and other organizations.

We call on other former ex-gay leaders to join the healing and reconciliation process by adding their names to this apology.

We encourage current leaders of ex-gay programs to have the courage to evaluate the fruit of their programs. We ask them to consider the long-term effects of their ministry.
— Darlene Bogle
— Michael Bussee
— Jeremy Marks

Today I witnessed and accepted this unprecedented apology from three former ex-gay leaders.

Darlene Bogle was the founder and director of Paraklete Ministries, an Exodus referral in Hayward California. She was also the assisting pastor of the Foursquare church where the ministry was based. As an Exodus leader, she traveled the country, speaking and appearing on many national television shows.

Michael Bussee was one of the originators of the ex-gay movement. In the mid-1970s, he co-founded the Ex-gay Intervention Team (EXIT) and later hosted an unprecedented conference of ex-gay ministries at which a handful of ministry leaders, along with approximately 60 delegates, voted to form a loose coalition called EXODUS.

Jeremy Marks is a British evangelical Christian who founded an ex-gay ministry called Courage UK in 1988. He eventually became the President of Exodus International Europe and served on the board of Exodus International.

All three of them are now living out and proud, and all have concluded that while they always had the best interests of those who struggled with unwanted homosexuality at heart, they have never personally witnessed anyone change their orientation. Jeremy Marks took steps to transform his change ministry into one of support and love for GLBT Christians.

Today they made history by gathering in Los Angeles at the GLBT center for a press conference where they issued the above statement after telling their stories. It’s the first time that former leaders have publicly come together to apologize for their part in the ex-gay movement.

Peterson, Eric, Dan Gonzales and I received and accepted the apology on behalf of former ex-gays who feel that their ex-gay experiences caused more harm then good. As we stood next to the former leaders, we witnessed them each sign the apology. They turned and presented it to our group, and we accepted the letter.

What I didn’t count on was the emotion I felt when I reached out to accept the letter. Sometimes these kind of symbolic gestures can feel staged, but it made an emotional impact on me and I felt myself tearing up as we shook hands and hugged Darlene, Michael and Jeremy. It was moving and healing to hear an apology for the harm and damaging messages that I received. I hope the healing will continue as other former ex-gays read this apology. My hope is also that other former ex-gay leaders will start to step forward as well. Thank you, Darlene, Michael, and Jeremy.

Exodus dinner invitation Q&A

Since I spent a bit of time answering some questions on Warren Throckmorton's blog about our dinner invitation to Exodus, I thought I'd post them here as well.

Eddy writes,

I have trouble with this meeting for several reasons.

1) I find it in bad taste, to say the least, to invite someone to an event when you already know they have a prior committment. (Friday dinner and evening meeting are usually important parts of Exodus conference schedule.)

2) If ‘no press’, ‘no cameras’ at this newsworthy and well-hyped event, just how will we find out what transpired? Any reports on this event are doomed to be slanted–whether by Beyond Ex-Gay or by someone from Exodus who attends.

3) How many delegates (including some of rank) would it take for Beyond Ex-Gay to feel (and report) that they’d ‘been heard’?
4) From the invite, it doesn’t sound like a dialogue forum. Sounds like “you sit there while we tell you how you hurt us”. That could make the dinner difficult to digest.

Under the circumstances, I’d be suprised if ANYONE from Exodus opted for this evening’s festivities over their own.

My response is as follows:

Hi Eddy. Perhaps I can attempt to answer some of your questions.

1. I checked with two Exodus folks and their conference schedule, to make sure there were no leadership meetings that were scheduled that night (of course, we weren’t able to ask Alan or Randy about the details of their schedules, but we did take care to try to confirm that there wasn’t any kind of special event or Ex-Gay Leader meetings planned). But of course we are not privy to any “off the record” events. In addition, since our conference is only over the weekend, we are not able to meet earlier in the week. We had no desire to plan something when the leaders can not attend.

2. Both Peterson and I have private conversations with a few folks involved in Exodus at different levels, and we don’t talk about these discussions publicly. Because of that, we have all (both sides) been able to discuss our lives and many of these matters in a respectful way. Our goal is not to make this “an event”, but to just tell our stories, so they can hear what they often miss by not conducting any aftercare or follow-up on participants.

3. We have conceived this dinner with the thought that we would like to share some of our stories, because they are so seldom heard by the ex-gay crowd, but it is not about us getting an emotional or psychological need met. If there are only a few people who attend, we would still like to have the dinner. It is not about the numbers, but about being seen as real people too, and not just “protesters,” and perhaps we will make some small difference. Even Alan is now becoming public with his thoughts on what change really means, and that is definitely a step in the right direction. We are wanting honesty and some thought about certain practices or prevailing theories, so as not to cause harm to the (by Exodus’ calculations) 70% of individuals who do not succeed to consider themselves or their behavior as ex-gay.

4. I think it will not be an easy thing for leaders to go to this dinner. I don’t imagine them saying “oh goody, this sounds like fun!” I instead imagine they are not looking for a good time in attending. In our letter we state that we believe they intended to do us good, and we acknowledge that they wanted to help. Peterson and I have also been clear about the fact that some good has come out of our experiences, even though we feel on the whole that we experienced more harm than good.

