Happy Spring!

(I took this picture this morning - there's more snow now)

So I'm a bit shaken up, feeling lucky and guilty all at the same time.

To celebrate the first day of Spring, Denver is having a snowstorm. I had to drive my pickup truck (rear-wheel drive, no good traction in spite of 300-400 pounds at the back) to my dental appointment this morning, and on the way back home, I hit a patch of snow or ice and lost control. I fishtailed my way across a median and two lanes of oncoming traffic before landing on the opposite shoulder. Fortunately for me, I didn't hit anyone or anything, and my truck seems OK although I'm sure I'm well out of alignment. My neck and shoulders are a bit sore, too.

Still it's all minor in comparison with the fact that two people that were behind me (or perhaps in the lane next to me, I'm not sure) ended up colliding with each other. They were both out of their cars and exchanging information (fender bender...nothing too serious from the looks of it).

I called my insurance agent (a very nice Christian man) who said that I didn't have any obligation to stay or swap information, as I wasn't involved in the collision, and since it didn't look like there was anything a third party could do. Even if I was the third party that may have indirectly caused the accident.

The whole Denver area is on what's called "accident alert" which means the police don't come for accidents that don't involve injuries. My insurance agent just said that if I could get off of the shoulder (always interesting in a truck that often refuses to move in a forward direction in snow or on ice, and certainly not on anything resembling an uphill slope) I should just get back on the road and go on home.

So I did. But I feel bad. Still, having survived an incident 4-5 years ago (a minor fender-bender with people who lied about who was in the car, how many were in the car, the type of injuries sustained, and sued my insurance company, etc) with the end result being that I paid well over $3,000 a year for insurance for the following three-and-a-half years, I wasn't exactly eager to get myself involved in anything else.

Welcome, Spring! And to the two people in the accident...I'm really sorry. Um...hope you have a nice spring anyway?

(Note: This is the third...or fourth...time I've had a major spinout episode with this truck, including spending hours in a ditch one night. Here's a tip - 4 cylinder rear-wheel drive light pickups are not made for Colorado. They're just not. at. all.)

Cheese-worthy founding fathers...and other random bits.

I've been informed that I'm overdue for a blog update. Well, yeah. My life has definitely gotten in the way of my blogging lately.

Anyway, to tide you over, here's some of the stuff I've been reading lately (most of it has nothing to do with ex-gay anything):

I've been reading some posts and comments about the FX show Black. White. on Reappropriate's blog. She's written her take on part 1 and on part 2, so far. I don't have cable so haven't even seen the show in question, just saw some of the bits on the FX site. I just found the blog and comments very thought-provoking.

This is a long, but great, read about our founding fathers, a big ol' piece of cheese, the separation of church and state, and evangelicals. Who knew? To find out what made Thomas Jefferson so cheese-worthy, check out this article on Belief.net-- Jefferson, Madison & Their Evangelical Pals--Religious freedom resulted from an unlikely alliance: evangelicals and skeptics.

I've also done a bit of reading lately on glossolalia (that's "speaking in tongues" for the rest of us). I found this interesting bit of history. Turns out that when people first started speaking in tongues during the pentecostal revival (Azusa street, 1906), they thought that they would be able to go to foreign countries, speak in tongues, and they would be speaking in the language of that country (!) - yeah, I'm not making this up. Check this out:

A. G. Garr, the first missionary to leave Azusa, went to India fully expecting to preach in Hindustani. After a few months, he admitted his failure on this point, but nonetheless remained to carry on a successful ministry for several years, preaching to these British subjects in English.

Well, I guess you have to give him credit for not giving up.

Oh, and because a few other bloggers have been doing it, I thought I'd also create a quiz about me. So, just how well do you think you know me? You think I've told you everything, huh? Well, go take the quiz and find out all that I've withheld (you can totally enter a fake e-mail address, by the way - it just seems to need something with an "@" in it).

Consider yourself updated. I guess.

Honoring with the truth

What does it mean for an adult child to honor their parents?

It's a question I've pondered many times.

Diana recently commented on my post about Transamerica and said:

I know families that are like that [the family in the film] from the support group I go to, the parents just don’t understand, but will support their child no matter what. But unfortunately, I also know some parents who have never spoken to their child again.

Drew, at This Gay Christian's Blog, writes about this experience he observed:

"When my Beau came out to his parents, they paraded the fact in front of every family member; forcing him out of the closet with a hot firebrand rather than letting him tell his story appropriately and timely. It set off a three week marathon of every family member coming over to tell him how selfish and wrong and cruel he was being and that he was going to hell.

I know other people who have been completely cut off by their parents (mostly good, Christian parents), merely because they came out to them. I remember one guy on gaychristian.net writing that unlike the stereotypes furthered by ex-gay ministries, he'd had a great relationship with his dad, until he came out. Now his parents won't communicate with him except to send him sermons or Bible verses.

Some people I know have endured so much abuse from their parents that it becomes a matter of emotional survival to remove themselves from their families and move on.

And yet for many of us, the verses "Honor thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long..." are tattooed on our brains. In Leviticus, I think there are more death penalty warnings for cursing your parents than there are for homosexual sex.

It seems many Christian parents think being honored and obeyed is a right they have. A Biblical mandate. I can't remember how many times I heard my parents recite "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 'Honor your father and mother'--which is the first commandment with a promise--'that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.'" from Ephesians 6. Of course, the only problem with quoting scriptures to your kids is eventually they might start quoting back the verses that follow them up - such as, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord."

You would think my parents would have been proud of my Bible recitation skills (and usually they were, just not with Ephesians 6). In fairness, I did get my Dad to laugh a couple times with being able to one-up him with scripture.

Anyway, in pondering this, I realize the commands about honoring parents sure made sense in ancient times. Then it was important to ensure that communities stayed together. The bonds of family were often the means for its survival. But that's not how things operate in the here and now. Babies have babies, parents abandon and abuse their kids, or dump them because they don't meet some standard of heterosexuality or "normal" gender expression. Kids are kicked out and adult children are shunned or shamed for something they can't change. Children and their parents end up on opposite sides of a culture war and parents often put what they believe and what others will think of them before their feelings for their own children. Some parents behave in horrible and dishonorable ways.

I am sure that like many parents of glbt folks (especially those from Evangelical/Fundamental Christian circles), my parents do not see me as especially honoring, and certainly not obedient. And if I were to honor them in the way that they wanted, I would be trying to live as a very unhappy ex-gay right now, desperately hiding my true orientation from the world. Living a lie and dying inside every day. Quite honestly, I probably wouldn't be alive right now. How is that honoring to them?

My parents are the ones who taught me to always tell the truth. And now I am telling the truth about my life. Being truthful. Living with authenticity. Extending love and courtesy toward those I disagree with (yes, even those in ex-gay circles).

My parents raised me this way. They raised me to be honest. They were the ones that raised me to forgive my enemies and pray for those who persecute me. They taught me to stand up for what I believe, even if it was unpopular. Maybe living with truth and integrity is the only way I can truly honor them, even if I can't give them what they want.

Last blogger standing...

I really think I might officially be the last gay or ex-gay blogger to see Brokeback mountain. Eugene thought he was the last back on the third of January. Then JJ blogged that she was the last gay blogger to make a post (on January 30th). Then Homer claimed on January 31st that he was the last blogger to have seen it. But no, really, I've got you all beat. Not that I have a competitive nature or anything. What do I win?

I had put off seeing it, because, well, I knew it wasn't a happy ending. And there seems to be so much pain in the lives of people I've known who have tried in vain to change their orientation, or who have had marriages fail because of the orientation of one half of the couple. I just thought why should I pay to go see it? And also, I wanted to be the last gay blogger to see it.

And it was sad. And so sad to think of how many people think it's still impossible to be who they are. And so very sad thinking of all the people who have endured so much hurt because their spouse can never really love them as they should.

The part that made me happy, though, was seeing same-gender-loving people being portrayed as just...real people. Real people with a real love and care for each other that withstood the test of time, even though it was (much) less than ideal. Not quite the stereotype that the ex-gay groups would like to promote (which is probably why they find the film so "damaging and harmful").

So I don't have anything new to add to the (by now, very old) BBM discussions. Except that I finally saw it already. Next I might see one of the Lord of the Rings movies or something (yeah, I've never seen any of them, either). Eh, don't hold your breath.

Courageous survivors

My friend Jordan always tells me about the great stuff going on locally for students at Metro State. Today she told me I needed to come check out a one-woman show by Ingrid Rivera, called "Lágrimas de Cocodrilo" or "Crocodile Tears."

How does a single mother survive the lingering nightmare of childhood sexual abuse and find inner peace? Lágrimas de Cocodrilo is spoken-word activist Ingrid Rivera's tale of survival delivered in raw, vivid poetic monologues.