I think it will be a fruitful experience, and I hope that one of my friends will be in attendance. He’s someone I care about and we have a good relationship in spite of being on different sides on this issue. With that in mind, I do not wish for this to be a dinner that will bash folks or have an angry feel. While we have legitimate hurt and concern, I would not want to treat any leader differently than I treat my ex-gay friend. I think if folks spend even a little bit of time on our site they can see the specific tone that Peterson and I have set, and it is not one of projecting (contrary to what Randy Thomas has asserted), bashing, or denigrating ex-gays. While you are worried about potential “slants” on the issue, I think that there are many who are reading into our letter a lot that is not there.

I hope this helps answer some questions.

For those who have questioned our releasing the invitation publicly, here is a response I recently sent to someone:
One of the reasons we went public with the invitation (and we did have much discussion about this) is because we feared the information would not be passed along to the leaders invited (we do not have contact information for many of the leaders, and would have had to rely solely on Exodus for forwarding the information on). We wanted to try to get the invitation into the hands of the individual leaders. And, as you can see from the recent Focus on the Family Citizenlink article, they are already trying to discount our conference by calling it a protest, and Randy Thomas has publicly stated that we are denying people hope, and trying to project our experiences onto them, which is not the case. This has been the unfortunate history of some of these communications as they get presented in a slanted manner, and we were hoping that by open access to the letter folks would see for themselves our hearts and hear the tone we are trying to set without having to rely on someone else's interpretation.

Up-to-the-minute conference news

Quick Newsflash: We are continually updating our conference information and news page. Everything you wanted to know, and then some, including media coverage and blogtalk.

And it's your lucky day, because below you'll find a real post from me, with no pictures of half-naked straight men!

Projecting, hmmm?

I'm interrupting my regularly scheduled non-blogging programming to post about a Focus on the Family article that addresses the Exodus Conference and our conference.

Focus' editorial precedes Randy Thomas' statement below:

Just a mile down the road, gay activists, co-sponsored by the University of California - Irvine, have scheduled a counter-conference at which some people will claim they were hurt by ex-gay organizations.

Thomas said the message of that counter-conference denies people hope.

"We live in a great country where people can have freedom of assembly," he said. Unfortunately, the organizers of the counter-conference will "try to project their experience onto all of us, when in fact thousands of people, myself included, have overcome homosexuality." [emphasis mine]

I think it's interesting the perspective that our personal stories deny people hope. Beside the fact that we cannot control anyone's feelings, I think our message is one of hope for many people who are despairing and suicidal because of having "failed" at an ex-gay life.

Our message that there is healing and wholeness for those who have felt alienated from their faith, from God, and from family because of a lack of change in orientation is a message of hope. We're saying that those who have suffered because of their ex-gay experiences are not alone, and a wonderful life and healthy relationships can be theirs, in contradiction to what many of us have heard from Focus on the Family and Exodus.

The kicker, though, is the statement that we are trying to project our experiences onto ex-gays. This coming from a group of people who have consistently projected their experiences of drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, and abuse histories onto the gay community at large. This coming from an organization that has time and time again mischaracterized and slandered a whole segment of the population.

It also shows that Randy has not taken the time to familiarize himself with the beyondexgay.com website, where we say (on the front page, no less),

We believe that ex-gay experiences cause more harm than good. Certain people who currently identify as ex-gay say they are content as such. We don’t seek to invalidate their experience. For us such a lifestyle was not possible or healthy.

Not that it was all bad: Some of us received positive help through our ex-gay experiences. We grew to understand our sexuality better and in some cases even overcame life-controlling problems.

But for most of us, these experiences brought us inner turmoil, confusion, and shame. We are still in a process of recovery from the damage. Through sharing our stories with each other, we find wholeness and healing.

I'm pretty certain that the use of "us" makes it fairly clear that we are talking about...well...us.

While Exodus and Focus on the Family like to assert that the gay lifestyle is filled with hopelessness, despair, addiction, dependency and made up entirely of people who have all experienced sexual trauma, we are merely telling our stories. Peterson and I have been careful not to make blanket statements about ex-gays. I even get into hot water sometimes because I refuse to say that it is "impossible" for someone to experience a shift in orientation.

This seems to be a pretty clear-cut case for the introduction of a certain pot to the kettle.

Open Letter to Exodus

The upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference is pulling together, and is now only a week and a half away. As most of you probably know, our conference is happening in the same city and at the same time as the "Exodus Freedom Conference."

As the media are getting wind of this, they are interested in the idea of whether change is possible. The Orange County Register says, "Dueling conferences this month in Irvine explore whether homosexuals can go straight."

But I agree with Peterson when he writes, "In regards to same sex attractions, the question has been debated over and over, Is Change Possible? but for many of us who attended Exodus programs, in some cases for years, the more important question is not about the possibility of change but the costs involved in pursuing that change. Change at what cost?"

Indeed.

Because of the opportunity we have being in close proximity to so many Exodus leaders, and because some of them have expressed an interest in hearing the stories, we have issued an open invitation for an evening to get together so they can hear some of our stories–stories that they may have never heard before.