Journey into one woman's struggle with female-on-female childhood sexual abuse, lesbianism and raising a female child in the midst of recovery.

What a privilege to see this raw, emotional, moving and healing show.

It's hard enough for female survivors to talk about their abuse experiences, but when it's female-on-female there's a whole additional layer of stigma. Add to that the stigma of talking about this kind of abuse when you're a same-gender-loving female, and you've got one hell of a brave woman.

I got to talk briefly with Ingrid after the show, where I asked her if her sexual abuse history was ever used against her while she was also coming to terms with her sexuality. She said she'd been very lucky that hadn't been the case, but admitted that unfortunately it is often the case for many people who have experienced abuse by someone of the same gender.

She said, "You know, when a straight woman is in therapy because of being abused by a man, they don't question if she's straight because of the abuse, do they?" and of course, the answer is no. I have several male friends who have been abused by men and are straight. Most of the women I know who have been abused in childhood are straight. It infuriates me sometimes that straight people don't have to work through their abuse issues while also having to answer questions about their orientation and if the abuse "caused it."

Of course, in the convoluted-thinking ex-gay circles, if women are abused by men, then it's natural that they become lesbian (because the woman don't want to recreate the abuse situation and want to flee men), but if men in the same ex-gay group are abused by men, then that explains why they ended up gay (because naturally they'd be attracted to, and seek to recreate that abuse situation). Huh? Does anyone else see the craziness in that?

Someone else asked Ingrid if she felt supported by the Queer community, and she expressed that she hadn't gotten the support she'd wished for. These are some hard topics for the gay community. Both the female-on-female abuse (which seems too much like the perpetrator thing we get accused of), and the trouble parenting a daughter while in recovery for abuse (which manifests often in trying to overprotect the child from abuse, or giving unhealthy messages about the dangers inherent in sex and sexuality, or in a lack of ability by the mother to deal with her daughter's sexuality; not in abuse of the child) are tough topics to deal with, sure. It's hard being part of a group that people think are dangerous to kids. So we want to bend over backwards to not have any association with anything like that. And we're a group of people that everyone thinks must have been sexually abused if we're gay. I get it, but I don't have to like it.

I just feel like we can do better than this. As a community, we need to start addressing the tough stuff, and stop being afraid of what "they" say or think. Yeah, there's going to be people who will always say that anyone who is gay was sexually abused. There will always be those who think sexual abuse of children has to do with sexuality/sexual orientation instead of power. There will always be those who will discount my story because of the sexual abuse piece of it. There will always be someone ready and willing to use our stories against us.

In addition to that, those of us who did experience childhood abuse and also had the misfortune of going through ex-gay ministries may always struggle with the association of our abuse with our orientation (read Peterson's great post on "How Sexual Abuse Made Me Ex-Gay" for a good exploration about why those of us who've survived abuse seem to gravitate towards ex-gay programs).

It's tough stuff. But it's no excuse for burying our heads in the sand and not supporting our brothers and sisters who are courageous enough to talk about this stuff. I hope that Ingrid Rivera continues to tell her story and bring healing to herself and many others in the process. I hope that we as a community can start embracing each other just a little more. All we can do is keep telling our truths, and bringing our stories into the light.

Truth will win out

Love Won Out went to St. Louis today, and Gay Culture & Spirituality writer Colleen Keating was at the protest/vigil outside.

She writes, in part,

The only chants our contingency were shouting included "Jesus Loves You" and "Jesus Loves Gays." Despite what Alan Chambers said about our vigil, I thought that we succeeded in being quite positive:

"Anonymous defamation from any party is offensive, but the public protest planned by the gay community is particularly disturbing," he said. "Contempt for those of us who have chosen to leave homosexuality behind is not an action consistent with the call for tolerance and diversity."

What Chambers doesn't seem to understand is that none of us have "contempt" for the attendees (at least no one I spoke with). We felt badly for the young kids in the backseats of SUVs, looking down guiltily as they saw us--were their parents taking them to the event in the hopes of a "cure"? I know I felt badly for the parents hoping for a cure, and blaming themselves.

You can check out the rest of what Colleen wrote here.

I agree with her response to Alan Chambers. If I was there and protesting the event, I would not be protesting the right of Love Won Out to assemble, nor would I be protesting the right of ex-gays to exist or meet. What I protest is the idea that all gays can and should change because there are a few people out there saying they have (and their claims of change usually don't end up including their orientation, just behavior).

The "anonymous defamation" Alan was referring to in his quote was the
vandalism of one of their billboards ("I questioned homosexuality"). This was also discussed by Colleen over at Gay Spirituality & Culture. Her thoughts (which strongly echo mine) include

This enrages me. If there were a Pride billboard up, or a PFLAG, or an HRC, etc., which were treated in this manner, our community would rightly be outraged. Whoever did this reflects poorly upon the intentions of those of us who are trying to fight misinformation with truth.

So I agree with Alan Chambers that the anonymous defamation of their billboards is offensive, but I disagree with him that a protest or vigil is disturbing. When you consider the lies that are masquarading as science, and the political activities of Exodus, our community should question and hold up the truth in response to Love Won Out, and show support for those who may question the "truths" presented about sexuality at some later date. I have to admit that I do struggle with feelings of "contempt" for Alan Chambers and a few others in leadership positions at Exodus and Focus on the Family (and definitely for Paul Cameron and his ilk), but it's rare that I feel that for the people who actually attend these events (like Colleen rightly points out, many are strugglers or parents of gays and lesbians who are just looking for hope and answers). After all, only a few years ago, I was one of them too.

Peterson goes hetero?

Well, no, not really. But he did go to the Mr. Hetero Contest this last weekend.

See Mr. Hetero Part One (where he talks about the fear behind the frivolity) and Mr. Hetero Part Two (where he explains how dangerous this event really is).

The nephew photos

What you've all been anxiously waiting for. OK, maybe not. But humor me, will ya? These kids are two of the best things in my life!

Look Ma! Auntie brought us puppets that quack and bark!


This is especially fun when E has toys in his hands and he bangs on my head like a drum.


J. gets an early lesson in the joys of texting.


J. is not feeling so hot but at least he gets some cuddles.


Aunt Christine (aka cwistine) ran to the store for some popsicles and copious amounts of child-drugs and saved the night.


I'm gonna be walking in no time--watch out!

That's all folks. Thanks for indulging this very proud aunt.

Nearer my God to Thee

I'm checking in from God's country (aka Texas) today. I am here visiting my sister and brother-in-law, as well as my two adorable nephews (they are almost 3 and almost 1).

The nearly-three-year-old has been cracking me up left and right with stuff he says. Yes, I'm going to bore you with stories. Come back next week for my slide show followed by a look through all my photo albums.

J. saw the earrings in my ears and asked if I had holes in my ears. I said that I had 5 holes. He sighed quite dramatically and said, "Oh, man!" and shook his head. "I'm sorry," he gravely said, as he patted my cheek.

When eating breakfast this morning he had decided he was no longer interested in his pancakes and was having a monologue with himself, talking about how he didn't want to eat it, wasn't going to eat it, pushing them away, etc. Then he stopped, sighed, and said, "Give it up, man!" and dug in. Ha.

Tonight I was feeding him some ham pieces and he ate one that still had some of the (what do you call it - rind? skin?) on it. He spit it out of his mouth and with big, alarmed eyes said, "Auntie Christine! That one still had a stem on it!"

And then later tonight he was serenading me with the song "If you're happy and you know it..." but he sang, "If you're happy in your nose, clap your hands!" After dancing and singing around the living room for a bit, he then ran to the couch and cried out, "Ouch! I have a cricket in my foot! Rub it!"

My littlest baby nephew isn't talking yet but I'm having a great time seeing him too. He especially loves riding up on top of my shoulders and getting snot on me. Yum.

So I'm having a fabulous time. They exhaust me but I love it. Last night we got a sitter (aren't sitters the greatest thing since sliced bread?) and my sis and bro-in-law took me to a down-home Texas "restaurant" in a lean-to shack with sawdust on the floor. The menus were hand-written (mine said "all oders come with 3 sides"), Willie Nelson was playing in the background, and the steaks were as big as...well...Texas. This morning my sister and I had girl-time and went shopping. This evening I am watching the boys while their parents get out for a date.

Photos and slide show at my place soon!

This is love?

Truth? Love? Are these casualties in the culture wars?

Alan's done it again. Yup, I'm talking about Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, the ministry that says "Change is Possible" and professes to love gays and lesbians. Alan recently spoke at a Conservative Political Action Conference, and this is what he had to say (according to Salon.com):

A 1:30 p.m. session on "Marriage in the States," which was supposed to include Kansas Sen. Sam Brownback, featured instead a self-described former homosexual named Alan Chambers. He said sodomy was like fast food: "It will kill you." He was an expert because he had lived through the torment of gay lust, enduring "a never ending cycle of cravings and nourishment ... an endless treadmill of faceless encounters, broken hearts and unmet dreams." His research on the gay lifestyle had also taught him that gay people do not really want gay marriage (it was the liberal media) and that "lifelong homosexual relationships are not possible."