We have sent an invitation letter to Alan Chambers and a few other leaders that we know personally, and we are trying to get the word out to other Exodus leaders of the opportunity they have to hear our stories. Please feel free to share this open letter to any Exodus leaders or ministry leaders who will be in Irvine for the Exodus conference.

An Open Invitation to Exodus International for Dinner and Dialogue

Dear Exodus Leaders,

It is no coincidence that we scheduled the Ex-Gay Survivor Conference at the same time and in the same city as Exodus’ Freedom Conference. Although we do not wish to interrupt your gathering, we do long for the opportunity to connect with you. Many of us have spent months and years under your care in your ministries. We turned to you for help and received some good from our time under your care. Sadly our ex-gay experiences caused more harm than good, and for many of us we have needed years to recover.

We understand that this was not your intent. From knowing quite a few of you personally, we know that you have a heart to help people and to serve God. You meant to bless us.

Too often once we leave your programs, you never hear about our lives and what happens to us. Most ministries do not have aftercare programs or any formal means to follow-up on participants. Some stories you do not get to hear. If you do, our stories can be simplified by the press or infused with anger or hurt. In hopes of giving you the opportunity to hear about our experiences and the harm that we felt came to us as a result of our pursuit of an ex-gay life, we would like to invite you to join us for a private dinner on Friday, June 29, 2007.

The purpose of the dinner is to give you an opportunity to hear our stories. We do not wish to bash you, attack you or shame you. We simply desire to share our stories with you. No members of the press will be allowed into the dinner and it will not be recorded or filmed. We are hoping for a small gathering with a few ex-gay leaders and some ex-gay survivors. At the dinner a few of us will tell you our stories.

If you are interested in attending this dinner, please RSVP to bxg@beyondexgay.com.

Sincerely,

Peterson Toscano and Christine Bakke

Ex-gay survivors and co-founders of www.BeyondExGay.com

Please feel free to download the jpg and send it on to other folks.

No more naked cowboy!

Instead, I give you the ultimate Denver Bronco's fan; a superfan, the "Barrel Man." Rumors are that the suspenders are the only clothing item he used to wear (he just retired), but I can neither confirm nor deny this. Another casualty of that decadent "straight lifestyle."

So, in other news...ummmm....I was a guest on....um...Candace Chellew's Whosoever Godcast where, upon listening just now, I realize I say the word "um" about mmm, 50 times (it's still weird for me to hear my voice, so I get really self-critical...um...don't mind me).

It was a lot of fun chatting with Candace, the founder of whosoever.org, the first online magazine for LGBT Christians. She started this ten years ago when there were hardly any resources online for Christians who were lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender (too bad I didn't pay attention to it before I moved out to Denver to start my ex-gay life, huh). She did a lot of ground-breaking work during a time where it was not OK to identify as Christian and gay, in almost any circle (thanks Candace!).

We talk about the conference, who it's for, what it'll be like; and a bit about my story. Toward the end, she shares some thoughts on tolerance, the ex-gay movement and Christians. Definitely worth a listen. Just promise you won't hold all those "ums" against me.

In other news, I got an e-mail from Kevin Moss that my story somehow made it onto a gay Russian site. Kevin is a professor of Russian studies (and gay studies and gay Russian studies) at Middlebury college in Vermont. Here's the translation:

A 35 year old American woman has challenged "Reparative therapy" which supposedly cures the homodemon.

35 year-old American Kristina Beykk wanted to escape from homosexuality with the aid of the program of the so-called ex-gays, who promise to cure the "misguided souls" through the word of the Lord, the lesbian journal "Pinx" reports.

After Beykk realized that all this is nonsense and charlatanism, she became one of the first women in the United States to openly challenge "Reparative therapy", which affirms that sexual orientation can be changed.

When she was 27, Christina decided to "put an end to vice" and to go to church.

There a preacher laid his hand on her head and began to fervently pray that "the demon of homosexuality leave this woman."

For five years Beykk desperately tried to "be cured", sincerely believing that salvation is just around the corner.

"The only person I fooled all of this time was myself," she says today.

That is why Christine has decided to tell her story to other doubters to convince them: You can be happy only if you are true to your own nature.

It's actually kind of amazing that Kevin was able to link me to the story, since my last name was spelled phonetically (although erroneously, as my last name rhymes with hockey) and I think they were trying to cover all the bases in the spelling of my first name. Thanks, Kevin!

That's about all I've got for right now. Well, no, that's not actually true. I have so many things to blog about, just not enough time for now. I'm doing a lot of work for our upcoming Ex-Gay Survivor Conference (it's not too late to register!) and so I'm having a hard time keeping up in blogland. I'll try to do better. If only so you don't have to see a picture of the Naked Cowboy at the top of my blog...

P.S., I'm not 35 anymore (thanks Eric!) :)

My NYC adventure (part 2)

This is the second installment of my NYC adventure posts (part one is here).

After Jed left, and I took some congratulatory phone calls, I got busy scraping off the GMA makeup (although I wasn't able to get all of it off—I wonder if the makeup folks were expecting me to cry because they used some heavy duty stuff that took a lot of work to remove).

On my way over to the Glamour offices (they graciously let me use a free computer in their offices for a bit so I could catch up on some online stuff), I stumbled across the Naked Cowboy...not that this is hardly a feat in Times Square, but still...

The megalomaniac Naked Cowboy can be found in all weather playing his guitar and posing for pictures with tourists in exchange for tips. His website contains chapters from his autobiography and he writes, "My love for life, my dedication and hard work for excellence, my compassion and open-mindedness will be world-renowned, recognized ,and sought after, if not emulated by all. [...] As the most celebrated entertainer of all time, naturally I feel a tremendous responsibility to inform the public what exactly went into the making of my legend and my legacy."

It's always summer in my world. There's just certain times throughout the year when it's harder to convince myself of that.
—Naked Cowboy

"I'm thirty years old, I sing and play guitar in my underwear for a living. What could be bad news next to that?"
—Naked Cowboy

Just goes to show that you always have to keep an eye on those living the straight lifestyle. His effort to convert me didn't work.

(The Condé Nast building where the Glamour offices are located)

When I got over to the Glamour offices, I met a lot of the people I'd only previously talked to on the phone, or met via e-mail. I'm pictured below with Jill Herzig, the Executive Editor at Glamour, following a great discussion we had about the difference between being a lesbian versus being a gay man in the ex-gay world.

All the people at the magazine were very kind to me (I don't know why, but I had this idea that I'd walk into the office and they'd take a picture of me and put it on their "Don't" page). Jill even gave me a great tip for removing the stubborn gobs of mascara (baby oil, just in case you ever find yourself in this predicament).




I wandered around Times Square the rest of the day, doing touristy stuff. Walking into the Swatch store reminded me that I'm a child of the 80s. I got my first (and only) swatch when I was sixteen, and really wanted to buy this "Sign of the Times" watch, but I was on a tight budget, so I just looked at it longingly. Although not nearly as longingly as I looked at the Naked Cowboy (ahem *coughsurecough*)

From Diane Sawyer to the Naked Cowboy to makeup removal tips from the folks in the know at Glamour. What a day.

Edit me

I think it's pretty obvious by some of my recent posts that I am trying to process all the feedback I've gotten with the recent media attention (and the mail Peterson and I receive on bXg). I had a hunch that it would be difficult for me, who has grown up wanting to please, and spent much of my life aching to be understood (although both of these things have greatly improved as I've settled into myself the last few years). So while I'm actually dealing with this much better than I expected and developing a thicker skin in the process, there have been a few hiccups, and so my readers get a glimpse into the journey.

Within the first week of the Good Morning America interview, I had people questioning things I said, or telling me I should have said this or that, or not said this other thing, or if I really meant x instead of y. It was overwhelming (especially since it was my first time on TV, and I was unprepared for two of the questions, both things I said I hadn't wanted to talk about just yet). Some of it was actually good feedback that I am taking under advisement. It was still a bit much for me emotionally, though.

I finally talked to a friend of mine on gaychristian.net about it, and he sent me the following:

All the expectations people have or want to push your way reminds me of a little plaque one of our editors had on his wall behind his desk. It had a simple statement and scrawled all over the rest of the space of the 5 X 7 page were edits and rewrites in various hands. The caption was attributed to Mark Twain: "Few things are more human or more powerful than the desire to edit someone else's writing."

Random reviews

Apropos of nothing...

I have collected a couple of my favorite oh-so-helpful reviews on Amazon.

Here are three of the best:

I ordered this book by accident. It is not a very helpful book. I had read reviews on this book previously that indicated it was not a good book to purchase, but somehow it ended up on my order. To much trouble to send it back, so I am stuck with it.

and

I didn't read this, but i'm on the phone with a friend who did and she thinks it's ok. She likes it and will probably finish it soon.

I would love to read it, if I had more free time. I just stopped working, and I'm probably watch a little TV and maybe go to bed. When I retire from work, I hope to read this book.

Finally, on Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe:

[cut a paragraph that is essentially a book report]

The book is not that interesting, as tales of desperation and survival are actually quite common.

In one eye and out the other

I understand people have a need to discount my story. For those currently pursuing or living an ex-gay life, I may bring their fears and doubts to the surface. For those who are everstraight (i.e, not ex-gay) Christians, it may challenge their faith and what they've been told by leaders, and what they believe the Bible says. Maybe it puts a little nagging question in their head about why many Church leaders think it is a "choice" that one can abandon, or why God would outlaw something that seems inherent and utterly unchangeable for almost all of us.

I have gotten some correspondence from those who consider themselves ex-gay, and there have only been one or two that have not criticized my journey or told me something they thought I should do, or what I didn't do. One organization even wrote that I was just a "disappointed lesbian." (Which, incidentally, I might use as a job description from now on: Homosexual Activist and Disappointed Avowed Lesbian.) And when they run out of those criticisms, then they'll often decide that while I did all the right things, I must not have had enough faith, or I didn't trust God fully with my healing.

I know all about this because this is exactly what I did while I was ex-gay. Before I moved to Denver to start my journey toward wholeness (funny how I thought wholeness would come hand-in-hand with straightness), I met an ex-gay online who had been in this process for something like two decades.