If this is love, I'd hate to see what happens if things turn sour.

There are two great letters that have been posted at exgaywatch confronting Alan about what he's said about lifelong homosexual relationships not being possible. I hope there will be more.

If you are in contact with any ex-gay organizations or those who minister to ex-gays, please consider writing them and asking their opinion on these types of lies. As I wrote in one e-mail I sent, 'It hurts me terribly to read things like this. I honestly don't know how to feel or think about this, nor how to feel about [your ministry] being tied to such an organization. These kinds of lies from Alan need to stop. If Exodus' position is right, why does it need to be supported by lies? Why must they continue to wage a war against the very people they say they are trying to "help and support?"'

(Curtsey to exgaywatch.com)

Happy buddha

I went to see Dr. Cheng today (a fantastic Chinese doctor, acupuncturist and herbalist), with complaints of neck and shoulder pain.


He told me this particular pattern was called "Happy Buddha". And wouldn't you know it--when I left the office, this is what I looked like:


My shoulders still seem a bit hunched up around my ears, but dang if I'm not a lot happier! (Hey, stop rubbing my stomach already.)

It's time...

to trim the kitties' claws. (This used to be my exercise ball.)

Eric and Eugene: reconciling faith and orientation

During my ex-gay days, I remember thinking that Christians who identified as gay couldn't possibly be "real" Christians--or if they were, they were living in a lot of sin and trying to justify their life so that they could have their cake and eat it, too. It seemed easier to think that these people were "justifying sin" and were sacrificing a real relationship with God than to really see their heart and their journey.

Recently two of my favorite bloggers have been writing about their journeys and how they came to reconcile their sexual orientations with their faith.

Eric at Two World Collision has written four posts about his worlds colliding.

How did I get to this point? How is it possible that I can live, with good conscience, both a Christian and gay life? Now that I'm here, where do I go now?

For answers to these questions, check out Sankofa Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4. I actually got a chance to meet Eric and spend some time with him on my recent trip to Orlando, and he is as genuine as it gets.

Then there's Eugene. I've also gotten a chance to get to know Eugene and he's someone I greatly admire. He writes,

It's been less than two years since I walked through the doors of a local ministry. At that point in time I was stuck - I was confused, lonely, hurting and more than a little disillusioned that I'd failed to achieve "change" despite the programs I'd gone through and all the "right" things that I had done toward that end, and I had no idea what to do next.

Read the rest of his story here and here.

I hope you'll take the time to read their stories. While my faith journey doesn't look exactly like theirs, I can relate to most of what they wrote, and I'm so glad to see people coming through this process with their faith not only intact, but strengthened.

Banned and Resurrected

I got this e-mail from a dear friend of mine who happens to reside on a seminary campus:

I clicked on your Rising Up blog page the other day, and the seminary sign came up that it had been BANNED!

Oh, you bad girl, you!

So I wrote to the help desk, as instructed when one wants to protest a banning. (said something like, sure, she's really bad, and gay at that...but she's my friend and I want to read her stuff--not my actual words) Today I happened to think to try again, and your page came up. So you see, some pagans do get past the screening! And someone in IT is listening.

I'm pleased to know that once again my "really bad, and gay at that" words will be available for seminary students to peruse. Mostly I'm just pleased to have friends who love me no matter how we agree or disagree.

Drive-by evangelism

I usually can't stand most church reader boards I come across. They seem to fall into one of the following categories:

Garden-variety guilt - "Give God what's right -- not what's left. "
Hellfire guilt - "Read the Bible -- It will scare the hell out of you."
Understood by Christians only - "Heavenly Forecast - Reign Forever."
Hellfire Guilt and Understood by Christians only combined! - "Partake of the bread of life, or you'll be toast!!"
Look at me; I'm witty - "The only Ghost here is Holy!"
Guilt and Witticsm combined! - "Suffering from truth decay? Brush up on your Bible."
Fun Scriptures - "Abstain from all appearance of evil. I Thess 5:22"

Tonight I passed by one that was actually worth the electricity required to light the sign.


I'm glad to see at least one church use their reader board as a way of communicating a positive message about God's love.