She admitted she hadn't experienced any real change, even though she was unwaveringly committed to the process and to being celibate. I read what she wrote, but partly it went in one eye and out the other (well, it was online) because I had so much hope and belief that I'd change, and partly because I found many creative ways to discount her story. Or perhaps not discount it, as much as find (or make up) what I perceived to be holes or gaps in her effort. I was determined to find out everything she'd not done, and wanted to be sure to do those things as well as anything else that was suggested to me.

Failure is not anything I've considered as an option in my life (well, maybe in a few things, and there is that one history class I withdrew from), but generally speaking, I will work hard if I have a particular goal. Even as I write that, though, I know when I used to hear people say this I would think, "ah, well, that's the problem. You didn't just let go and let God." I always managed to find a way to put the blame squarely back on the shoulders of ex-gay survivors. It certainly couldn't be a problem with God, or with the traditional teachings—it had to be a problem with them.

This reminds me of people who have cancer or a progressive disease and are told that with enough faith, positive thinking and creative visualization, they can be cured. And when they aren't, they will often lose some of their friends in the process. I saw this with my friend who has a debilitating disease. Folks were there for her in the beginning, when everyone thought that she would be healed (herself included), and then have a great testimony. But soon they all started pulling away.

Why? I think her illness and the progression of it caused some to question their faith, or God's healing power. They had trouble with belief in a God who could do anything, and then seeing her suffer. In the end, it was easier not to face the pain and the questions. It was easier to ignore the reality that very bad things happen to the best of people, and there is nothing one can do to change or prevent that. Perhaps it made them feel vulnerable or scared.

And that's exactly how I felt whenever I'd encounter the story of a former ex-gay. Sometimes I didn't even stick around long enough to hear or read it, much less really sit with it. I knew to stay away from Mel White, Ex-Gay Watch, Bridges Across the Divide, and anything with "Gay" and "Christian" in the same title. I could not go near anything that might threaten my carefully stacked house of cards (to be clear, I'm not saying that every ex-gay's life is a fragile house of cards, but I think many are).

I am trying to realize there is no way I can convince anyone that I didn't undertake the change process lightly. I had faith that I would change, and a commitment to do all the spiritual, emotional and psychological work. Even though some of the more bizarre things about my story have gotten some press, most of it was the usual, fairly boring ex-gay story of a lot of struggle. Trusting in God, therapy (and lots of it), exploring every inch of my past, having demonic influences cast out, theophostics, and the list just goes on. I don't think anyone who knew me during this time of my life believes I gave anything but my all to God and to this process.

But I can talk about this until the cats come home (which, as you know, is whenever they damn well please), and for some people, it will just go in one eye and out the other. And honestly? I can't blame them, because I had a lot of in and out traffic myself during those years. Now I'm working on letting the criticism go in and out just as quickly.

Seven Passages: Audition in Grand Rapids

Are you an actor in the Michigan area? This looks like a great project.

Seven Passages: The Stories of Gay Christians
AUDITION NOTICESeven Passages: The Stories of Gay Christians will be a piece of devised ethnographic theatre.

Seven Passages is a stark and vital look at one of the deepest conflicts in contemporary culture – that of homosexuality and Christianity. Over 100 gay individuals have been interviewed about the interplay of these worlds throughout their life journey. These stories, along with passages of scripture and an exhaustive bibliography of scholarly sources are now ready to be structured and compiled into a play that will seek to address the question:

“How do we combine the scripture passages that deal with homosexual activity, the weighty tradition of the scriptures and the stories we’ve collected so that when they converge, they foster not oppression, but dialogue?”

The goal of this piece of theatre is to issue a call for reconciliation, to open the door and get the conversation rolling.

Actors have the exciting opportunity to be part of a creative devising process that will compile interview material, scripture, and other text into a full-length play. They will then go into a more traditional rehearsal process to find and bring to life the people and stories that are eventually selected for the devised script.

For more information about casting, audition date and performance dates, head on over to the Seven Passages blog.

News from Colorado Springs

And it doesn't have anything to do with gays!

COLORADO SPRINGS – Police showed up at Grace Church and St. Stephen's Parish after a man threw a pie in Father Donald Armstrong's face – during his sermon about loving enemies.

The man, who has been identified as Marcus Hyde, took off, but church members caught him.

Witnesses tell KOAA they think Hyde may be passing judgment on the minister. More...

I'm sure the pie was used instead of a gun since Colorado Springs has the bizarre law "It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays" on its books. I feel sorry for Seventh Day Adventist ministers in Colorado Springs though, who have to worry about congregants showing up with six-guns during their Saturday worship.

You can't make this stuff up.

[Update: Aaron commented and said: "Actually, Christine, this has everything to do with gays. We haven't yet gotten a complete statement from Marcus—he's waiting to talk to lawyer—but I suspect the pieing was in response to Armstrong's alliance with Bishop Akinola, whose Nigerian church advocates the jailing and execution of gays. Grace left the Episcopal diocese because of their pro-gay stance."]

Nope, it didn't lead to a baby

Peterson is in town for the weekend (picture coming soon), so we had a great time over dinner with two friends. After I dropped him off at his hotel, a friend texted and asked if I wanted to go to a local lesbian bar. I've been there a whole other two times in the last 7 years, and since I happened to be driving right by it, I went. Since I almost never go out, I think my friends about keeled over in shock.

The big news in all of this? I danced tonight for the first time in my life. I guess I'm going to have to change the "who we are" page on bXg to reflect this. I didn't quite make it onto the dance floor, but I'm almost there.

I'm still realizing the extent of the disconnect and fear of my body, and this was even before my time as an ex-gay.

But the times they are a-changin'

I love my new sense of freedom and accepting my body for what it is. I'm certainly still on a journey with that, but I'm moving forward, and that's the good news.

I still refused to get on the dance floor tonight (that's one of the problems with not drinking...it's not always easy to lose inhibitions), and had about five people pulling me onto it. I was able to cleverly jump through a gap in a railing to get back on the sidelines (ha, I don't know what to call it). I promised that next week I will get out there.

I'm so excited about my future. This is just a small thing, but is part of a whole package of feeling good about who I am, and joy about whom I'm becoming.

My NYC adventure (part 1)

Here's a photo album of the Good Morning America part of my NYC adventure (click on any picture to see a larger version).

I arrived on Sunday, after a very early morning flight. Because I'd slept through two alarm clocks the day before, and had the local ABC film crew pounding on my door for for 15 minutes, the producer of the Good Morning America segment actually called me twice that Sunday morning, the second time to say "Your car is going to be there in 15 minutes. Are you ready?" (upon questioning, she said that yes, she was going back to bed).

This is with my friend Eduardo, who helped me figure out what to wear the next day. My wonderful friend Jed took this picture. We were heading back from a lovely Italian dinner (where apparently the words "early TV call tomorrow" got us a seat in the middle of the restaurant). I think that this was the first time it hit me, really, that I would be in that studio in the morning; the one behind me with all the lights and screens.


I'm such a tourist, and don't think I've ever stayed in a hotel that had so many floors. I was on the 33rd floor and I couldn't stop looking out the window. Yup, I'm just a small town girl from Denver, and easily impressed.

Here is Jed's story of the next morning (because I was too preoccupied and out of it to notice anything):

4:00am. Jumped out of bed. Let the dogs out, hit the shower. Then raced to the car. Miraculously hit very little traffic.

Arrived 6:00 am in New York. Parked the car. On my way to the Millenium, miracle upon miracle (and you have to know Christine to understand this one), she actually called me.

I raced up the elevator and landed in front of Christine's room. Soon she opened the door wrapped in a towel. Hugs and kisses. 20 minutes later, Christine was half the vision we saw two hours later. A few more phone calls (yes Miss Producer, No I'm not asleep this time, I'm awake and ready...), another hug, and holding hands, almost like a sweet straight couple, we headed to the elevator bank, and met the GMA intern who escorted us across the street and into the stage entrance door.

Filming was already in session. We sneaked past the absurdly squeaking stage door, and tiptoed behind the sets towards the green room.

A few minutes went by and our intern led us to the make-up room. Christine had her own personal hair stylist and her own make-up person. So very ChiChi.*

Soon Christine and I were whisked back to the Green room, the room where you wait forever. But this time not for long.

Someone came out, made introductions and talked to Christine. She asked a few questions, and then, "Tell me about your therapy. What did you do?” Christine ran down the list, including the deliverance (demon exorcism).

Next we saw the producer, dressed in a bright red suit (her daughter said to her that morning she looked like Satan), who introduced herself to Christine. A quick two second run through of what to expect followed. Then, “do you want to do a quick interview on XM radio? It'll be a great run through for you, they'll ask pretty much the same questions that Diane will”...

Christine was barely out of the room, when the make-up lady of another guest wanted to know: “Does she channel people?” “What?” I was totally rattled. “Your friend, does she channel people? What was that about the exorcism?” “Oh, no,” I explained hastily, “Christine is no Sylvia Brown. No, no. She is ex-ex-gay.” Yadi dah. I explained it all. "Oh, oh!" They claimed to understand, yet they all looked so confused.

Red Satan lady (who was actually very un-Satan-like) walked back into the room. The phone rang. It was for her. Someone could be heard over the phone. “Where's Christine? The segments have been switched. She can not be late. This is a LIVE SHOW.” We all heard that one. Satan lady replied, "she'll be there. Stop worrying." She turned around, smiled a warm smile. "Oh, another day at the office."

Seconds later, Christine arrived. She beamed at everyone. One guest wanted to know more about the exorcism. The tech guy began to adjust the microphone, taping it to the inside of Christine's lapel.

“Is Christine ready? We're ready to roll.” Satan is back. We went back through the squeaky door, and tiptoed once again behind the set. Christine settled into her seat while around her was chaos. Camera men chatting quietly, a producer or other running around frantically. I was off to the side.

Suddenly there was a little rush and mad whispers of ”Diane” floated through the air. And there she was, tall, graceful and entirely professional. She walked up the stage and sat across from Christine, leaned forward, whispered an introduction. Then she turned her attention to the questions she would be asking Christine.

Things were getting noisier. Christine sat calm as a rock and I couldn’t see her face. Someone stood next to one of the cameras. Hands lifted high, she yelled five, four, three, two,...

Then the interview was over. People rushed from everywhere. Cameras were changed to new angles, Diane Sawyer hugged Christine. I was pushed up front. “Take a pic” someone said. And so I did, Diane Sawyer hugging my Christine.

Then we were back in the green room. Lots of thumbs up and gentle applause. Quite a few staff members had read the article, and they all seemed to manage to squeeze in a thanks to Christine.

Minutes later we were back outside. A one-second goodbye, and the big iron stage door slammed shut.

Christine dragged me to the front of the studio where there was a crowd eagerly awaiting the anchors to come outside for another segment. Christine was just too much of a tourist not to want to see what goes on. We snuck up behind them, and before you know it, some people in the audience had recognized her. They turned around and started speaking to Christine. Quite a few minutes later, we finally broke away. We crossed the street and turned around for a final goodbye. It was 9:00am, and with the show over, the crowd started to disperse.

We saw a couple carrying a sign saying "Celebrating our 50th Anniversary." Christine squealed: "That's so awesome. I'd love to get a picture of them." We got their attention. They immediately recognized Christine and congratulated her. Very moving they said. I snapped the shot of the couple, Christine and the woman who I assumed is their daughter. A warm wave goodbye and we were finally off back to the hotel. All twenty steps of the way. It was a turbulent morning, but one of the best to be had.

Commentary provided by my dear friend, Jedidjah Oldenburg, pictured above (thank God for friends).

*Other meanings of chichi in other languages:
chichi, a French word meaning false curly hair or fig. humbug
Chichi, an English word meaning fussily affected or ostentatiously stylish, used to describe clothes, interior décor, etc
Chichi, a term used by the British in India and ethnic Indians to refer to people suspected of being mixed race
Chi-Chi, Jamaican slang for an undesirable person, frequently a homosexual
Chichi (pl. chichis), Mexican Spanish slang for "tit" or "breast"
Chi-Chi, Spanish (Castilian) slang for "cunt." It is possible the term is not used in this context in South America.
Chichi, a prison snack consisting of cheese-flavored junk food, noodles, and meat cooked with hot water in a plastic bag
Chi Chi, a slang term used by Indian toddlers to refer to feces

I think if I have to be anything, I'd like to be cheese-flavored junk food, noodles, and meat cooked with hot water in a plastic bag, and not the feces. Just in case you were curious.

Christine's Q&A

I've been getting really good feedback from people who have read the Glamour article or seen the Good Morning America piece (and by good I don't always mean agreeing with me, but much of it is still good). I'm also getting a lot of questions. So I thought I'd take a minute (er, OK, an hour; I know it's long) to address some questions or misconceptions about me.

1. Are you a Christian?
I don't think most people of Evangelical or Fundamentalist backgrounds would consider me a Christian at this point. However, I am a spiritual person and I do follow many things in the Bible.

Really though, I am one of the countless former ex-gays who no longer identify primarily as Christian. (I guess you could maybe say I am an ex-ex-ex-Christian, because that's not a confusing tongue-twister or anything.)

While I have been hesitant to speak of my own personal faith, and what it looks like now, maybe it is good that I do. I want people to see what often happens when someone goes through ex-gay therapy and finds that they didn't see any kind of change after investing so much emotionally, financially, and spiritually, and they feel misled. It causes you to rethink everything you have been told or have believed in the past. It is unbelievably common that those in my situation end up losing their faith. I think it should give ex-gay leaders, pastors, and concerned Christians pause. At what cost are they advocating change? Who pays the highest price?

I think glbtqi folks should no longer have to pay such a price in order to be accepted in faith communities. It's sad to see people who feel rejected unless they see themselves as broken and seeking a change. (Many Christians proclaim their love and support for the ex-gay struggler, but if that person decides that they do not need to be changed to be accepted by God, the same Christians will often reject them.) They then internalize that and feel rejected by God, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Some who were raised as Christian never even get to the point of trying to be ex-gay, because they walk away from all of it and some live a life disconnected from their spirituality. They think that's the only choice they have.

This is why I'm such a long-time and active participant at gaychristian.net, and while beyondexgay.com is not specifically a Christian site, it is very pro-spirituality and pro-faith. Many of our members come from a Christian background, and some still identify as such. I am all for gay folks finding their way back to a spiritual life; yes, including Christianity. And besides, some of the best friends I have are Christian. No, really. And, yes, even after everything I've been through. There are good things Christians are doing throughout the world, and probably good works programs in your area are being sponsored by Christians. So I am definitely not anti-Christian in general.

2. Someone came to my church and said they have been delivered of homosexuality and are now married. Do you know that people do change?
When people sit in church (or, for that matter, in congress) and hear someone's ex-gay testimony, they do not know whether that person is really faithful to their spouse. They do not follow up and find out if the cure "lasted." They do not find out how many other people are out there who have not experienced change; who have left the church over the struggle, and about those who have committed suicide because they could not change. If all of our U.S. news was only approved news coming out of the White House, would we feel confident we were getting the whole truth?

I think people should research this issue before they think they know the whole truth because of a person claiming change. I am not saying that person is lying; they may very well be telling the truth. But you cannot take one person's experience and say it is true for everyone without doing some research.

3. Have you read the Bible? Perhaps you should read x, y, or z scripture.
I have actually read the Bible many times, and memorized whole portions and chapters. I'd imagine that I've studied the Bible more than most Christians. I have also spent years reading commentaries and books about the Bible, about homosexuality, about ex-gay therapy and reparative therapy. I have attended and been involved with several denominations, including Lutheran, Pentecostal, non-denominational, Baptist (regular and Conservative), Nazarene, Assembly of God, Evangelical Free, Foursquare, and Metropolitan Community Church (and I may be missing something in this list). I'm not saying I know everything, by any means. But my current views are not due to lack of Bible knowledge.

4. Will you go look at the website of (an ex-gay)?
I went to the website of the ex-gay that you recommended and I do not have a problem with people sharing their personal stories. This is mine, and it is different than other people's stories, even other former ex-gays.

What I do take offense at is those who would say what one ex-gay says on his site:
'I have come to realize that though the gay life may be "gay" at times, it promises no lasting, genuine love, joy, or peace. On the contrary, it is fraught with much anxiety, fear, confusion, frustration, suspicion, depression, and despair.'

That is just simply not true. I am not sure what kind of "gay life" he is talking about. All gay people do not have one kind of life. That would be similar to me saying that people at Mardi Gras are an example of the traditional "heterosexual life" or that "the straight lifestyle" is this or that. It just doesn't make any sense. (Well, it does if you want to put people in boxes, but it doesn't work much outside of that.)

The time in my life when I was fraught with the most anxiety, fear, confusion, frustration, depression, suspicion and despair was when I was trying to change my sexual orientation. It did not change and yet I am the most happy, settled, fulfilled and peaceful that I ever have been in my life. And my gay life is probably not that different than most. I get up, go to work, read e-mail, play with my cats, talk on the phone, and go to bed. That's my gay life.

5. I am ex-gay and have changed. How come you don't believe me? How come you don't like ex-gays?
In telling my story I want to make it clear that I am not trying to invalidate anyone else's story. I do feel it is very rare that people experience a significant change in orientation, but I would also not say it couldn't happen. I also believe that the majority of people experience more harm than good (some do experience some good things, me included; I just feel like it wasn't necessary for me to go through all the horrible things in order to acquire those good things).

But I wish you and all others who identify as ex-gay the best. Truly. Please keep in mind that while I'm talking about the ex-gay movement, ex-gay writing and advertising, and ex-gay leaders, I know that most ex-gays in programs aren't at all involved politically, and I do feel a certain affinity to those who are pursuing what I once did.

6. A man and woman being together is how God designed it. That's the way it should be.
I don't agree with you that it's how God designed things (people have been using the Bible and that argument for everything from a ban on interracial marriage to support of slavery or a reason to deny women the vote). People have also said for years "you don't see animals of the same sex mating; it's not how God designed it" and yet now we're finding out that animals of the same sex, across many species, do mate and have sex with those of the same sex (besides, I don't really think we should base our standards of behavior on animals; I don't think anyone should take parenting tips from species that eat their own young, for instance).

7. It sounds like you have just had bad experiences in the church and with Christians, and perhaps this is why (things didn't work for you; you didn't experience change, etc).
I have run into very judgmental Christians, but I have also come across many caring and wonderful Christians. I am not telling my story because I am bitter at the church. I recognize that all people are human and some do things that wound others.

Many of the Christians in my life cared (and do still care) deeply about me. I do not doubt that. I also think they believe what they are saying. I just no longer agree with them, but it doesn't mean that the things they did weren't out of a caring heart and wanting what they thought was the best for me.

I find that people either want to pigeonhole me as an anti-Christian ex-ex-gay, someone bitter and angry at the church, or someone who has no faith. Neither of these are true.

Some have commented to me that it sounds like I am trying to mock Christians. I'm not. Those who know me beyond the pages of Glamour and the five minutes on ABC will know this. The one thing that's gotten a bit of exposure is my recollection of the women who prayed that I would learn how to accessorize and for God to let me know I could mix and match my wardrobe. This really did happen, and an older woman whom I really liked and recall fondly prayed that for me in a home church meeting. She absolutely wanted the best for me. I find amusement whenever people turn conversation with someone else into a prayer in order to get the message across, but the moment was just beyond amusing, and absurd even then (I had such a hard time keeping a...straight...(poker?) face). I remember going to my ex-gay group the next night and telling about it and we all had a very good laugh.

The other thing to keep in mind is this: I can tell my story, but the only control I have over what is published/aired is what I write unedited (like on my blog). So there are people who think all I'm doing is mocking Christians, or that I'm anti-Christian (surprisingly, even people who read the Glamour article, where I'm pictured with my friend Scott, a local ex-gay leader), but that is not true. It might be what gets the most attention (hey, tv print, and radio folks are always looking for something funny or controversial...it's how they stay in business), but it's not always the whole truth about my life. Because, seriously, I have lived so much in 35 years and I haven't published the book yet.

Thanks all for your comments, and keep them (and any questions) coming. I'll always answer as truthfully and fully as I can.